Me As The Weapon C4C

[marvin]

Me as the weapon

Intro
I just want to scream
Louder and harder than I ever have
I want all the emotion to just come out
I’m feeling sick and sad

V1
I just want you to go away,
Just want your words to ricochet,
I want all my memories to leave,
Just wish that you would let me breath,

Chorus
How does the power feel?
To know that you’re killing me,
And when all your work is done
You'll use me as the weapon

V2
I don't want to feel,
Wish I was numb or not even real,
I'm to fragile I found that out,
I guess I'll show aggression now,

Chorus

Bridge
I tried so hard to not make it hurt,
But perception seems to just invert,
All the words have turned around,
Now you’re the victim screaming loud,

Chorus
End

[-axiom-]

that is really good, but i would suggest not rhyming every last word, i think that if some didnt rhyme it would flow better than it already does. but thats just me and i am new lol.

[Ruining]

Hey. You did some pretty good stuff here. I'm not going to give a full crit, cause I'm pretty tired and i would just be a butthole about everything.

I think a lot of the rhyme seems forced. It makes you concentrate on the rhyme and not the flow, or the message. Also, it seems like the language is pretty simple and could be made cooler, as you have some respectable ideas. What are you listening to/reading right now?

[jb6oclock]

I think you and everyone else will find that if you turn on your radio and actually listen to it, that every song rhymes. I personally enjoyed the rhyme scheme in this song as well as the content, it was a very easy read and I think it would rock as a song. Excellent job! 8.9/10

[marvin]

Thanks guys, im listening to (too much) nirvana at the moment,
I was pretty cut when I wrote this and I hope the anger was conveyed in the piece (I think it was).
some of the rhymes were pretty forced but thats just cause I (in my rage) wasn't really thinking about the rhymes, but the words are true. well anyway thats a little bit of the background of this song. thanks for the crits