Challenge 104 - "Skim" Voting (ends March 20)

[DFelon204409]

Go!!!

[Jetpack]

Spot. -> hard judging on this one.

1sketchyjoe: The Rebel. I think this piece is full of a lot of great lines, and then there are some mediocre lines throughout as well... I think that you have a great idea here and I really like some of the analogies you've used, however works need to be looked at and modified, and even though you don't want to sometimes a lot of stuff needs to be cut out or rewritten. Nice piece though, I like the reminiscing of a forgotten childhood??

6Lowridenn: A risk it is, I must say I'm not exactly sure what to think of this or how exactly i should be reading this, but what i did get from it: Seems like there are 3 different voices in this piece, however truthfull none of them really seem to get enough depth to understand... I know what seemed to happen in the story but it's quite short....

4-Nath-: I think that the timing is off on a lot of it, There is great word usage and some of the lines stand out by themselves, but it was somewhat confusing as I read.

5conniption: alright I read this one over quite a few times, and I tried to follow the connections in the writings but I just had a hard time diong it...

Jetpack

2Bigbadbob: This is a very interesting piece, I'm trying to understand what's going on haha and for some reason I keep picturing a passage from the book "Brave New World." in which one of the lower class workers running the elevator shouts out "Roof! Oh Roof!!" when he arrives at the top level... I'm probably waaay off on this one haha but to me this piece seems to reflect on a troubled individual of some sort??? Good word/rhyme usage

DQ'ed?pie20spike: A few strange lines here and there but this seems like a pretty good rockin song, But I noticed something: You don't use the word "skim" anywhere in your piece?!?!?

3ATC: This was a nice piece and I understood what you were getting at, I just found there was a lack of emotion to this, i only found a couple cases of subjectivity.

[sketchyjoe]

sketchyjoe:
Lowridenn: There were some nice lines but overall it was just too disjointed for me and the hospital dialogue was cheesy. 4th
-Nath-: I liked the chorus but the rest jarred somewhat, the juxtaposition of the colloquial (eg 'mind you') and more poetic and formal (eg 'magnificently manicured talons') doesn't really work. 5th
conniption: This all just seemed a little uninvolving and disinteresting. There's no real hook. 6th
Jetpack: Very coherent in its tone with some nice imagery. It started well but tailed off towards the end somewhat, especially the last line. 2nd
Bigbadbob: Slightly overly wordy at times, but a generally solid piece. 3rd
pie20spike: This song's simple, catchy, with nice lines and fun. I really liked it and probably would've put it first. Shame you didn't use the subject word. DQ'd
ATC: A well-worn subject, but handled competently with good flow and imagery. 1st

[Bigbadbob]

2ndsketchyjoe: I got a good impression over all. Some lines i liked better that others. Well worn subject but I didnt mind your take on it. Was this improvised?

5thLowridenn: Risk is ok lets see what you've got. This reads like a scene from a TV med show, But there's very little characture development. Hmmm....consequently the action becomes the focus when I think the real story is "why have you left me".

6th-Nath-: I'm having trouble connecting to this one. The language isn't really impelling, the imagey doesnt stand out, the meter is irregular and I dont much follow the story.

4thconniption: I tried to connect to this somehow because I like the format. But it just didnt grip me

3rdJetpack: The story line progresses nicely from beg to end. I like the sentiment although it's not presented in any new way. Seems the right music would emphasize the emotion.

Bigbadbob

pie20spike: DQ'D I dont think I've ever seen a "whoa yea" in the challenges before! As rough as it is... It's pure garage band genre, its good times with the boys. Will it win, nah. But its fun....whoa yea.

1stATC: Very smooth and easy....but I wonder if it's too easy. Could you have pushed this a little harder? I mean its got beauty but seems to...
skim.... anything deeper

[Lowridenn]

2 sketchyjoe
X Lowridenn
6 -Nath-
4 conniption
5 Jetpack
1 Bigbadbob
DQ pie20spike
3 ATC

If you want a comment, just ask. Sorry guys, I'm swamped.

[Dinosawesome]

sketchyjoe 1
Lowridenn 6
-Nath-
conniption 4
Jetpack 5
Bigbadbob 2
pie20spike dq'd
ATC 3

Sorry I can't give any crits guys, school is wiping time off me faster than I can keep up with :(

[ATC]

sketchyjoe- I liked this. I thought the first bridge section was unnecessary and detracted from an otherwise really strong piece. 2

Lowridenn - Interesting. It's certainly unique. I didn't end up feeling for any of your characters is the problem. 5

-Nath- - Gal of the Gotha? Golgotha? Irish drinking song? That reference nags at my brain. I find that songs that are written to an anonymous you need to work twice as hard to make people relate. I can't say I did for this. 6

conniption -Very trippy poetry. I enjoyed it despite its harsh structure. 1

Jetpack - Well-written. It's certainly not reinventing the wheel but you do the job nicely. 4

Bigbadbob- Awesome ending. Choppy beginning. I'd actually start this from 'picture..' on because that's your piece in its purest form. The rest was you finding your way there. 3

pie20spike- DQ'd

ATC - The me.

[TojesDolan]

3 sketchyjoe Hip/Trip- hop style, you're looking for in here? I like it. The rhyme felt a bit forced in some stanzas (Cliché used for rhyme was clever, though), but it was a great read. Interesting idea behind it.
1 Lowridenn Fucking brilliant. A great way of writing something that would be very full of action... but in such a nicer mood. There's still the shock value in there. I liked it a lot.
6 -Nath-Great, Nice effort but just dragged in some parts and made it slightly dull.
7 conniption Nice, simple. It just lacked the spark.
5 JetpackAlmost mushy... but... nah it was very well written. Common place topic, but you gave it a slight twist that made it good.
4 BigbadbobI like the scheme and the arrange of the poem.
pie20spikeDQ'd
2 ATC Very nice. A different feeling from your regular stuff... I think. I may be on cocaine or something, but it felt different. In a good way.

[conniption]

1 Sketchyjoe-I've really become a fan of your lyrics, and you delivered again.
6 Lowridenn-Definate emotion displayed, but the overall impact of it wasn't overwhelming.
3 -Nath--I enjoyed this, it flowed smoothly. I think the best part of this was the last three lines of the "I'm on my way to.." I couldn't help but notice a minor spelling mistake... "An counterfeit plaque" should be "A counterfeit plaque"
X conniption-N/A
4 Jetpack-Didn't spot any major or minor flaws. You picked a topic and developed it. Pretty good job.
5 Bigbadbob-Good vocabulary present, but it didn't seem to have a flow that I locked into.
DQ'd pie20spike-You could have changed "Throwing" to "Skimming" and it would have been in! But, I guess it was a misread. These lyrics are pretty straight forward, but definatley do the job, very nice.
2 ATC-I like the parallellism in the third stanza. When I read the first line, I hear it being said, at the beginning of the song, instead of being sung.