Mob Justice

[Steerpike]

My first foray into death metal.

Mob Justice
Mob Justice

Plowshares to swords, rally the mob
Procession of torches, the system has failed
Rancor and spite guide the first stone
They've come for your blood so vengeance prevails

Taking from them all that they had
Bonfires are glowing, eclipsing the moon
A price to be paid, equalize all
Written with hatred, the price is your doom

Cast the first stone

Mob Justice
Mob Justice
Mob Justice
Mob Justice

Surrounded and trapped, closing in fast
The lambs now slaughter the wolf in return
Your castle, your keep now under siege
Watching with hatred your pyre as it burns

Cast the first stone

Mob Justice
Mob Justice
Mob Justice
Mob Justice

Cast the first stone
Mob Justice
Bring the pig down!
Mob Justice!

Crit for a crit, of course.

[Bub]

My first foray into death metal.


Mob Justice
Mob Justice

I guess I'd have to hear this, written down it seems a little unnecessary but hey if it adds to the song

Plowshares to swords, rally the mob
Procession of torches, the system has failed
Rancor and spite guide the first stone
They've come for your blood so vengeance prevails

I like - much better way of phrasing it than you see a lot of lyricists do. I assume "the first stone" was thrown by "they" and the vengeance that prevails is your vengeance against them? Yeah I like this, the rhyme of "failed" and "prevails" wouldn't normally be such a good one strictly speaking but in a death metal context I can see it easily working.

Taking from them all that they had
Bonfires are glowing, eclipsing the moon
A price to be paid, equalize all
Written with hatred, the price is your doom

"eclipsing the moon" is a bit out of character, sure it shows the intensity ofthe bonfires but it seems the kind of Power Metal "the moon shall guide us over seas" kind of lyrics...its not something I'd mosh to anyway, that line - I think you could do with changing it.
"written with hatred, the price is your doom" is a bit generic but shows emotional integrity etc etc, yeah its an average line, no immediate rush to alter this one.

"Taking from them"...see I thought this song was about YOU, not what THEY lost. That was an initial assumption and I think following it through would give you more chance to put emotion into it, and the audience could relate to that anger. Maybe "Taking from US all that WE had" instead...

Cast the first stone

I thought the first stone was cast against you? What do you mean here?
Even if I don't get it, its a cool sounding line

Mob Justice
Mob Justice
Mob Justice
Mob Justice

**** yeah, this sounds like it'd be hella fun to jump and go crazy to :p its unusual in its content, whilst being simple as anything. There's never been a better 1-line-repeat chorus

Surrounded and trapped, closing in fast
The lambs now slaughter the wolf in return
Your castle, your keep now under siege
Watching with hatred your pyre as it burns

the first line with the rhyme in it (trapped, fast) is really good, sounds fast and furious and sudden. Reminds me of "Aces High" sort of pace. "The lambs..." line is great, real good metaphor you have there.
"Your castle," hmm that line sounds like it shouldn't have a commar in there, but rather than just take it out you might have to reword it a bit, or, stick a comma AFTER "keep". Gives it the same pace as the first line.
"pyre" is I dunno, it doesn't sound right. Might need a stronger word, the "yre" sound in there is very soft

Cast the first stone

Mob Justice
Mob Justice
Mob Justice
Mob Justice

Cast the first stone
Mob Justice
Bring the pig down!
Mob Justice!

"Bring the pig down"?
not really necessary, don't think you should stoop to putting "pig" in there
Maybe your last chorus should just be "Mob Justice" X 8 or 12, and just make it more intense than your usual choruses (faster double bass, or whatever)
Crit for a crit, of course.

Overall this is great, I don't listen to much death metal but I feel I know how it should go. It looks like your first draft, a few things you can change here and there but yeah, I think in the context of a song these lyrics will be great

I don't tend to do marks out of 10, but this would be 7-8
Well done!

Going to post a song in a sec and I'll leave you the link in here :)
Cheers!

Edit: here you are http://musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=450127

[TojesDolan]

Sure. I'll make this an "u owe me"

I'm not a fanatic of repetitive choruses... however, if that seems to suit amazingly a certain riff or whatever, then go ahead, but I'd always put apart the lyrical value from the musical value.
The first two stanzas flow very naturally... other than the clichéd line "the system has failed" I think it's OK.

The next "verse" I think it is, is good... the metaphors are a bit old, but they still work well. I'd recommend getting another metaphor on the victims becoming victimizers or something around that line.

It's good for Death metal. At least you didn't start mumbling with medical terms and cadaveric sexual intercourse. Cheers on this, I liked it.

[Steerpike]

I guess I'd have to hear this, written down it seems a little unnecessary but hey if it adds to the song

If it helps, I already wrote the music. The structure of the song goes:

Intro (pre-chorus and chorus riffs)
Verse
Verse
Pre-Chorus/Chorus
Verse
Pre-Chorus/Chorus
Solo
Pre-Chorus/Chorus
Outro (solo over chorus riff)

I like - much better way of phrasing it than you see a lot of lyricists do. I assume "the first stone" was thrown by "they" and the vengeance that prevails is your vengeance against them? Yeah I like this, the rhyme of "failed" and "prevails" wouldn't normally be such a good one strictly speaking but in a death metal context I can see it easily working.

Alright I'll modify it a bit to re-work the perspective. I wanted this to be a third-party observation of a mob taking down a corrupt person in power through a night of violence.

But it could also work as first-person.

"eclipsing the moon" is a bit out of character, sure it shows the intensity ofthe bonfires but it seems the kind of Power Metal "the moon shall guide us over seas" kind of lyrics...its not something I'd mosh to anyway, that line - I think you could do with changing it.

Power metal is my usual fair, but I'll think about it.

I thought the first stone was cast against you? What do you mean here?
Even if I don't get it, its a cool sounding line

The mob is casting the first stone against the one oppressed them. Again, I'll work on the perspective.

**** yeah, this sounds like it'd be hella fun to jump and go crazy to :p its unusual in its content, whilst being simple as anything. There's never been a better 1-line-repeat chorus

Thanks. I wanted a good chanting chorus. I wish I could show the riff I ended up putting it with.

"pyre" is I dunno, it doesn't sound right. Might need a stronger word, the "yre" sound in there is very soft

I guess it just sounded better to the vocal melody I thought of, but I'll think about that as well.

"Bring the pig down"?
not really necessary, don't think you should stoop to putting "pig" in there

Point taken.

The first two stanzas flow very naturally... other than the clichéd line "the system has failed" I think it's OK.

I'll see if I can get a better line going in the re-writes.

The next "verse" I think it is, is good... the metaphors are a bit old, but they still work well. I'd recommend getting another metaphor on the victims becoming victimizers or something around that line.

I actually kind of liked that one. Has it been done before?

It's good for Death metal. At least you didn't start mumbling with medical terms and cadaveric sexual intercourse. Cheers on this, I liked it.

Definately wanted to avoid that.

[jb6oclock]

This song to me seems very well written, especially to fit with some hardcore screaming and deathmetal riffs, I really like the concept and you elaborated very well. The only thing that erked me was the word "pyre" it is way over used and I don't feel like it was the best word choice where you put it but other than that all I can say is.....awesome man. 9/10