"If this tongue was any sharper, you'd be bleeding all over."

[Nightvision]

Righty, first piece in gawd knows how long. It's a re-write of an old piece, and it needs a little bit of padding out length-wise, but any good critiques on what I have so far will be both appreciated and returned. (Eventually... I may take a while, but I nearly always get back to you - just ask DR! ;) :p )

"If this tongue was any sharper, you'd be bleeding all over."

JJ - 25th January 2006 (Edited 7th March 2006)

Oh, the stories these four and floorboards would tell,
but creaks and groans and sub-audible moans
fall on deaf ears tonight;
It's been far too long since I enjoyed the chill of
an empty bed.
And the fire turned to embers hours ago in the glowing red of your eyes.
Digressions aside, well... I hate your guts.

So can we wrap up this macabre dance?
Dead skin on cotton screams infidelity,
let's call it a day, we can pick this one up
by the red light of sunset or Soho, it's your call.

With the chlorine smell from the curtains spinning
the room, weak protests and weaker consciences
meet head-on tonight;
You've spent far too long trailing your tragedies with a vacant smile.
And the air turns grey through the dirt-stained windows, and I'm stone in the maze of your eyes.
Obsessions aside, well... I hate your guts.

So can we wrap up this macabre dance?
Dead skin on cotton screams infidelity,
let's call it a day, we can pick this one up
by the red light of sunset or Soho, it's your call.

Needs Finishing.


Note: For those that don't know, Soho is a fairly notorious red-light district in London. Just don't ask me how I know. :p

[dead_romantic]

very good use of imagery.
i liked the line;

'With the chlorine smell from the curtains spinning the room'

i thought that was a nice touch.
i'm impressed with what you got so far.
i got the soho line, (i live in the uk).. that was a good reference.

i enjoyed it over all..

7/10

ps. do a good deed for the day and return the favour ;)

http://musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=449918

[drumass04]

Oh, the stories these four and floorboards would tell,
but creaks and groans and sub-audible moans
fall on deaf ears tonight;
It's been far too long since I enjoyed the chill of
an empty bed.
And the fire turned to embers hours ago in the glowing red of your eyes.
Digressions aside, well... I hate your guts.

The first five lines are brilliant. The rhyme in line two is ok, not great but you get away with it. The 'fall on deaf ears' is a little cliched, but never mind. I really like the fourth/fifth lines it's a contradiction that works fantastically.

The sixth line is cool, but the seventh is, in my opinion, terrible. The last section particularly, it really doesn't fit, and is far too violent/sharp for the scene you'd set previously.

So can we wrap up this macabre dance?
Dead skin on cotton screams infidelity,
let's call it a day, we can pick this one up
by the red light of sunset or Soho, it's your call.


Not to sure on the use of 'macabre' in the first line, but the balance between meaning and language in the second is perfect. I love it! Third line isn't brilliant but sets up the last line well. The last line is awesome!! I love the Soho reference.

With the chlorine smell from the curtains spinning
the room, weak protests and weaker consciences
meet head-on tonight;
You've spent far too long trailing your tragedies with a vacant smile.
And the air turns grey through the dirt-stained windows, and I'm stone in the maze of your eyes.
Obsessions aside, well... I hate your guts.

Great imagery in the first few lines, the first two especially. Not as sure on the third, but it isn't terrible. Fourth line is nice, good use of alliteration and language. Imagery in the fifth line is excellent, I love the metaphor at the end of it. Again, the last line lets it down.

Overall a nice piece, a few little bits that are slightly cliched, and some parts that are too sharp for the piece. Other than that, very well done. Good imagery in parts, and also a good use of the devices.

Timmy P

[Lowridenn]

"I hate your guts." Nope. The rest is alright, good imagery, nice flow, but "I hate your guts?" It's so out of place in this piece, everything else sounds elegant and rolls off the tongue so nicely, but "I hate your guts..." is just so out of place. Work that first.

[deathscreamingsheep]

Oh, the stories these four and floorboards would tell,
but creaks and groans and sub-audible moans
fall on deaf ears tonight;
It's been far too long since I enjoyed the chill of
an empty bed.

Love it. Perfectemondo.
And the fire turned to embers hours ago in the glowing red of your eyes.
Digressions aside, well... I hate your guts.

The 1st line is a bit too tired and not as good as the others though I suppose they can't all be gems. I actually like the next line as I'm a fan of sudden changes from poetic imagary to that sort of language.

So can we wrap up this macabre dance?
Dead skin on cotton screams infidelity,
let's call it a day, we can pick this one up
by the red light of sunset or Soho, it's your call.

This themes been done a lot in similar ways but I like your choice of language. Especially your the last line which I actually connected with.

With the chlorine smell from the curtains spinning
the room, weak protests and weaker consciences
meet head-on tonight;
You've spent far too long trailing your tragedies with a vacant smile.
And the air turns grey through the dirt-stained windows, and I'm stone in the maze of your eyes.
Obsessions aside, well... I hate your guts.

Not a fan of the first little section up to line 3. However I really like the rest of it- again I admire your choice of language.