Form. (Crit for a crit, just post a link.)

[Sade]

Ahh, sorry if I missed returning anybody's critique last time; I was sorely busy with other tasks, couldn't bring myself to look at writing for a time. That's not the case this time around, however!

Form

Educate the sunrise, bleeding colors through the motionless.
How dissonant.
So instinctive, I
Defend my failing eyes from static’s end.
Give me time to rescind.
This paraplegic black and white will make amends,
I pretend.

Decaying, I
Form the images of the dissent.
Dividing, I
Contort the colors.
Put to sleep the hypnotic.

Splinter the inert, medicated holograms;
How discordant.
So visceral, I
Descend past and through technology’s end.
Give me time to make amends.
This hypnotic colorless entity is barely out of breath.

As the atmosphere weakens our dissent.
As the hypnotic wake from their content.
As the static forms the image of the end.
I pretend.

[shaggy_shags]

nice man... it flows well i think... the wording is ok in sum parts and in others it's so so... but all in all it's a good song i would go more in depth but i don't have the time right now... if you want you can check my newest out ppl haven't liked it so far but who knows lol i don't like it myself honestly i jus twrite stuff as it comes outta my head i have never sat for longer than a half hour trying to write a song.. it just shoots through me... http://musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=449963

[Ruining]

Form

Educate the sunrise, bleeding colors through the motionless.
How dissonant.
(nice opening. I think this is probably my fav part. It really grabs your attention with nice imagery to keep you reading/listening.)

So instinctive, I
Defend my failing eyes from static’s end.
Give me time to rescind.
This paraplegic black and white will make amends,
I pretend. (you do such a good job with making this idea flow. I'm not 100% convinced on the vocab, but I'm not quite sure what else you could do to keep this as stuctured as it is. I also like the idea that the black and white is paraplegic. It took a minuted for me to get it, but it's a great idea.)

Decaying, I
Form the images of the dissent.
Dividing, I
Contort the colors.
Put to sleep the hypnotic.(Damn, dude. I'd have to work my *** off to come up with something negative to say about this. It sits well. The imagery is spot on. I wonder, "decaying" and "dividing"... I wonder why you've chosen these words when everything in the begining is coming back to life, or making amends. Even if it's only pretend.)

Splinter the inert, medicated holograms;
How discordant.
So visceral, I
Descend past and through technology’s end.
Give me time to make amends.
This hypnotic colorless entity is barely out of breath.( This is where you lost me. So... the holograms are colorless and barely out of breath? I'm also not sure where you are going with the technology's end. I'm stupid.)

As the atmosphere weakens our dissent.
As the hypnotic wake from their content.
As the static forms the image of the end.
I pretend.(Great ending. You did a nice job in selecting the right products of your stanzas to sum it all up. Nice work.)

Again, nice job. I don't think there is much I would change about this piece. The only stuff I had a hard time with was the stuff that was either too abstract, or I'm to much of a dumbass to understand from the 3rd stanza. I'm gonna have to go back and read some more of your work. I'm impressed.:thumb:

[FA]

Educate the sunrise, bleeding colors through the motionless.
How dissonant.
So instinctive, I
Defend my failing eyes from static’s end.
Give me time to rescind.
This paraplegic black and white will make amends,
I pretend.

I'm not so fond of the rhyme scheme, but everyone has their tastes. Everything seems ok here, but the rhyming does kind of annoy me...

Decaying, I
Form the images of the dissent.
Dividing, I
Contort the colors.
Put to sleep the hypnotic.

Seems like this part, as well as the last stanza, would make kind of a blunt hard rock sound, but hey that's just me maybe. Contort is such a funny sounding word, I'd suggest changing that.

Splinter the inert, medicated holograms;
How discordant.
So visceral, I
Descend past and through technology’s end.
Give me time to make amends.
This hypnotic colorless entity is barely out of breath.

I really like how you tie in the last line of this stanza with the previous stanza's ending. It gives an idea of what's goin on, kind of like a timeline within the song.

As the atmosphere weakens our dissent.
As the hypnotic wake from their content.
As the static forms the image of the end.
I pretend.

The ending seems to abrubt and trite, but other than that everything seems to be fine. For some reason this was a hard song for me to critique. It could use some re-adjusting, but it seems pretty rad.

[marvin]

Educate the sunrise, bleeding colors through the motionless.
How dissonant.
So instinctive, I
Defend my failing eyes from static’s end.
Give me time to rescind.
This paraplegic black and white will make amends,
I pretend.

i like this, the last to lines are the best 2 by far

Decaying, I
Form the images of the dissent.
Dividing, I
Contort the colors.
Put to sleep the hypnotic.

strangly enough im getting good Imagery from this, very very cool

Splinter the inert, medicated holograms;
How discordant.
So visceral, I
Descend past and through technology’s end.
Give me time to make amends.
This hypnotic colorless entity is barely out of breath.

