I dunno a title, but I need help

[slip_knot576]

Well, I heard this song by from first to last. The song is called emily. I'm not gonna write the lyrics but I wrote different lyrics to that music. Igf you wanna hear it I think it's at purevolume.com fftl.net or fromfirsttolast.com Emily, welll I heard him sing and he felt really strong about that girl as do i right now so hear goes. By the way, some of the wrods are the same just like a couple lines though. Enjoy

Your smile ends the summer
Your Laugh can start the spring
Always looking perfect
Can you hear what I'm saying
NOw that I've found you, nothing else can matter
Gonna be your only one, only now and just forever

I hope that it's worth the waiting
I've bever felt this way before
Never gonna let you down
Cause there's nothing in this world like you and me

I dreamt a world without you
I never want to go back not even for a time
this is real, everything I have is symbolic just for you

I hope that it's worth the waiting
I've bever felt this way before
Never gonna let you down
Cause there's nothing in this world like you and me

This last verse I don't recal there was ever one in the real song but here goes anyway

Everytime i see you
My heart thumps and I can barely breathe
I know we have our problems
But just let them go and lay right here with me

I'm glad that I've been waiting
It's the only time I've ever felt so real
This love is all that matters
Just ,me and you against all will
Cause thers nothing in this world like you and me
Yea there's nothing in this world like you and me
No one in this world like you and me

There ya go. Sorry if it's pathetic or whatever you think. Later

[StandardStringReject]

where u said "my heart thumps" ...thumps sounds kinda weird there..
*never

[insanepunkguy]

Your smile ends the summer
Your Laugh can start the spring i like these two lines, but the first one slightly confuses me, surely summer is a good thing, and your saying her smile is good to you, so how would something good end something good?? if ive enterpreted wrong then pls correct me
Always looking perfect
Can you hear what I'm saying
NOw that I've found you, nothing else can matter
Gonna be your only one, up until here its fairly generic, try and personalise it abit more
only now and just forever this lines is brilliant, i know what your trying to say, but i cant be assed to type it lol, its v good

I hope that it's worth the waiting
I've never felt this way before
Never gonna let you down
Cause there's nothing in this world like you and me liek i said before, too generic, thers nothing personal about this part at all, it could be about any girl

I dreamt a world without you very nice
I never want to go back not even for a timeand it gets even nice here
this is real, everything I have is symbolic just for youits an good idea, I'll give you that, but it isnt pulled off very well

I hope that it's worth the waiting
I've bever felt this way before
Never gonna let you down
Cause there's nothing in this world like you and me

This last verse I don't recal there was ever one in the real song but here goes anyway

Everytime i see you
My heart thumps and I can barely breathe
I know we have our problems :confused: im confused, before youre coming over like everything is perfect between you two, and here your saying thers problems...
But just let them go and lay right here with me

I'm glad that I've been waiting
It's the only time I've ever felt so realnice idea, use some better imagery
This love is all that matters
Just ,me and you against all will f**k that confuses me, does this girl want you or what, coz ur attitude has changed completely in this last stanza
Cause thers nothing in this world like you and me
Yea there's nothing in this world like you and me
No one in this world like you and me once again too generic


Ok i think i can see your problem here, your not actually writing about a girl, your basing this on what someone else is thinking of a girl. Trust me, this kinda lovey dovery stuff is only pulled off when you talk about the right girl. Ive tried it before and ive only managed to succesfully write one like this. Untill then write about broken relationships, although it does get tedious, you can always work well with the ideas. angry love is easier to write about that true love, as true love is beyond words (im sounding a right prat here arent I??)
anyways, you also need to add more specific things, mention things about the girl as often as possible, and sometimes just take one thing and go into lots of detail.
so you need to work on your writing, but as this is id give it 5/10. Some of it is too generic, but there are a few very nice lines
:thumb:

[slip_knot576]

Ok insane punk guy. With the summer thing. It' like the perfect end to the perfect thing you know? Like you don't wanna go see an underdog nba team go a the way to the finas and lose right? Think of it like the 100000000 to 1 shot team winning it a. Just perfect. Wel, I'm saying that, even though problems exist, that we still love each other. At least I do. She just broke up with me today and it pisses me off because we just stopped fighting, like we haven't had even a tiny fight in like three mo:upset: nths