My first attempt at a different genre. "Prize" Crit For Crit!

[Bub]

Yeah as said, this is my first attempt at a new genre. Its a more funkrock feel when inthe past I've written more metal stylised lyrics.
Tell me what you think, and as stated, Crit For Crit!

<Verse 1>
"Have a go, see if you can see"
I still freeze at the memory
Your words, but maybe not exactly,
Combined, deceived and invited me
"Have a go, why not give a try?"
Now I know, I wish I lied
You'd sight, when maybe I was blind
Wi'my eyes, imagine my surprise

<Pre Chorus>
I told you not to a-worry
You said then please don't a-make me
That's your way of saying "here's...
*drum fill*

<Chorus>
ONE TRY!" Will I survive? I'll leave you to decide
Our fate was in my hands til the second we made the divide.
One more! Just to be sure? Will you hold that closing door?
Cos I love it and I want it and I'm still saying gimme the prize

<Verse 2>
Gave it all, was ready to recieve,
I had faith but I was naive,
What came next, a struggle to believe
The party just started when you asked to leave
On your left, see a hawk and vole
On your right dog and ball
All around, something to recall
The one sided fight, one man brawl

<Pre Chorus>
I had to prise forgiveness
From your coooold dead hands
It took me this long to realise
That's exactly what you planned!
*drum fill*

<Chorus>
"ONE TRY!" Will I survive? I'll leave you to decide
Our fate was in my hands til the second we made the divide.
One more! Just to be sure? Will you hold that closing door?
Cos I love it and I want it and I'm still saying gimme the prize

<bridge>

You say, next time, be beeetter next time
Next time, you'll find, 'll beee no next time
I'll mind, your kind, keep saaying last time
Last time, still saaying last tiiiime, still saying

One more! Just to be sure? Will you hold that closing door?
Cos I love it and I want it and I'm still saying gimme the prize
"ONE TRY!" Will I survive? I'll leave you to decide
Our fate was in my hands til the second we made the divide.
One more! Just to be sure? Will you hold that closing door?
Cos I love it and I want it and I'm still saying gimme the prize"

----------

There we are :) I'm a bit concerned about the ending, and the title.
The bridge may not look exciting here but it does (in my opinion) sound good when sorta jammed by my singer.

be harsh, be kind, whatever - just be truthful.
Crit for Crit! Thanks in advance!

[Steerpike]

<Verse 1>
"Have a go, see if you can see"
I still freeze at the memory
Your words, but maybe not exactly,
Combined, deceived and invited me
"Have a go, why not give a try?"
Now I know, I wish I lied
You'd sight, when maybe I was blind
Wi'my eyes, imagine my surprise

I can sort of see the funk to this, but it's really hard to put to a tune. For some reason I see it working best with a rather breakneck lyrical delivery like Streetlight Manifesto or BOTAR.

As for the words themselves, lines four and five seem to clash a bit due to the rhythms, but the last three work better.

<Pre Chorus>
I told you not to a-worry
You said then please don't a-make me
That's your way of saying "here's...
*drum fill*

Reconsider how you wrote this. When reading it, I hear a Super Mario Bros accent. Were you trying to go for a Buddy Holly vibe the way he puts a verbal "hiccup" to accent syllables?

<Chorus>
ONE TRY!" Will I survive? I'll leave you to decide
Our fate was in my hands til the second we made the divide.
One more! Just to be sure? Will you hold that closing door?
Cos I love it and I want it and I'm still saying gimme the prize

Although I really like the flow of the last line, the first two keep throwing me off. I just can't seem to get a tune going to that.

<Verse 2>
Gave it all, was ready to recieve,
I had faith but I was naive,
What came next, a struggle to believe
The party just started when you asked to leave
On your left, see a hawk and vole
On your right dog and ball
All around, something to recall
The one sided fight, one man brawl

The last four lines feel kind of awkward to me. Like saying it aloud would require more effort than it was worth, if that makes sense.

The first half flows, nicely though.

