horizon

[slack]

...

[Sade]

Officially the shortest piece I've ever seen. :thumb:

[slack]

Ha, yeah I guess it's more of a haiku, minus the syllable count.

[Sade]

Give me a sec, I'll do a detailed analysis.

[FA]

Woo, a haiku, something different, Woo.

I guess it's hard to critique a haiku, well harder than a poem/song. But this was clever, a little confusing, but clever. I'm not so sure why the horizon hurts, but I like having things left to my own imagination. I always wondered if anyone would post a haiku or anything of that nature. I feel compelled to post other poetry.

[Sade]

I read this something like 130 times, and this is what traveled through my mind:

Colors. Earth colors: yellows, browns, dark reds. One of the most important metaphysical happenings for me is the development of color inside my mind's eye to envelope the manifestation of images the piece instigates.

I'm also seeing some bombed out WWII city. Only, it's not all grey and blue and misty; it's yellow and brown and burnt and sandy. It's almost like a desert; where time consumes and destroys.

Now comes the metaphor. These buildings from this city, already desolate, destroyed, and defeated, are being lost in the context of time. The sun, everyday; rises and slowly fades more and more significance away from these buildings. Deminishes their pain.

[DeadReligion]

I think its too short. Only because, you don't establish any solid meaning, its just imagery, which, is fine. But you've got to establish a bit more of a solid idea here.

[slack]

I'm not so sure why the horizon hurts, but I like having things left to my own imagination.I imagined it as the dawn cutting like a razor, and on the horizon the sky turning red and swelling with the sunrise.Colors. Earth colors: yellows, browns, dark reds. One of the most important metaphysical happenings for me is the development of color inside my mind's eye to envelope the manifestation of images the piece instigates.

I'm also seeing some bombed out WWII city. Only, it's not all grey and blue and misty; it's yellow and brown and burnt and sandy. It's almost like a desert; where time consumes and destroys.

Now comes the metaphor. These buildings from this city, already desolate, destroyed, and defeated, are being lost in the context of time. The sun, everyday; rises and slowly fades more and more significance away from these buildings. Deminishes their pain.Nice. I like that interpretation. Not so sure about the WWII reference, though, as that might have too much historical baggage.I think its too short. Only because, you don't establish any solid meaning, its just imagery, which, is fine. But you've got to establish a bit more of a solid idea here.Yeah, it's more like a comparison between two unrelated things. Maybe a few more lines'll give it some bite. :amaze:

[DeadReligion]

Yeah, that's a beautiful image though. You should indicate the turning red and swelling of the sky though. That'd be mighty cool. Lol.

[deathscreamingsheep]

Do you know what would be good, try and create a haiku with the syllable count and make it as authentic as possible. In fact, I'm off to brainstorm.

Anyway, this seems very much like a fragment that could be joined with a bigger better song but I can't really crit it solely as a verse in its own right.

[RetardedSpiceBar]

Yeah, great imagery, I liked, not much else to say I guess, except good job.