First thing i've written in ages.

[EmergencyRoom]

I've not written (or posted) anything in here in what feels like forever. This was me just forcing myself to write something for the sake of getting over my writers block. Feel free to tear it apart and i'll crit for crit as per. It's not really finished, but it's more than i've written in months, so here goes:

Untitled

Broken bottle words don’t stick in your throat
As you cut and paste with style and taste
And the hurt you cause flows fluidly,
My salt rubbed emotions can’t stand this verbal siege
No prayer for the dying, as I cry and bleed.
Half formed sounds slither from inside of me
But mine are just words, whilst yours are an armoury

I can’t seem to strike out for the shallows
When your cruel undercurrent starts dragging me down.
Like a trawler net your remarks entangle me,
Strangle me, sinking me deeper than I’ve ever been.
Trapped on the bottom, in a stormy sea of your rage
Alone in the black, dark beyond sight
Will I ever see beyond the surface? Will I ever glimpse your light?

[marvin]

"Broken bottle words don’t stick in your throat
As you cut and paste with style and taste
And the hurt you cause flows fluidly,
My salt rubbed emotions can’t stand this verbal siege"

I like this Im feeling alot of angst here and I like that, the 2nd line is really good,

"No prayer for the dying, as I cry and bleed.
Half formed sounds slither from inside of me
But mine are just words, whilst yours are an armoury"

I like the last line however the cry and bleed line is a bit cliched, You see to much of the old "I bleed line" these day ( I know cause I do it)

"I can’t seem to strike out for the shallows
When your cruel undercurrent starts dragging me down.
Like a trawler net your remarks entangle me,
Strangle me, sinking me deeper than I’ve ever been."

I really didn't like the 2nd last line, it doesn't seem like it fits here in another song maybe, but this piece has a diferent theme.

"Trapped on the bottom, in a stormy sea of your rage
Alone in the black, dark beyond sight
Will I ever see beyond the surface? Will I ever glimpse your light?"

This is my favriot part of the poem/song
"Will I ever glimpse your light?" is really good, and theres some really good imagery here.

All in all pretty good for the first thing you've written in ages. well done
6/10

Ben

[LO$ER-KID]

Sweet lyrics, you should definately finish it off and send it in I'd love to here the finished version

[EmergencyRoom]

Thanks so far. :thumb:

Can anyone else crit it for me?

Crits for the two people so far will be forthcoming.

[deathscreamingsheep]

Broken bottle words don’t stick in your throat
As you cut and paste with style and taste
And the hurt you cause flows fluidly,
My salt rubbed emotions

I don't really like the full on angst as a rule but at least you've attempted some decent imagary. Plus I like the hurt flows fluidly but.

No prayer for the dying, as I cry and bleed.
Half formed sounds slither from inside of me
But mine are just words, whilst yours are an armoury

1st line is not great. Next two are good.

I can’t seem to strike out for the shallows
When your cruel undercurrent starts dragging me down.
Like a trawler net your remarks entangle me,
Strangle me, sinking me deeper than I’ve ever been.
Trapped on the bottom, in a stormy sea of your rage
Alone in the black, dark beyond sight
Will I ever see beyond the surface? Will I ever glimpse your light?

Good comparison first two lines.

OK black dot for a more in depth look as I must dash now.

EDIT: almost forgot I'd promised to crit this further.

Rightey-ho. I really liked the whole image of the sea, but I think the "of your rage" isn't needed as it actually makes the line seem a little cheesy. Also 'strangle me' seems to be added just to create the line length.

Alone in the black, dark beyond sight
Will I ever see beyond the surface? Will I ever glimpse your light

It's personal taste but I don't really like poems that end in this sort of rhetoric. It's alright as a couplet but judging by some of the other stuff you've done (el search function) I think you can do better.