Untitled song/poem

[Music_Is_My_Life]

This is in its early stages so any help would be appreciated. Haven't thought about a title as of yet.

Untitled

Overweening fantasies
Crushed beneath the uncaring
Weight of false ambitions
Despair creeps in with the flood
Lodging a host of slivers in my throat
Gagging me with pain as the numbness spreads

Insidious shadows flit stealthily
In this darkened room; tantalizing, tormented
Flaunting their drunken freedom
As they cavort seductively across whitewashed walls
Maddeningly, blissfully insubstantial
Ghosts of sterile wooden corpses
Caressing my unfeeling flesh

Sibilant whispers of intoxicating untruths
Stalk innocently among my tangled thoughts
Beckoning from a pool of sweet nothingness
While my unbidden hand rises slowly
Supported by unseen strings
With cold intent to my temple
Drawing my wooden hand into a fist

That's what I got so far. Not sure if its done or not or what I could do to add to it but criticism is appreciated.

[showmehowtofeelnothing]

Overweening fantasies
Crushed beneath the uncaring
Weight of false ambitions
Despair creeps in with the flood
Lodging a host of slivers in my throat
Gagging me with pain as the numbness spreads

this stanza is probably the best. still needs work. using pain and numbness in the sam line is kindof contradicting yourself.

Insidious shadows flit stealthily
In this darkened room; tantalizing, tormented
Flaunting their drunken freedom
As they cavort seductively across whitewashed walls
Maddeningly, blissfully insubstantial
Ghosts of sterile wooden corpses
Caressing my unfeeling flesh

this stanza is average, it reads like you sat with a a dictionary and thesaurus trying to sound very intellectual, which you do.

Sibilant whispers of intoxicating untruths
Stalk innocently among my tangled thoughts
Beckoning from a pool of sweet nothingness
While my unbidden hand rises slowly
Supported by unseen strings
With cold intent to my temple
Drawing my wooden hand into a fist

What do you mean by cold intent?
The rest i understand nicely, and i like.

That's what I got so far. Not sure if its done or not or what I could do to add to it but criticism is appreciated.

overall, this is a fairly decent piece, maybe ease up on the bigger words everyother word, to avoid sounding that you are looking through a thesaurus. 7or8/10. i cant decide. :-)

[Music_Is_My_Life]

Hmm, didn't use a thesaurus but I see what you mean. The contrast of pain and numbness, if you want to know, was semi-intentional but I guess I could word it better so it doesn't sound so contradictory. Thanks for the crit btw.