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SEBBY
04-15-2006, 06:30 AM
First song ive posted up just let me know what you think :)



Its not the same when you tell me those words
It wont numb the pain ive felt because of her
No one can take away the ones of loved
but in the end its all just push and shove
Its not thw first time ive thought about it
Walk up and offer me a mint
I decline and take you back a bit

Murder is not the answer
Gotta die of something and its better than cancer

Keep your distance and keep your cash
Shoot me in the head, you ready for the backlash?
Can you live with what youve done
Living life, i thought you said it was fun?
I solve problems with a gun

Murder is not the answer
Murder is not the answer

Slide it in and it flies out
Hear the thud and the immediate shout
My little lead dancer

Magnus55
04-15-2006, 07:28 AM
quick question, is it lead dancer as in the lead guitarist? Or lead as in a lead weight?

drumass04
04-15-2006, 06:39 PM
I'd say lead, as in a weight. Look at the last triplet;

Slide it in and it flies out
Hear the thud and the immediate shout
My little lead dancer

The thud, kinda suggests the lead weight.

I may be wrong, but there isn't anything in the piece that suggests the verb 'to lead'.


On the whole the piece is average. It's got too many cliches, but that's normal for a 'beginner' (which I'm assuming you are). Towards the end of the piece you started to fall into some forced rhyming I think, that was a bit of a mistake; but nothing that can't be sorted.

You haven't used any punctuation at all, that makes it very hard for a reader to get an idea of the flow, and where you want the accents to be placed. I'd suggest reading through it out loud and putting punctuation where it is necessary. Remember you aren't not writing in sentences, but you aren't writing in conventional sentences either.

Try and incorporae some literary devices, such as similes and metaphor. Try get some imagery in there as well, it really helps to create an atmosphere or mood for your piece. I'd also suggest using alliteration, assonance and consonance, instead of all the rhyming.

Rhyming is perfectly fine in a piece of poetry if it isn't forced, if it is natural it helps the flow of the piece and can really add to the atmospher. Unfortunately here it doesn't.

Keep writing, you'll get better. Listen to all the advice people can give you, and make sure you read lots of other peoples work. If you want to get decent crits from people, I'd suggest taking a look at some of their work, and leaving a decent comment.

Good luck, and keep on writing :)

Timmy P