- 1547 T.o.d. –

[Lowridenn]

Perhaps this was the wrong time to call it.

You. I know you.
I’d recognize the feel of those hands anywhere.
Why you have left me?

Perhaps there was a mistake from the beginning.

Please, just tell me.
It has been so long since anyone has spoken truth to me.
That white coat wont protect you for long.

“…started a second line and administered two liters of O-neg in the field.”

“…start a central line and give her 5mg morphine.
I need a cross table c-spine, CBC, Chem 7,
And lets get a… she’s crashing!
Charge 200. Clear…!”

The electric shock.
Please just skim my blood for
Something, anything that would explain
Why I speak, but no one hears me…

Perhaps it was her time to die.

“We did everything we could…”

[Crimsonpunk]

KK, don't know if i'm the most helpfull person to crit, but I usualy like your stuff, so I checked it out.
You seem to have a pretty original way of formatting songs/prose, people could either love it or hold it against you, but I think it's pretty cool. This piece comes across, to me anyway, like a montage of thoughts, or like a flashback scene in a film. It's pretty powerful and effective. The only thing I can suggest is mabye lengthen it a bit, but it might lose some of it's affect, so mabye not.

[Sade]

Perhaps this was the wrong time to call it.

You. I know you.
I’d recognize the feel of those hands anywhere.
Why you have left me?

Perhaps there was a mistake from the beginning.

Please, just tell me.
It has been so long since anyone has spoken truth to me.
That white coat wont protect you for long.

“…started a second line and administered two liters of O-neg in the field.”

“…start a central line and give her 5mg morphine.
I need a cross table c-spine, CBC, Chem 7,
And lets get a… she’s crashing!
Charge 200. Clear…!”

The electric shock.
Please just skim my blood for
Something, anything that would explain
Why I speak, but no one hears me…

Perhaps it was her time to die.

“We did everything we could…”

This piece is much too complex to be picked apart; so I'm just going to say a few things:

This is great. Completely refreshing, completely unique with the medical dialouge thrown in. You create a very, very powerful scene with your stark, thoughtful choice of words, and use of literary tools such as line breaks, punctuation, physical space, etc.

"Perhaps it was her time to die." Then, as bleak, and as painful as death:

"We did everything we could."

Brilliant use of a line break. This piece is very moving.

There isn't much I can give you in the way of critique, I feel this piece needs none. I would be very much interested in hearing your thoughts on my current: "Form."

Take a peak if you've got time? :thumb:

EDIT: link.
http://musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=449931

[Lowridenn]

Wow, totally unexpected positive response to this one, I debated for a good hour whether or not to post this one, I'm glad I did. Thanks for the responses, as always it's much appreciated.

[FA]

Like someone mentioned above, it does seem to hard to pick apart, so I'll say a couple things. I did enjoy this piece a little bit, it was simple yet very emotional. The imagery really wasn't there but you don't need that for a piece like this. It's kind of nice seeing something a little new to the scene, keep writing, post more, :chug:

[slack]

1547 t.o.d., which I assume means 3:47 time of death.It has been so long since anyone has spoken truth to me.
That white coat wont protect you for long.These lines stood out, like they were the most important details; the crux of the piece. It feels very negative, like somehow doctors are hiding something or are to blame. For what, it's hard to say. What "truth"? Why has it been so long? Because this person's been in a coma? Why won't the white coat, i.e., the institution of medicine, protect for long? I did not find that these questions were answered well enough. The part I underlined made me think that when this person dies, he/she will transcend and know what the "truth" really is, or whatever. Just guessing at this point. The three voices here--patient, doctor, and omnsicent--are all reasonably effective, but as a whole, I dunno, it kinda fell flat. The italicized patient narrative is basically cardboard to me, it didn't resonate or illicit any emotional response from me, and if this were ever put to music, I imagine the doctor dialogue could only work as a sample, alongside ambience of some kind.

It's awfully interesting, but ... I just don't see it working as a song or poetry. And I'm not a poetry elitist by any stretch, it's just that I am having a hard time finding any poetic devices here.

[Lowridenn]

Slackjaw- This piece is a bit rough, I'll be the first to admit it. It is the first I've tried writing in this style (with the patient / physician dialogues and such), so yeah, it is rough. It is not anything negative about doctors, it isn't even a general feeling of disposition or blame. It's simply the story of a (and I didn't expect anyone to get this) new doctor, who is second guessing himself because he has made a mistake and was unable to explain this to the patient, as she died. She patient has been treated wrongly in the past and was brought in after being beaten. Again, this was not supposed to be understood from reading this piece, it's just a back story I came up with when writing this.

What is supposed to be attainable from reading the piece is that the doctor is second guessing himself, and the patient is detached emotionally and cognitively from what is going on, and then dies at the end.

I appreciate your comments.

[slack]

What is supposed to be attainable from reading the piece is that the doctor is second guessing himself, and the patient is detached emotionally and cognitively from what is going on, and then dies at the end.Ah, well that did come through. The military time and the bolded section of this quote“…started a second line and administered two liters of O-neg in the field.”had me thinking I was missing some crucial detail, which is a familiar feeling I get around these parts. :)

The repetitive "Perhaps this was..." does a good job establishing doubt early on, and then making it seem like this death was being justified. Nice touch at the end with the doctor's quote. Maybe you ought to include a clue that the doctor was relatively new, that he had nervous hands or something. That might give the piece more of a bite.