Burn (first song/work in progress)

[puppet.master]

*spoken word type dealy*
The flames consume you
The heat wraps around you
devouring you
Flesh burns, Blood boils
*end*

Burn
Burn Alive

memorys and loves flash before your eyes
its your suprise you,

Burn
Burn Alive

Sitting on the pyre
meeting your hellish demise
your body turns to ash

Burn
Burn Alive







i dunno its still a work in progress and theres a few parts i dont like
and i think it could be longer but i thought it wouldnt hurt to come here and get suggestions, ive never posted in here before but im getting really into writing songs these days so ill post all the stuff i comeup with

[Euphoric Tragedy]

ooh i really like it!
there's lots of emotion behind it...very angstful.
it's great.
good luck. :thumb:
peace.
-xJillianx-

[puppet.master]

thanks

im happy someone liked it

anyone have pointers?

[FA]

Is this the finished piece? If not, I'd like to see it finished to better understand everything. It seems incredibly short to me, so don't take offense if this is the finished product.

[puppet.master]

not finished hence the work in progress :P:P

i just cant think of anything to fill it with hopefully soon though

[-axiom-]

i really like it, it has really good flow to it. i really like how you made demise and alive flow that is really good, kinda short, but like you said it is a work in progress.

[Ruining]

Maybe you need to add something personal about the person in this work. Otherwise, it just sounds like typical teen angst that will get you nowhere in your writing. It's obvious that you're pissed and all, but maybe if you offer a reason for us to get angy with you, we could identify with the part that you have. The way it is now, you just seem a little psycho. Not in a quirky, "hey this guy is cool" way, but in a, "lets not bother this guy because I think he carries a gas can and a zippo" kind of way. You've never cut an ear off, have you?

Give some specifics to piss us off and the finished product will be cool. Proabably.

good luck.

[Jezen]

Good to see you got into writing Dave!

[mojoman0]

its like 5 different words...

[puppet.master]

its obviously more than 5 diff words

anyways ive got some adjustments coming to hold tight

[slack]

Too simplistic. There's really only one idea at work here, and you constantly repeat it; the first three lines, for example.

It needs a lot of work.

[puppet.master]

Alright ive added some to it

*spoken*
The flames consume you
The heat wraps around you
Devouring you
Flesh burns, Blood boils
*end*

Burn
Burn Alive

Memories and loves flash before your eyes
Its your surprise…you,

Burn
Burn Alive

Sitting on the pyre
Meeting your hellish demise
Your body turns to ash
As the days go by…you

Burn
Burn Alive
Burn
Burn Alive…
Alive, No More…
Alive…No More!!!

*deep growl tone*

DEAD




still not really meant to be a long song

[Ruining]

As the days go by…you

Burn
Burn Alive
Burn
Burn Alive…
Alive, No More…
Alive…No More!!!

*deep growl tone*

DEAD


Are you ****ing SERIOUS?!?!?! This "revision" has done NOTHING but add to a steaming lump of hoop you've alread posted. This is ridiculous.
Your revision's done nothing to improve the song or idea of this thing. I've now given up on you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you want them to burn. We get it, already. This sucks. Stop writing it.

[puppet.master]

wtf is your problem

die in a hole you bastard ****

seriously
go find a whole
crawl into it

and expire


if you dont like my writing dont read it

i said i added abit to it not made it a million times better

[CcD]

Nevertheless, you haven't introduced any new ideas. The topic you've chosen is extremely broad, and you've only presented it in a vague and repetitive way; it's also been done thousands of times before. Just make your version of it more personal to you. Who do you want to burn, and why? Of course originality in such a trite subject will be challenging for a new writer. Just keep at it and consider other peoples criticisms.

[SafetyInSolitude]

Your song definitely has potential but, like others have said, you present it too much of a linear fashion.

You've got a very good idea, but you don't really go anywhere with it. Try adding more details to make the imagery pop out, and then you'll have a song.

Right now all I see is one idea, repeated over and over. There's nothing too different about any of the lines, and it gets a tad boring after a while.

Hope you have some luck finishing this one up. I'd like to see the finished version.

[schecterplaya]

i think that is a decent song. i espically like:
"The flames consume you
The heat wraps around you
Devouring you
Flesh burns, Blood boils"
that whole image gives me the chills. it sorta makes me think of the Salem, MA witch stuff. pretty creppy. 8/10

i also like this part: "Memories and loves flash before your eyes
Its your surprise…you," says that it was a good person and he/she has things that they think before they go to their "hellish demise". 7/10

overall 8/10, i liked the imagery and it could be a good song with more meat on its bones. peace.

[Ruining]

wtf is your problem

die in a hole you bastard ****

seriously
go find a whole
crawl into it

and expire


if you dont like my writing dont read it

i said i added abit to it not made it a million times better

Okay, dude. I was a little hard on you. Sorry. I was having a **** day and took it out on you by being an internet tough guy. I'm standing by my original post, (if you even read it). You should make it more specific about one person and get us pissed off with you, to help us identify. Good luck. (btw, I'm a tough guy in real life, too, not just the internet.) And I imagine that I will eventually die and wind up in a hole some place, if it makes you feel any better.

[thenewguy515]

It sounds like a metal song, and if it is, I would change some small things here:
*spoken word type dealy*
The flames consume you
The heat wraps around you
devouring you
Flesh burns, Blood boils
*end*

Burn
Burn Alive

memorys and loves flash before,
your eyes,
its your suprise you,

Burn
Burn Alive

Sitting on the pyre,
meeting your hellish demise
Leaving the rest behind.(changed this line)

Burn
Burn Alive

[puppet.master]

yeah its a metal song pretty much everything i write is, i gues i should have stated that in the beggining

but thanks for the idea, im gonna use it