My first song in about 6 months...."driving"

[StrangelyBrewed13]

Well here it is....be gentle this is the first time in a while. Its also just a rough draft.


Driving, swallowing advil
My voice and your voice inaudible
If I knew what i ment I might tell ya
But this vacuum and space is intolerable

Looking for milk and some honey
Noothing but new greed and gluttony
staring at a mirror into entropy
And i still cant find that lost part of me

This feeling just focuses on me
Nothing more then a long drive to nowhere

Trying but lying so hard
How can something so close feel so far apart?
Thinly strewn, pleasant conversation
Im an invention of my own limitation

This feeling just focuses on me
Nothing more then a long drive to nowhere.

[x519]

Not bad for a first draft. i really like the last two lines of the fourth stanza.

Thinly strewn, pleasant conversation
Im an invention of my own limitation

The whole song is actually pretty good, I think the second verse could use a bit of a touch up but as i said its a first draft so thats fair enough. I look forward to seeing the next draft of this song, should be pretty good.:chug:

[StrangelyBrewed13]

thanks a lot...if you got a link id be happy to give whatever you have a crit.

[slack]

I didn't like the first line so much, and 'advil' just felt labored and out of place. The rest is pretty good, though, aside from a few spelling errors. "Thinly strewn, pleasant conversation/Im an invention of my own limitation" were my favorite lines.

[sustained_anthem]

the thing I like most here is the flow, rhyming is a simple rhyme pattern but the words you use is pretty good. the story you tell is great

This feeling just focuses on me
Nothing more then a long drive to nowhere.

Im guessing this is a chorus, its nice and clear what is being said but I think the verses are of a higher standard than this chorus, they move the story on while the chorus just recaps the story

still I have no problem with it, for a first draft I think this will be really good when revised

[jsu]

no offense, but for me, it was only "alright". it needs something that will make the listener actually want to listen to it. i think that if a person who has never read your lyrics will read that and say "so what?". you know what i mean? keep at that song, buddy:)

[Guitar Slayer]

Well here it is....be gentle this is the first time in a while. Its also just a rough draft.


Driving, swallowing advil
My voice and your voice inaudible
If I knew what i ment I might tell ya
But this vacuum and space is intolerable
^
^
Good

Looking for milk and some honey
Noothing but new greed and gluttony
staring at a mirror into entropy
And i still cant find that lost part of me
Doesnt
flow that well

This feeling just focuses on me
Nothing more then a long drive to nowhere

I like these lines

Trying but lying so hard
How can something so close feel so far apart?
Thinly strewn, pleasant conversation
Im an invention of my own limitation

i like this
alot except
for the first
line, it was too
stringy

This feeling just focuses on me
Nothing more then a long drive to nowhere.
This is good


It was good considering its your first draft
advice make it longer, and make a new second verse

[Sexorcist]

Nice! I liked it. You got some good vocab there. Can see what everyone's saying about that second verse, but i don't feel it's the whole verse, just those first two lines. You have quite a serious mood flowing throughout the song and those two lines just seem a bit out of place. I love that first verse, has a really good meaning to it and im feeling that third line :thumb: Chorus is fine, like it, perhaps maybe could do something with it at the end to finish off the song?

Overall a good first draft and deffinately not bad if you aint written in 6 months! Well done chap and i'll look forward to seeing the final version! :chug:

[Magnus55]

A couple of grammatical things:


Driving, swallowing advil
My voice and your voice inaudible
If I knew what i ment I might tell ya

By "ment", I believe you meant "meant". ;)

But this vacuum and space is intolerable

When you have two nouns joined with "and", "is" becomes "are", unless you are dealing with the two nouns as seperate ideas.

There is a vacuum
Space is intolerable
There exists a vacuum, and space is intolerable.

This vacuum is intolerable.
Space is intolerable.
This vacuum and space are intolerable.


It seems that the two ideas of a vacuum and space are connected, so you would use "are".

Looking for milk and some honey
Noothing but new greed and gluttony
staring at a mirror into entropy
And i still cant find that lost part of me

It's weird to attach a suffix to one noun and not the other unless you are attaching the suffix to the first noun, which carries over to the next:

Looking for milk.
Looking for some honey.
Looking for milk, and some honey.

It raises the question, Why not looking for some milk as well?

Looking for sone milk.
Looking for some honey.
Looking for some milk and honey. ("some honey" is implied with the first "some")

Looking for some milk and honey
Noothing but new greed and gluttony
staring at a mirror into entropy
And i still cant find that lost part of me

It flows better grammatically to have the "some" before the first noun.


Other than the minor grammar issues, I thought it was great. Well written with a good sense of imagery.

~Magnus

[StrangelyBrewed13]

thanks guys