Aspiring Songwriter

[whj247]

I'm not sure how to do this, and I'm not sure if anyone is gonna like my songs, but I'm hoping for some constructive criticism and positive feedback. Here's a song...

QT

Before you came...
I wasn't much
Before you came...
I was so ****ed

Before you came I didn't know
How much I still had left to grow

Oh it ain't right
Givin' up on life
Over one silly little thing

When you were here I was wrong
So much I wish I would've done
"Those other guys don't mean a thing."
Why does it feel like they're all old flames?

After you left I haven't been ok
Knowing you don't feel the same
Why do these feelings still remain?
Something strong keepin' me insane

Oh, it ain't right
Beein' alone tonight

Come back, cutie
You know what you do to me

Come back, cutie
You know what you do to me

[RNR]

You could sell probably that to a lazy yet rich pop-punk band. For its genre, that's a good song.

[Disturbed]

i like the "old flames" thing in the fourth stanza. but for a song like this "cutie" is not something I would use.

[shayne_122]

You could sell probably that to a lazy yet rich pop-punk band. For its genre, that's a good song.

I'd have to say nay. Pop-punk isn't that low. Try highschool power-pop.

There are some great pop-punk writers; Jesse Lacey of Brand New is a good example.

[Nightvision]

I'm with Shayne here - there seems to be a lot of ignorance towards pop-punk lyrics. Fair enough, Simple Plan and New Found Glory don't help matters at all, but it irks me that people completely ignore writers like Jesse Lacey and Jim Adkins (his early stuff mainly - recently he's slipped a bit) and continue to bash pop-punk lyrics as Dr Seuss-style crud about girls and spring break.

Rant over. :smash:

[RNR]

I'd have to say nay. Pop-punk isn't that low. Try highschool power-pop.

There are some great pop-punk writers; Jesse Lacey of Brand New is a good example.

Fine, highschool power-pop. I can'ty tell the difference.

[real_low_mind]

emo

[slack]

I hate being negative, but honestly this just didn't do much for me. The topic is an old one and you don't do anything new with it, and the language isn't interesting or even enjoyable to read. The only suggestion I could offer is to spend more time coming up with ideas, and consider using more alliteration, assonance, and rhyme in your writing.

[sustained_anthem]

Heres the thing, you can write a good song with music and melody and lyrics and it could sell, the fact is those lyrics dont have to be great to sell, (simple plan for example)

but since this forum focus's mainly on lyrics and not music or melody, we have to judge on what you give us, these lyrics are bland and boring, overdone topic with little creativity. Thats not to say those lyrics couldnt sell millions of singles. But from a lyrical point of view, theres nothing great
I suggest having a look at different artists, out in the world, from all genres, poems, even stories, and see what they do to make them great, also spend time on lyric forums like this forum reading what other aspiring artists are doing, exposure to all these things will help you write better songs.

[rjoerger1291]

I'm with Shayne here - there seems to be a lot of ignorance towards pop-punk lyrics. Fair enough, Simple Plan and New Found Glory don't help matters at all, but it irks me that people completely ignore writers like Jesse Lacey and Jim Adkins (his early stuff mainly - recently he's slipped a bit) and continue to bash pop-punk lyrics as Dr Seuss-style crud about girls and spring break.

Rant over. :smash:


Dude Jim and Jesse are incredable. Every time I listen to a JEW or BN song I find a new fav lyric.

[SubtleDagger]

emo
rules
I hate being negative, but honestly this just didn't do much for me. The topic is an old one and you don't do anything new with it, and the language isn't interesting or even enjoyable to read. The only suggestion I could offer is to spend more time coming up with ideas, and consider using more alliteration, assonance, and rhyme in your writing.
Are you new? Keep critting please, we need more people like you.

Also both vocalists Jason mentioned are awful lyricists.

/slinks back in S&L for a bit

[jsu]

I hate being negative, but honestly this just didn't do much for me. The topic is an old one and you don't do anything new with it, and the language isn't interesting or even enjoyable to read. The only suggestion I could offer is to spend more time coming up with ideas, and consider using more alliteration, assonance, and rhyme in your writing.

i'm with you there, but right there is some really good work.

[Nightvision]

Subtle, I'd call opinion on the Adkins/Lacey thing. Whilst I don't think anyone could seriously claim either to be brilliant lyricists, they do write lyrics that are by far and away better than 95% of other bands in the pop-punk genre. There are exceptions to every rule, but for the most part the point of my original post was that to claim every single pop-punk band writes like the first post of this thread was unfair and inaccurate.

Oh, welcome back by the way. And fyi, Slack = Slackjaw. He's been around semi-regularly for ages, but has started posting more recently.

[jsu]

so, whj247, when are you getting a record label:)?

[Sexorcist]

Totally agree with what slack said there. I'd just like to add there's a lot of difference from hearing lyrics to reading them. It's a lot easier to keep audiences (teenage girls) interested with generic cheese like that and they'll love it. But if you want to consider yourself a lyricist then you must really put effort into your work and try leave a lasting impression i.e. use concepts in songs, metaphors, similies, **** like that. Good luck with further writing and keep at it

[Magnus55]

Heh... pretty much what everyone else said. Essentially you wrote one big cliche'. I thought it might have been because you were young... but then I checked your profile:

Birthday:
02-13-1989

You're seventeen man. Put some effort into your work. The results will follow.