misstep (please crit)

[deadwith0utmusic]

let me know what you think of this song, but im a beginner so dont be too harsh.im not sure if i like it or not. whats in perenthesis is yelling. It flows pretty good the way i sing it i think but im up for any advice at all. anythin at all any cliches or anything im up.




seeing it all,
enjoying the sight of it.
but before you know,
darkness clogs you vision.

can you imagine (can you imagine),
can you imagine (can you imagine).

feeling invincable,
untill it all crumbled down.
exterior beautiful,
interior broken.

and tho my heart has stoped,
the world keeps moving.
wondering if this will fade,
(dont stay to long).

And this is draining me,
of all other feelings.
i cant manage this,
(im going to fall).

can you imagine (can you imagine),
can you imagine (can you imagine).

seeing it all,(can you imagine)
enjoying the sight of it.(can you imagine)
but before you know, (can you imagine)
darkness clogs you vision.(can you imagine)

[deadwith0utmusic]

bump

[slack]

The first stanza is too vague because "it" is never clarified. It's also not very impressive as a verse because it doesn't say a lot. Stanza three is a little bit better because it's clearer, but I don't think the idea is all that interesting. In stanzas four and five, I think it starts to degenerate into more of a diary entry than a poem. The language is uninspiring and the content is basically a rant about your feelings and what's happening to you and I just didn't find it very engaging.

Personally, I don't think you could improve this without having to rewrite it completely. Everything from the concept to the way it's written is average. Sorry to be brutal, but it's probably better to be up front with you. Toss it on the experience pile and keep trying.

[deadwith0utmusic]

ahaha alright thanks dude.