- Last Night on the Pacific Rim -

[Lowridenn]

Long after the tide falls I find myself
Fighting the urge to forget you. I find myself
Staring off across the horizon
Only to see you slipping off the edge of the world.
Please, you must understand
Why I did what I did.
Why I said what I said.
And please, you must remember
That night we shared, sipping
On our cinnamon dolce at Café Barista, spitting
Conversation and spinning
Politics until seven, until the bars open.
By two am we’d drank our fill
And headed back to your hotel where
We littered the floor with our inhibitions.
It was then that I spoke with a misunderstood
Sincerity and miscalculated
Intentions of what we were.
I need you to understand
Why I whispered those words to you that night,
Why I’m still standing here long after the tide fell, and
Why I’ve finally figured out why I can’t forget you.

[PhobiaOFme]

it feels more like a letter that a song

[DeadReligion]

Black dot. Title's cool.

[Jubella]

Long after the tide falls I find myself
Fighting the urge to forget you. I find myself
Staring off across the horizon
Only to see you slipping off the edge of the world.
Please, you must understand
Why I did what I did.
Why I said what I said.
wow, i really like this. wonderful imagery, wonderful language!

And please, you must remember
That night we shared, sipping
On our cinnamon dolce at Café Barista, spitting
Conversation and spinning
Politics until seven, until the bars open.
the repetition of "please" bothers me a bit. I like the third line. The rest is good but sounds a bit weaker then the previous verse (witch was so nice!)

By two am we’d drank our fill
And headed back to your hotel where
We littered the floor with our inhibitions.
It was then that I spoke with a misunderstood
Sincerity and miscalculated
Intentions of what we were.
very nice verse. it flows very well. the last tree lines are brilliantly bring. the only thing i dislike is the "headed back" in the second line. Maybe it's because it's sound too common, I can't really tell why... Otherwise, pretty great verse!

I need you to understand
Why I whispered those words to you that night,
Why I’m still standing here long after the tide fell, and
Why I’ve finally figured out why I can’t forget you.
good, except for the final line. It is far from bad, but I don't really like the way it is constructed. And I'd expect a more poetic line, like the previous, for the final line, witch is the most powerful.

Overall, this is a wonderful song you have here. I like the format of it, not the typical verse/chorus/verse thing. You have a great language, and an interesting imagery. Only minor things to improve. Great song, I love this! 8.5/10

[Lowridenn]

Well, thank you Jubella, I appreciate your kind words. The repetition of please is 100% intentional.

[deathscreamingsheep]

Long after the tide falls I find myself
Fighting the urge to forget you. I find myself

Good first image, plus I like your line break in the second line.

Staring off across the horizon
Only to see you slipping off the edge of the world.

This is certainly more accessable than some of the vets work but I'm actually quite liking it. I especially like the fourth line "Only to see you..."

I'm not sure the off after staring really makes sense though, plus it disrupts the flow.


And please, you must remember
That night we shared, sipping
On our cinnamon dolce at Café Barista, spitting
Conversation and spinning
Politics until seven, until the bars open.
By two am we’d drank our fill
And headed back to your hotel where
We littered the floor with our inhibitions.

My favourite part of the song. I don't think anything about this should be changed.

It was then that I spoke with a misunderstood
Sincerity and miscalculated
Intentions of what we were.
I need you to understand

Some good line breaks but I feel the second and third lines in this quote need something more.

Why I whispered those words to you that night,
Why I’m still standing here long after the tide fell, and
Why I’ve finally figured out why I can’t forget you.

Aww it's all sentimental. Still I like the ending, sort of focussing on the actual moment and drawing things back to the mood at the beginning.

8/10.

Could you have a look at my latest 'Land of Hope' (http://www.sputnikmusic.com/forums/showthread.php?t=456691)?

[Nightvision]

I owe you a crit from a while back, so here goes (I might be slow, but I get there in the end. ;))

Long after the tide falls I find myself
Fighting the urge to forget you. I find myself
Staring off across the horizon
Only to see you slipping off the edge of the world.

Overall, this was a strong start - the only real weakness I identified here was an over-long last line... just one or two syllables need cutting, methinks.

Please, you must understand
Why I did what I did.
Why I said what I said.
And please, you must remember
That night we shared, sipping
On our cinnamon dolce at Café Barista, spitting
Conversation and spinning
Politics until seven, until the bars open.

This was good - nice use of repetition - you used it to good effect by making it obvious it was a repeat, but not so much it was a carbon copy of the previous line. Good work. I also liked the couplet 'spitting conversation and spinning politics' - very slick. :)

By two am we’d drank our fill
And headed back to your hotel where
We littered the floor with our inhibitions.

Very nice - a good image in that last line. Excellent stuff so far.

It was then that I spoke with a misunderstood
Sincerity and miscalculated
Intentions of what we were.

I'm trying my hardest here to avoid making this sound like a major league brown-tongueing, but you're not giving me much to work with! This feels like it flows remarkably well considering that there are some fairly syllable-heavy words in such a short space, and that can only be a good thing.

I need you to understand
Why I whispered those words to you that night,
Why I’m still standing here long after the tide fell, and
Why I’ve finally figured out why I can’t forget you.

Possibly the only window I've had in the entire piece for some constructive criticism! Your second and final lines are just a little bit too close to that dreaded 'cliche' line in comparison to the rest of the piece. Your third line is fine, and marks a subtle nod to the beginning - a tactic I love using, and love seeing used... in this particular work, it feels almost as if things have come back full circle in the course of the piece, and the protagonist is back at square one. Anyway, just tighten up those two lines and that will be fine.

Overall:
You know you've read a good piece when it makes you want to start writing again after a long layoff. This was one of those pieces. I enjoyed this more or less from start to finish - it was cleverly written, with some gorgeous imagery, but also felt quite heartfelt at the same time - a balance which is pretty difficult to acheive. There were only a few tiny little faults in this, which I highlighted, but otherwise, this was the best piece I've read on here in a while. Congratulations.

Score:
95%

[DeadReligion]

Long after the tide falls I find myself
Fighting the urge to forget you. I find myself
Staring off across the horizon
Only to see you slipping off the edge of the world.
^ "I find myself Fighting the urge to forget you," Nice phrasing, but cliche. The rest is beautiful though.

Please, you must understand
Why I did what I did.
Why I said what I said.
And please, you must remember
That night we shared, sipping
On our cinnamon dolce at Café Barista, spitting
Conversation and spinning
Politics until seven, until the bars open.
^ Not diggin' the first three lines. The rest is great though. Describing specific events can always help a piece. Usually. This is good though, bar the first three lines.

By two am we’d drank our fill
And headed back to your hotel where
We littered the floor with our inhibitions.
It was then that I spoke with a misunderstood
Sincerity and miscalculated
Intentions of what we were.
^Diggin' the inhibitions line a lot. Also, the last two. Solid.

I need you to understand
Why I whispered those words to you that night,
Why I’m still standing here long after the tide fell, and
Why I’ve finally figured out why I can’t forget you.
^Didn't like this ending, barring the third line. It's a bit cliche, and boring.

7/10. It's good. Think of it like a nice piece of meat. You have a lot of good stuff to eat, but you've still got some fat to cut away. Yeah, how'd you like that metaphor? Lol. I'll ask for a return when I have a piece up.

[Lowridenn]

Thanks to everyone for the kind and constructive words.