'dripping like plastic' - crit for crit (link me)

[dead_romantic]

the parts in brackets and italics are female whispers.
please crit and enjoy..



'dripping like plastic'

chained tight to your bed, you're;
dripping like plastic.
always tasting emotions
so close that it's drastic.

sobbing reflections, they're;
obstructing your hands.
a sweet scented flower
tongues tempted to land.

chorus:
melting the light, now
(kiss me once again)
roll back the darkness
and come with me once again

scolding like children, at;
the walls and the stars.
though prettier than paper
you're just as bizarre.

fantastic in colour, it's;
a scene we've written before.
so fantastic in colour
it's a scene we've loved before.

chorus:
melting the light, now
(kiss me once again)
roll back the darkness
and come with me once again

it's a scene we've written before
(loved before)
it's a scene we've loved before
(loved before)

[Sade]

the parts in brackets and italics are female whispers.
please crit and enjoy..



'dripping like plastic'

chained tight to your bed, you're;
dripping like plastic.
always tasting emotions
so close that it's drastic.

sobbing reflections, they're;
obstructing your hands.
a sweet scented flower
tongues tempted to land.

chorus:
melting the light, now
(kiss me once again)
roll back the darkness
and come with me once again

scolding like children, at;
the walls and the stars.
though prettier than paper
you're just as bizarre.

fantastic in colour, it's;
a scene we've written before.
so fantastic in colour
it's a scene we've loved before.

chorus:
melting the light, now
(kiss me once again)
roll back the darkness
and come with me once again

it's a scene we've written before
(loved before)
it's a scene we've loved before
(loved before)

This is a very solid piece as is. However, I've you some tips to make it more artsy fartsy:

First off, I'd play with the language a bit. I'm an absolute fanatic about making pieces "look" good on paper with decent use of punctuation as verbal space. Punctuation can take up syllable space in music just as actual words can, so be sure to use it as a valuable songwriting tool.

Also, I would throw in an occasional offset metaphorical line that doesn't rhyme or flow with any of the previous lines. Something stark and profound. Try to capture the "essence" of the piece and condense it into one absurd, disconnected line. It will re-spark the flow, paradoxically, by not flowing at all. Also, it will give the reader a little more depth of thought and brain food, over-all leaving them with a more lasting impression of the work.

Not a bad piece as is, though. It's got decent flow, easy structure, relatable lyrics for the mainstream human.

Ha, and of course; the shame-less self-promotion:

http://musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=449931

Take a peak if you find time. Thanks a bunch.