One step

[shmanz]

One step forward, two steps back
I'm living a life on my way to death
six feet down and six feet long
my graves been dug and long time gone

All I need is a chance to try
just a foothold of sorts
to get back online
All I need is a chance to try
just one last time
before I die

Slowly slipping away from here
I've lost my grip on the rope once held so dear
should've tied it in a knot around my wrist
to bad I didn't now im drowning in the mist

All I need is a chance to try
just a foothold of sorts
to get back online
All I need is a chance to try
just one last time
before I die


Critiques are drastically appreciated.

Thank you in advance

Edited the chorus

[shmanz]

Will someone please send some sort of critique I will critique two of your works for just one good critique please.


Shmanz

[Magnus55]

One step forward, two steps back


This reminds me of this:

I take-2 steps forward
I take-2 steps back
We come together
Cuz opposites attract


It's a well known Paula Abdul song, and thats the first thing I thought of when I read your first verse.


All I need is a chance to try
just a foothold of sorts
to get back online
All I need is a chance to try
just one last time
before I die

This part I enjoyed. Though the "online" metaphor reminded me of the internet for some reason. Like logging into AIM. haha I don't know if that was the right imagery you wanted to create.

Slowly slipping away from here
I've lost my grip on the rope once held so dear
should've tied it in a knot around my wrist
to bad I didn't now im drowning in the mist

This was somewhat interesting. Could you find a better way to say "too bad I didn't?". That's an awkward line to have in there, and it detracts from the rest of the ideas you've created.

All and all it was alright. Keep working on it, and it'll get better. 8/10