<Pre Chorus>
I had to prise forgiveness
From your coooold dead hands
It took me this long to realise
That's exactly what you planned!
*drum fill*

Find a different word than "prise."

<bridge>

You say, next time, be beeetter next time
Next time, you'll find, 'll beee no next time
I'll mind, your kind, keep saaying last time
Last time, still saaying last tiiiime, still saying

Well if it works for your band, okay. The repetition of "time" makes an interesting point, and the rhymes are good, but I just can't seem to put it to a tune.

7.5/10

[Bub]

A different wrod to "prise" eh, why is that may I ask?
I rememebr I was originally gonna do something clever with "prise" and "prize" but it didn't work and I kept it in, but I can't really see a problem with it myself personally.

The first verse is a kinda RHCP delivery really, so yeah you aren't that far off.
I see what you mean with line four and five, but if you think of those 8 lines as 2 4 line verses pushed together, might help you imagine it.

And yes! Buddy Holly is exactly what I was going for! It's just a small "gap" before the word really.

I also see what you mean about the last 4 line sof the other verse sounding awkward to get out, but I dunno it sounds quite good as its sound fast. I'll trim it a bit

Thanks for your crit back!

Keep 'em coming people :)

[slack]

I wonder if anyone else is having trouble understanding this piece. The title is as vague as the rest of it is, and who or what the narrator/subject is (I/you) is lost on me.

The constant end rhyme is unbearable, and I started to focus on it about midway through, which is bad for two reasons: 1. The rhymes themselves are poor; and 2. It distracted me from the poem's message. I did manage a second read, however. Try other sound devices, like internal rhyme, or assonance/alliteration. It helps make things more interesting if you mix it up.

The questions and the !exclamations! made this feel like some corny rally cry, like something you'd hear on an AFI album. Posing questions in writing just seems pointless to me, at least when they're done as excessively as they are here.

Didn't do much for me.

[Bub]

Ok, but to be fair, if you look at my chorus there's a lot of internal rhyme there
The questions are quickfire and barely said as questions, so that's not a problem in the piece, and exclamations? There's what, three in the whole piece?

"Who or what the narrator is?"
....its....a...person?
I really don't think the subject of the piece is too hard to understand

But thanks for your crit, at least its another opinion

[mutt]

Okay so in general, the whole thing is a little wordy...trying to impress us with your extensive vocabulary are you? May not be a bad thing...but i dunno some words like vole...not to many people are gonna know what that is...i dunno maybe thats what you are going for.

I do like the sort of (what was previously described as an accenting hiccup) in the pre-chorus...that little a- in front of a couple words...seems to give it almost an our lady peace from clumbsy feel to the vocals in my head...be it good or bad i like it...although i hate that olp album.

The song looks like it might be a little long for the point you are getting across...the ending seems a little drawn out, and looks like its there to just puch the length of the song to 5 minutes or something...I dunno maybe just me.

Overall I do like the general flow and rhyme scheme...You've got a good solid chorus in there, and a different sounding pre-chorus adding to the uniqueness of the song.

One last criticism is that in the second verse it would not hurt to change up the rhyme scheme for a new "taste" in the song instead of A,A,A,A,B,B,B,B
you could go AABA,BBAB....or something similar... just a thought though something to spice it up a little ya know!

Anyways, good tune keep it up, not too often the drummer writes the lyrics, so thats kinda neet.

pz,
dave

[Bub]

:amaze: you know I'm a drummer! hah flattering
Thanks for the crit, definately helpful, I can see what you mean about the ending. I was trying to get some sort of singalong powerful chorus at the end goign down, you know like a repeated chorus where there's a little more than usual going on.
I don't think this was my wordiest piece by any means, I mean, what you picked out, "vole" is an animal? What hawks eat...maybe you were expecting something a bit more complex :smoke:
The rhyme scheme idea is a good one, I'm gonna go over that second half of the second chorus and see if I can come up with anything for that bit now.
Cheers!