Nails and Chalkboards

[DeadReligion]

1,000 posts!!!!!!!!! For some reason, that makes me happy, anyway, this probably isn't my best. And for those of you who owe me crits (probably like...10-20 people by now) crit this.

Nails And Chalkboards

The world is scraping at my door, like nail against chalkboard.
This microphone is feeding back in my ears.
The war of me crushes like a boot on my old human face.
I’ve got an aspirin aspiration, for a super suicide.
Soul serenity is what I crave, an answer, a solution.
Tranquility; like those soft waves landing on welcoming sand.
But saviors seem too often to be crucified and destroyed.
Try to overcome human nature; greed, homicide, arrogance, bigotry,
It’s like a dying ant attempting to life a boulder from his deformed body.

Rape victims rapping on the door of my apartment,
And ghosts of disease and murder wait in my bedroom.
The corrupt force me to deal with their idiotic banter,
All the while the world suffers through freezing winter;
The second coming of the ice age.
The poverty-stricken throw pebbles at my window,
And ask if I could spare some change. So I toss down a fifty.
We’ve got to clean up this ****ing mess. This ****ing blood-soaked mess.
I can’t do it myself, I’m not strong enough, I confess.

[jb6oclock]

Hey DR this is the shiznits man I love this chop it's the best writing I've read from you (I'm fairly new) But this rocks. It's like a clash of Sublime and Rage Against the Machine, I'm straight up feelin' it, I'll write the music you buy the beer we'll put this sh/t out there. 10/10

[EmergencyRoom]

A chance to flex the critiquing muscles after a long enforced absence:)

Nails And Chalkboards

The world is scraping at my door, like nail against chalkboard.

Door/ Chalkboard is a nice rhyme here. Nice imagery if a little cliche'd


This microphone is feeding back in my ears.
The war of me crushes like a boot on my old human face.

I'm not to sure about the microphone line. In the grand scheme of the rest of the piece it seems too much like filler and doesn't serve any real purpose


I’ve got an aspirin aspiration, for a super suicide.
Soul serenity is what I crave, an answer, a solution.


I like this part. The alliteration runs nicely and the lines fit well together. The ideas of hopes and answers fit together and these flow very well also.


Tranquility; like those soft waves landing on welcoming sand.
But saviors seem too often to be crucified and destroyed.
Try to overcome human nature; greed, homicide, arrogance, bigotry,
It’s like a dying ant attempting to life* a boulder from his deformed body.

* Lift?

The last line here doesn't sound very good set against the rest of this part. It seems very clumsy. The rest of this part has nice ideas, but it doesn't really flow very fluidly. The introduction of some rhyme or a more formal structure here might make this part click into place.



Rape victims rapping on the door of my apartment,
And ghosts of disease and murder wait in my bedroom.
The corrupt force me to deal with their idiotic banter,
All the while the world suffers through freezing winter;
The second coming of the ice age.


You seem to add in rhyming couplets at random. It makes the peice very stop-start. Again the ideas are nice but the wording could be revised. It just seems clumsy again. If you add a bit of metaphor in here to convey your ideas it meight help introduce some subtlety.

The poverty-stricken throw pebbles at my window,
And ask if I could spare some change. So I toss down a fifty.
We’ve got to clean up this ****ing mess. This ****ing blood-soaked mess.
I can’t do it myself, I’m not strong enough, I confess.

The ending of this is very abrupt and doesn't sound right. The rhyme at the end is just tossed in there again and it looks like rhyming for rhymes sake, even though you probably aren't. Again it lacks in subtlety but it's based on powerful emotion and frustration. You could do a lot better with the themes if you just revise the wording.

All in all, not a good piece, but not a bad piece either. It's seems like a first draft and it sounds more like raw ideas than a finished written and revised work. If you take the ideas behind the lines and hide them behind some more clever wording this could be a nice bit of writing.

Hope that's helpful to you.:thumb: