Effigy

[x519]

This is my first thread... I've been writing on and off for a while in and out of bands, it'd be good to get some outside opinions... any feedback is welcome.

You got me feeling like its all a dream
the Raw, raw power of a fast machine
I'll twist your values girl you ain't the same
Hold your breath and come with me

Don't drown your sorrows
We'll live tomorrrow
and nothing is free
She's my surreal, she's my effigy

Hey girl you see them lights
littering the sky with suicide
inhale deep from your cigarette
and think 'bout when we first met
all the times that we've spent
are you gonna let it go
are you a victim of your fate

(Update) There is a solo in here when this is played to music.

Don't drown your sorrows
We'll live again tomorrow
Nothing is free
She's my surreal, She's my effigy

Forget your sorrows
We'll live tomorrow
Noone is free
She's my surreal, she's my...


Yeah so thats it, if you want me to crit anything just ask i'm happy to do so.

[sustained_anthem]

im pretty happy with that, the chorus is nice sweet and flowing well, only critisism I have is the length, I think you could have brought out another verse or something out of the topic but still what you have is good, well done

[3 weeks]

Sustained anthem is right maybe another verse but if you had an instrumental or something that could fill a hole if needed. I like the re-worked chorus at the end

[Sexorcist]

Great piece!! Really liked it. Imagery is good,
"Hey girl you see them lights
littering the sky with suicide
inhale deep from your cigarette"
^
Liked this part, inhale the lights with a cigerette.. cigerette lights up when toked... good linkage.

Structure was good, maybe a little short but there's shorter songs out there.
Nice piece of work, loved the ending.

Keep at it :chug:

Could you give some critic on http://www.sputnikmusic.com/forums/showthread.php?t=458873

Much appreciated :thumb:

[Magnus55]

Thoroughly enjoyed it. You have a good sense of Rhythm and Rhyme. You could add some length to it as others suggested, but then you run the risk of losing your original meaning. I say keep it as is.