I dont feel well

[bloodseed]

my head is burning, stomachs churning,
is it my feelings or weed,
Sat here never learning
finish the joint, or just repeat

I'm sitting here bleeding my thoughts onto a notepad,
I'm striving to find something like a reason not to feel bad.
I'm breaking my heart just to think Ive pleased,
but I'm lazy, a bad soul, and now I'm planting new seeds.

I don't like me, i don't like her,
i don't like racing around,
i don't like me, i don't like her,
but my distress is how I'm bound.
i don't like me, i don't like her,
its nothing to do with music,
i don't like me, i don't like her,
issues shouldn't make me feel sick



This is a work in progress. Has a kind of scremo opera rock thing about it. Hard to imagine but, Bullet For My Valentine, crossed with meat loaf

[bloodseed]

bumpy thing. No one gonna leave a comment, i dont mind if u tell me its crap

[Iron_Weed]

my head is burning, stomachs churning,
is it my feelings or weed,
Sat here never learning
finish the joint, or just repeat

First line is alright, nice flow to it. I can dig what you're saying with the rest of this stanza but don't really like the way you're saying it. Either use a more subtle reference to drug use or try to present it in a more clever way. Third line is very weak and should definatly be completely rewritten. Not bad rhyming between your second and fourth line.

I'm sitting here bleeding my thoughts onto a notepad,
I'm striving to find something like a reason not to feel bad.
I'm breaking my heart just to think Ive pleased,
but I'm lazy, a bad soul, and now I'm planting new seeds.

First line is okay but has a bit of a cliche feel to it, second line is almost there, quite like it actually, just needs a bit of a tune up. Change "breaking my heart" in your third line imo, just don't like the sound of it. Last line is cool.

I don't like me, i don't like her,
i don't like racing around,
i don't like me, i don't like her,
but my distress is how I'm bound.

I think your first and third line would work better as "I don't like her, I don't like me", but still wouldn't be amazing so I don't know. Good flow here, lyrically your second line doesn't do much for me and your fourth line could use a little rephrasing perhaps "but it's distress with which I'm bound", dunno just a thought.

i don't like me, i don't like her,
its nothing to do with music,
i don't like me, i don't like her,
issues shouldn't make me feel sick

Second line isn't good, rewrite it. Tossing up a bit on your last line think I'm gonna have to say I like what you're saying but not how you're saying it.

This song definatly has its moments where it hints at something better but as a whole comes off very much as a draft. Try and consider what I said and try to gloss it up a bit.

4/10

[PhobiaOFme]

i like where its going, but the "chorus" needs a little work.

I don't like me, i don't like her,
i don't like racing around,
i don't like me, i don't like her,
but my distress is how I'm bound

i don't like me, i don't like her,
its nothing to do with music,
i don't like me, i don't like her,
issues shouldn't make me feel sick