Between Today and Tomorrow crit4crit

[randomguitarplayer89]

please i need crits on this, last time i posted i got no replies


On a quiet velvet night,
in the distance,
orange lights,
mushroom clouds are forming
thunder echoes warning
in my mind
and in time
the will hear the crying
of people dying
children wont be singing
churchbells wont be ringing
but the tower chimes

I will wander endlessly on blackened plains
in the light of a burning sun,
I will watch men go insane

while the water's red with blood
all mandkind will come to know
that the things which they have reaped
are the things that they have sown

and the things which are'nt today
will start tmorrow,
start to grow
and who will tell you why,
while the winds of vengeance blow

[jb6oclock]

good content, and I like the way it progresses, very good message that we all should've took into consideration before it ever got this bad, I haven't tried singing this song (don't have much time) but it appears as if it will flow very well with music. I might stick a powerful chorus in there if it were mine but I do love it the way it is. Great job 8.7/10

[randomguitarplayer89]

thanks jb6oclock. anyone else have anything to say????????????????

[StandardStringReject]

On a quiet velvet night,
in the distance,
orange lights,
mushroom clouds are forming
thunder echoes warning
in my mind
and in time
the will hear the crying
of people dying
children wont be singing
churchbells wont be ringing
but the tower chimes
they*? i like this and it flows well. i like the imagery, but it kinda seems like too much mention of color on the first couple lines

I will wander endlessly on blackened plains
in the light of a burning sun,
I will watch men go insane
i like this alot, because of the truth in it that is ignored in life. i think that the next line maybe should be added at the end of this part, and then add a line to the next part, so that they both have four lines. having 3 here sounds weird, because it feels like that next line goes well to complete that part, and helps it flow into the next. that probably sounds like rambling, but i dont know how else to say it

while the water's red with blood
all mandkind will come to know
that the things which they have reaped
are the things that they have sown
i like the allusion.. and its worded very well

and the things which are'nt today
will start tmorrow,
start to grow
and who will tell you why,
while the winds of vengeance blow
really good way to end this, and u could put a chorus in, but i think it sounds fine without one. if u do put one in, make sure ur careful-dont let it ruin the song. (i do that sumtimes when i try and add stuff)
i think this is good 8and a half out of 10! :)