The Friday after Ash Wednesday

[over_bends]

It's entitled the Friday After Ash Wednesday and it has double meanings in my life. I'm relatively new to this writing business, so tell me what you think.
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Here we go again, I’ve been here before
But I can’t remember when
All the times we had together were nothing new
Get this familiarality out of my head
Gotta get out its so hard to breathe
Rather lie to you instead

So I don’t care whatever I say to you...

Never do what I what I say I am going to do
Every lied promise to you is the same
I try my damndest and I end up failng
Sick of playing these ****ing games
Let’s end this now before we get started
Please do away with unfilled pain

So leave me alone, I don’t want to hear it again...

Make a commitment you say
Why don’t you abandon me
Can’t fight it now its so much harder today
Forget about tomorrow, let’s deal with the past
I was so abusive, but I know your love’ll still last

And now I’m out of control on my way...

To the Friday after Ash Wednesday

[MarshallArtist3203]

I like this its a bit different, I like your phrasing and imagry. What kind of music are you thinking of putting this too? I think overall its an 8/10 maybe we should start a band together Im pretty good at writing guitar stuff lol. Sorry this isnt that great of a crit but Im running short on time catch you later.

[over_bends]

I already have music to it, but unfortunately I don't have any means to record it. Its a slower-tempo'd punk/emo song. I'm pretty good at writing emo, and hate it that the genre caught a bad rap because its the cool things to do. Most emo is heart-felt and at this point in my life, isolation and fake things all around me is what I feel so most of my songs deal with these topics. Hopefully, a happier song will come around in the wonderful future.

[slack]

Nauseatingly self-centered. And what I mean by that is this poem/lyric/whatever is all about how you feel, what you want, what you're going to do, and frankly I, as a reader, just don't care by the time I've finished reading it. The title is interesting, but I don't see a connection between it and the rest of the piece, and why the Friday after Ash Wednesday is supposed to be significant is lost on me. I'm not religious and I don't have a calendar handy, so eh, whatever.

The scathing truth is that this is forgettable stuff. Keep at it; writing's a skill just like everything else. You get better the more you do it.

[pie20spike]

I do agree with slackjaw that this is forgettable, I can imangine the music to go with it and it's not summin I'd remember defo. The beggining to end feel is nice, but try to cover a topic or tell a story. At the very least try being slef-refferential.

[JadedBass]

Though I'm still pretty new at this...You seem to use "I" a bit much. THoguh emo tends to use it alot its get rather annoying

but not bad:chug: