Opportunity

[sandsoftime]

well i tried to get you guys to help write this song...but i did it my self...

Opportunity

You said I’d never make it
I say I’ve got a shot
They say land of opportunity
Opportunity that must be bought

And I could do without
All the agonizing doubt
So watch me rise above
Watch me make it out

Only the rich and famous
Can afford the price of fame
But I’ll sell every thing I’ve got
For another chance to play the game

And I could do without
All the agonizing doubt
So watch me rise above
Watch me make it out

You never believed in me
No you never believed in me
I needed a helping hand
Someone to understand
Me…
It could have been
You~
You~
You~
It could have been…

You said I’d never make it
But I’ve paid my due
And though I may have paid in blood
It was worth the chance to tell you…..that

I could do without
All the agonizing doubt
So watch me rise above
Watch me make it out

crit for crit

[mcs]

What's the point?

[StandardStringReject]

i see the point. and i'm reeeeeally identifying with that right now, so i like it. the lyrics are what i'd say to my mom right now. i wont go into that so anyways... :

You said I’d never make it
I say I’ve got a shot
They say land of opportunity
Opportunity that must be bought
maybe add some stronger verbs...? it sounds kinda dull

And I could do without
All the agonizing doubt
So watch me rise above
Watch me make it out
i like this and wouldnt change anything... its kinda like saying "boo-yah" except in a more intelligent way

Only the rich and famous
Can afford the price of fame
But I’ll sell every thing I’ve got
For another chance to play the game
this kinda makes it sound like u failed and werent able to do what u told the person ur singing to that u didnt make it... maybe reword a lil

And I could do without
All the agonizing doubt
So watch me rise above
Watch me make it out

You never believed in me
No you never believed in me
I needed a helping hand
Someone to understand
Me…
It could have been
You~
You~
You~
It could have been…
i think this sounds really good. it is short, but if u sing it with feeling, it sorta makes up for it. ( i like the point of the song )

You said I’d never make it
But I’ve paid my due
And though I may have paid in blood
It was worth the chance to tell you…..that
the flow is a little odd here, but what ur saying still fits.. maybe if u made the second line a lil longer..


I could do without
All the agonizing doubt
So watch me rise above
Watch me make it out

i like it. i think it needs a little bit of work, but its still pretty good. if u wanna crit one of mine, i still want a little more on the Doll Collector.. i cant do links on this computer, but i think its on like the first or second page?

[deathbyjello]

This is really well written;

However, I'd come up with a more interesting name for it. "Opportunity" doesn't make you itch like "Purple Haze". Get what I'm saying? Unless of course, your current title is just a work in progress.

Also, this part:

Only the rich and famous
Can afford the price of fame
But I’ll sell every thing I’ve got
For another chance to play the game

REALLY well worded, even pronunciation, really catchy. I can't help but say that everytime I see "rich and famous" it reminds me of Good Charlotte.

All in all, excellent start.