Where Nature lives, Love cannot

[drumass04]

Here is this evening's work, I think I'm finally getting back into writing again :)
Some may find the meaning a little obscure like with the last one, but I do think this is better. Maybe not, I'm biased!

Where Nature lives, Love cannot

As the lark sings its morning trill,
Lovers depart, with the night sentinel behind.
The sun rises, floating beyond a winter zenith.

Behind oaken doors, soft and silken,
Obscenities hide. Watch them run
Through doors ajar, some crawl
Across open terraces to the lakes.
Where, Forbidden lovers wait.
*
The Heron, Sheikh of the waters,
Twitched his head as sunlight poured,
The sky’s image across his friendless pool.

Then, perched upon his rocks
With an ochre bill. Disturbing the scurrying
Of bounteous clouds and endless skies.
They began to come.
*
His love torn alcove, alive with song,
And sonnets by relentless lovers resting.
Until shadows begin to grow, and the night sentinel
Guided the way again. Retreat,
Enchanted friends.

Where again, frolicking in the late night mist,
They’d be called,
Back to poor Heron’s abode in the forest pond.
By which,
Forbidden lovers wait.


Tim Peacock
©2006
26/04/06

Thanks for any help :)

Timmy P

[DeadReligion]

My only problem with this, is some of the wording. Ochre, bounteous, sheikh. Just not good words. Anyway, I'm nominating this now.

[drumass04]

Ooooh, thankies :)

I'll have a look at the wording...I thought that might be one of the complaints, usually is!

Is the theme/story clear enough? That's been another of my problems during the drought.

Thanks again,
Timmy P

[Jezen]

I think 'ochre' is a nice word.

[ATC]

Congratulations on your nomination.

Here are my comments:
I don't know if this is better or worse than your old work but there's a fair bit of editing to be done. Personally, I'd take out the first word of this. It's redundant but then again, it establishes that this has an old-time feel to it. If you choose to pursue that style, keep it consistent. Write in sentences without omissions then. 'Sun rises' = not consistent. You need a The or As the or something like that to keep the feel constant. If you omit here, omit in the beginning to and change accordingly.

I'm sorta embarassed to say this, but I don't know what the technical term for Through is, but you use too much of those for my taste. Do you not think In would be a better choice of word? Or nothing at all and instead start line two with There, obscenities hide. Keeping in mind subject matter and your sense of flow, you should have the fifth line separate. It's not entirely related to the idea in the verse and it's a summation. Italicize and bring it down.

Again, your ideas are great. You've got the sense of things. I'd put the problems with the next down to rust. Sheikh of the waters, the Heron = awkward. Nothing wrong with any of the words, they're great and the image is good. Split it into two fragments. Now re-arrange. See how they look. Heron, Sheikh of the waters, or something similar.

And in the next, try re-arranging. You have to keep it lyrical in this style. Take line 4, They began to come. Place it as line 1. Take out And then in line 1 and make it line 2. What I think suits you best looks something like this.

They began to come.
perched upon his rocks with an ochre bill.
The scurrying disturbance - bounteous clouds,
endless skies.

Or something similar. Linebreak it differently if anything but I think this order captures your moment better. Maybe it's obscure but then again, you're a poet first.

Involve the reader. Retreat to their enchanted friends does not do that. You could have done that there, the essential idea was there. But take it a step further. Make the reader part of the endangered. Say, 'Retreat, enchanted friends' in the same verse with italics.

This crit's gotten far too detailed, I think. I should stop now unless you want me to continue. So yea.



And for the record, there are no such things as good words or bad words. The worst word on the planet can sound beautiful if used right.

[drumass04]

Thanks a lot ATC :)

I'm going to go edit now, my mum pointed out several of the points you've mentioned. Thanks for the detail...you're welcome to continue if you want!

Timmy P