doesn't have a title..

[StandardStringReject]

i tried to edit it, but i dont really get what u mean.. is it like the words that don't make sense, or sum thin else? i tried to like, separate the different ideas, but i dont know what to change

Fatal eyes filled with desire
Clouds your mind with reigns of fire

Attraction builds fatal
down a dark alley
where suspended breath
awaits the slender valley

You close your eyes
your lids a canvas
Painting a piece
of what pray will come...

she steps into your shadows
so seductive, so rare
like a gun she offers you
escape from your despair

innocent she walks
so guiltly does she taunt
It's all her fault

Silently you suffer
Nearer she draws
Wait till you force her
to taste her own claws

through the valley
a raging river
shiver now
as you deliver

what you know
she wanted you
between her lungs
the breath of life
slips downhill
you've conquered the night

[StandardStringReject]

uhg, someone plz give me crit. im not gonna complain, i wanna know what sucks about it. EVERYTHING. i know i suck at giving crit, but im trying

[slip_knot576]

Um ok, it didn't flow. It was hard to make out. So my suggestion is to edit it to where your thing has verses and are more horizontal. the human mind naturally stops at the end of a page so first do that and I'll chack back later. Bye