Moonlight

[Futuro]

This is the first song I have written. I will try to review some other peoples as soon as I post this one.

Any help on how to word things would be great. I don't know if it helps with the syllables, But the verses are in 5/4 with the last bar 4/4 Then the chorus line is sung in a bar of 4/4

Verse
The match lit under a Moonlight
Heart Burning for the rose
Got every thorn money could buy
Close my eyes wading in the river
These storms will cry
holding me don't hinder
Paper stones whispering in the air
Igniting the Moonlights' prayer

Chorus
Heartattack My souls a wreck

Verse
Headache's gone, Narcotic Numbing less
Stone mirror Reflecting
Sailing the skies till heaven repents
Headless stars there patience pauses winter
Fragmented fly Take away these sinners
Paper stones whispering in the air
Igniting the Moonlights' prayer

Chorus
Heartattack My souls a wreck

Not many lyrics, But the song is 6 and a half minutes and fairly fast paced....We are mainly an instrumental band heh...

[ZeppaMusic]

i guess you repeat the Chorus a couple of times? cause that is real small if ya dont!

[Futuro]

i guess you repeat the Chorus a couple of times? cause that is real small if ya dont!
No repeats. The choruses are guitar solos for the most part :P (Not shred, almost like a vocal melody)

[TojesDolan]

Oh hello Futuro, didn't have an idea you wrote. Porbably you didn't know that about me either. Hello.

Verse
The match lit under a Moonlight
Heart Burning for the rose
Got every thorn money could buy
Close my eyes wading in the river
These storms will cry
holding me don't hinder
Paper stones whispering in the air
Igniting the Moonlights' prayer

I like how this is written but there's no connection between what you say. for instance, the first two lines are very well written, but I see no connection between them, they seem separate ideas, try to put things a lot more together, or use punctuation to mark different trains of thought.

Chorus
Heartattack My souls a wreck

MY SOUL'S, mang. or soul is.

Verse
Headache's gone, Narcotic Numbing less
Stone mirror Reflecting
Sailing the skies till heaven repents
Headless stars there patience pauses winter
Fragmented fly Take away these sinners
Paper stones whispering in the air
Igniting the Moonlights' prayer

there= their

You remind me a lot of my early writing. Putting ideas far from each other can be hard to convey by the reader or listenener, and the interpretation factor can be nullified.

My overall advice would be to... well, unstress a little, try to make it flow better somehow. It has great ideas and I get it, but the flow isn't helping a lot. Cheers man, hope to see you around. :chug:

[Futuro]

Thanks Tojes for the crit. Yeah my writing skills are pretty bad. I'll try to explain it to ya if ya want.

I like how this is written but there's no connection between what you say. for instance, the first two lines are very well written, but I see no connection between them, they seem separate ideas, try to put things a lot more together, or use punctuation to mark different trains of thought.
The song is about sleep deprivation haha.


The match lit under a Moonlight (I woke up)
Heart Burning for the rose (rose = Nice dream)
Got every thorn money could buy (Thorn is relating to nightmare, so instead of nice dreams I got nightmare)

MY SOUL'S, mang. or soul is. Soul is. haha oops.


My overall advice would be to... well, unstress a little, try to make it flow better somehow. It has great ideas and I get it, but the flow isn't helping a lot. Cheers man, Will do, I will keep that in mind if I ever try to write again haha.