Unspoken Parallel

[JadedBass]

This my second shot at this lyric writing thing, i rewrote the other songi did but dont have the paper on me and its not committed to memory well enoughn to show so ill do it a lil later but here it goes. Rember this will be mixture of metal kind of voice and clean.


Dim lights,False days,Memories
This oath, Tie, and Remedy
I regret what I said, These lies

Hold dear the day,Hold Dear the day
Patientence waits, on destiny
I know the difference, between coincedence and Fate

Your Golden eyes pang my heart and soul
These unspoken Parallels Keep me here

These Lies, These Truths
The regret is all too familar
These Lies, These Truths
The regret is all too familar

Your Golden eyes pang my heart and soul
These unspoken Parallels Keep me here

These Lies, These Truths
The regret is all too familar
These Lies, These Truths
The regret is all too familar

All to familar, Golden Eyes pang my heart and soul
Thats what kept me here
These unspoken Parallels know the truth
of Why I loved...

Youuuuuu......


These Lies, These Truths, Regret is Familar
These Lies, These Truths, Regret is Familar

i think im getting better,not doing so much cheesy rhyming, and tried to build some kind of imagery. Yes it seems to repeat alot but its built around a song. so different parts repeat so it may seem to repeat a bit much.so fire away:chug:

[JadedBass]

:mad: :smash:

[DeadReligion]

This is really incoherent. Too many incorrect capitalizations, just random pairs of words in some places. I liked some of the general ideas of the first two lines, try expanding on them, using them as metaphors/similes. Thank you, for not forcing rhymes. The rest of it, was much too redundant, and it seems like you got extremely lazy, so filled it with rehashes, which were cliche, and boring. It really isn't a good thing. Make sure you spell and grammar check too, that helps with coherency/legibility.

I'll be posting one soon, under the title "The Female Blade and the Heart Artistry", so if you'd return the favor when I do, that'd be real cool.

[JadedBass]

of course, thanks for the unput, but i tend to capitalize things over excessivley not to bring out pnts just a bad habit, but yes it could use some touch up here and there. just hard to find the the combination betweent great writing making it easy to rember and play bass, but I will try and await your post.