Smoke Trails Home ( it could probably use some work)

[TxAxNxD13]

Smoke Trails Home

Treading across the high dessert
My home pillaged and taken away
Need food, knowledge, and a nice place to stay
Need to get away

I see you crawling into that ditch, boy
Seems like a nice little hide away
Hide from the clouds until you’re old and gray
Just got to get away

Stitch a cigarette between my lips
I’ll smoke my last days away
With the ashes let my troubles fade
Let them fade away

[SubtleDagger]

Trails?

[TxAxNxD13]

I don't know. Did i spell it wrong. I'm a horrible speller.

[SubtleDagger]

I got it. Just making sure.

[TxAxNxD13]

Alright.

[jsu]

to me, this song just looks like a poem. try not to think about this song as lyrics, but as a song.

[SubtleDagger]

Lyrics are poetry. Please don't give people the wrong ideas.

[Sexorcist]

Stitch a cigarette between my lips
With the ashes let my troubles fade


I like these two lines, good imagery and linkage from image to metaphor, more of this standard of lyrics and the piece would be brilliant.Sorry to say though the rest of it is all a bit bland. Sounds like you got a good story behind it but there's no emotion to it. The main thing that is really causing this is the repitition of the word away and other words rhyming with it. I'm not saying you need to rhyme, im just saying you should experiment with words more, trying get a more distinctive style to your lyrics. Just seems a bit bryan adamsy... everything i do i do for you the things i do are for you twit t'woo... keep going though mate :thumb:

[TxAxNxD13]

Thanks.

[DeadReligion]

Treading across the high dessert
My home pillaged and taken away
Need food, knowledge, and a nice place to stay
Need to get away
^ High desserts? Yum. You meant desert though. The rhyming here is terrible. The last two lines much to bland.

I see you crawling into that ditch, boy
Seems like a nice little hide away
Hide from the clouds until you’re old and gray
Just got to get away
^ Hmm, it'd be cool if you said "old and white" sort of like, he's turning into a cloud...cuz clouds are white. Lol. Just an idea. Terrible rhyming and the last line is bland.

Stitch a cigarette between my lips
I’ll smoke my last days away
With the ashes let my troubles fade
Let them fade away
^ Gorgasmic. I don't know, just made it up. Don't like the last line again, and the rhyming...

7/10. Not bad, not great. I'll be posting later. You know how we do up in here. Don't be a twit, crit back. Lol. I know you will.

[FA]

Lyrics are poetry. Please don't give people the wrong ideas.

Agreed. Too many people on here try to hard to write lyrics, rather than poetry.

[NCToolFan012]

I like the idea. The whole song gives good imagery imo; some more than others, but still, the song as a whole is descriptive. As for the first and third stanzas, I say keep them. The third one is great, and the first one is nice as well, however, I feel the second one doesn't fit in well with the rest. Maybe it's just me, or theres a personal reason you placed it in there. Anyways, it still a good song.