I didn't really like the first line, it didn't seem to stand out like the rest of the song

As the atmosphere weakens our dissent.
As the hypnotic wake from their content.
As the static forms the image of the end.
I pretend.

this is my favriot part of the whole thing i really like the "i pretend" theme that is going on

good song 8/10 , i mean it really good

Um my song is called "me as a weapon" but im not sure how to post links sorry



Ben

[Ruining]

Splinter the inert, medicated holograms;
How discordant.
So visceral, I
Descend past and through technology’s end.
Give me time to make amends.
This hypnotic colorless entity is barely out of breath.

I didn't really like the first line, it didn't seem to stand out like the rest of the song

I know I probably shouldn't be disagreeing with a crit, but I really have to on this one. I thought the first line of this stanza was one of the best in this piece. I didn't really get the rest of the stanza. taking it line by line, it would have made sense to me in a different context, but I'm a bit confused when you pile 'em together, but I think the use of the word "splinter" here is perfect. I wish to God I had thought of it.

[Sade]

I know I probably shouldn't be disagreeing with a crit, but I really have to on this one. I thought the first line of this stanza was one of the best in this piece. I didn't really get the rest of the stanza. taking it line by line, it would have made sense to me in a different context, but I'm a bit confused when you pile 'em together, but I think the use of the word "splinter" here is perfect. I wish to God I had thought of it.

To be quite honest, I lost myself with this stanza, too. I do know why I wrote it, though.

I've been examining my own work more and more lately.

This piece was written about entropy. The systemic degridation of all things and the affect of this on one individual. The first stanza starts of with visible things, easily noticable things that are dying. Colors, for example. Colors and images fade to paralyzed black and white static.

I also hit on the "hypnotic" being put to sleep to further showcase that it doesn't matter who you are or what you do; you still meet your end. The hypnotic simply act as a metaphor for "people in control."

The third stanza showcases the technical aspect of the degridation; how technology dies along with everything else. Human kind can do nothing to "create" and "save" everything. Simply put: it all vanishes and decays and descends into dissonance, no matter what it is. It's so vicseral, it's so discordant, so unfair. The atmosphere dies. The individual dies. Hell, even the static dies. Nothing, no matter how evil, nor how good, can escape "the end."

How dissonant.

But to be fair, that's just my interpretation of it. It could mean any number of things; such is the beauty of written word.

[Ruining]

Such is the beauty of abstract.

Well, after hearing your intentions on there, I start to get a much better idea of this work. In the first stanza, the way you say "educate the sunrise" and about making amends, I thought this was going to be the exact opposite. It seems a lot like new beginnings and fresh starts as opposed to the end.

After hearing your interp, it makes a lot more sense to me and the imagery hold up well.

coo.

[Sade]

Such is the beauty of abstract.

Well, after hearing your intentions on there, I start to get a much better idea of this work. In the first stanza, the way you say "educate the sunrise" and about making amends, I thought this was going to be the exact opposite. It seems a lot like new beginnings and fresh starts as opposed to the end.

After hearing your interp, it makes a lot more sense to me and the imagery hold up well.

coo.

Why I chose the first few lines as such:

"Educate the sunrise" As in, teach this sunrise that you do not signal new birth. You do not signal re-growth. You are simply the clock, ticking time away until the end.

"Give me time to make amends." Basically translating to: "Please, I don't want to die; I'll be good, I promise, just don't kill me."

The individual obviously is afraid of the end, and asks to be spared; while entropy ensues.

[Lowridenn]

I absolutely hate the reuse of the word "hypnotic". It is used three times. Overall, it was a decent, I wasn't too keen on motionless being used as a noun in the first stanza. The idea presented is definitely interesting, and you do an okay job at conveying the idea, but it could definitley use a little tidying up around the edges.

[TojesDolan]

Reminds me of Meshuggah. Anyway, I'm not making a full-on critique. but just commentaries on it. First of all, the use of I all over the piece, clearly with break-lines in mind isn't really working in my mind, for some reason. It doesn't seem aesthetically correct, in my humble opinion. Nice way of seeing entropy. I'm having that in my physics class at the moment, and this is a great application in life, I suppose.
"Defend my failing eyes from static’s end." is a great line. eh... what else... Yes what Lowridden pointed out is right. THe idea is great just nneds polishing here and there. Mostly getting it less together, and show the anarchic entropy nature into real life. Overall it was great.

[slack]

I don't really have a critique. It's fantastic writing, and the first line drew me in with educate the sunrise. Very nice turn of phrase. This really reminded me of Tool, which may or may not be a good thing for you. :) I love it, though.

[Sade]

Thanks for all the crits, guys; if I see any of your stuff floating around, I'll be sure to give it a go.

Feel free to link me, too. :lol: