Blue... (crit for crit, yo.)

[Ruining]

These are intentionally cheesy and supposed to be done, (again) in the style of Pig/The Dillenger Escape Plan/Mike Patton. I've already got the tune written, I'm just needing to record it. The dude that I play with could do it, but I don't think he really has much intrest in putting so much work into an album about spousal abuse. Hmmm.... I wish. Any-dang-way -

__________________________________________________ ___

Feeling blue without you.
Knowing you won't love me too.
Blowing kisses that leave into the night.
Ammunition to bloody up this fight.
I know they'll reach you and paralyze.
Then I love

It's not as if I can see your face.
No longer believe in the human race.
Simplistic love gives birth to complexities
And I can no longer live with me.

I'm not the man you believe me to be.
Not the one to bring God's wrath to thee.
I allowed you to run and you went.
Blinded by love, so I'll hunt by the scent,
You will be mine.

I don't know what I'm doing.
I just know I can't do it alone.
Was it something I said on the telephone?
"Don't you ever leave me, you won't believe
Who I am!"

Dr. Love-you-to-pieces, Mr. Crush-you-to-bits
Who I am!

[insanepunkguy]

Feeling blue without you.
Knowing you won't love me too.
Blowing kisses that leave into the night.
Ammunition to bloody up this fight.nice four lines, a tad cliched i guess, but there not bad at all
I know they'll reach you and paralyze.
Then I loveit kinda makes sense to me but it could be worded better

It's not as if I can see your face.
No longer believe in the human race.nice it rhymes without seeming too intentional
Simplistic love gives birth to complexitiesvery nice idea and imagery, but i cant see the flow
And I can no longer live with me.i should be saying here that this line is worded wrongly, but i think that makes it good, i dont know how to explain it but it works well

I'm not the man you believe me to be.
Not the one to bring God's wrath to thee.love the use of thee, old fashioned word, used in the bible
I allowed you to run and you went.
Blinded by love, so I'll hunt by the scent,best line of the song without a doubt, awesome, taking a simple idea and transforming into something gr8, love it when people do that
You will be mine.strong, simple but once again it works

I don't know what I'm doing.
I just know I can't do it alone.
Was it something I said on the telephone?
"Don't you ever leave me, you won't believe
Who I am!"nice idea, couldve been pulled off better i think, but its not bad nonetheless

Dr. Love-you-to-pieces, Mr. Crush-you-to-bits i like it but its not the best use of this little thing ive ever seen
Who I am!

Overall its good, it could use abit of some work in areas, but there are some brillient ideas in there. I dont particualrly get turned on by the style, but i resepct the fact that its a good style
as it is: 8/10

would u mind criting mine, "give me one more point of view..."

[Ruining]

Feeling blue without you.
Knowing you won't love me too.
Blowing kisses that leave into the night.
Ammunition to bloody up this fight.nice four lines, a tad cliched i guess, but there not bad at all

The first two lines are supposed to be cliche, but then kind of hit you harder with the last two.
I know they'll reach you and paralyze.
Then I loveit kinda makes sense to me but it could be worded better

This is going to be whispered under strings. Any example on how to improve this? I'm game.

It's not as if I can see your face.
No longer believe in the human race.nice it rhymes without seeming too intentional Thanks!
Simplistic love gives birth to complexitiesvery nice idea and imagery, but i cant see the flow I've kind of been troubled with this as well... i'll see what I can do.
And I can no longer live with me.i should be saying here that this line is worded wrongly, but i think that makes it good, i dont know how to explain it but it works well


I don't know what I'm doing.
I just know I can't do it alone.
Was it something I said on the telephone?
"Don't you ever leave me, you won't believe
Who I am!"nice idea, couldve been pulled off better i think, but its not bad nonetheless

Overall its good, it could use abit of some work in areas, but there are some brillient ideas in there. I dont particualrly get turned on by the style, but i resepct the fact that its a good style

Thanks a lot for the ideas. I'll consider them when coming up with a revision!

[Sade]

Feeling blue without you.
Knowing you won't love me too.
Blowing kisses that leave into the night.
Ammunition to bloody up this fight.
I know they'll reach you and paralyze.
Then I love

Alright, interesting first stanza. Very interesting. It's got a strange, quirky, dark whimsical feel to it, and here's what I think you should to to spice it up a little bit:

Change around some wording to a more surreal state. Alter the way it's read, so that readers/listeners may know what you're trying to convey lyrically, but also get that sense of dark "disconnection" which I think is prominant. This is what I mean:

Ammunition: kisses;
Bloody up this fight.
Ones that leave us for the night.

The way it's structured, you get the same feel without all the elementary sentence form, etc etc. It's just an example, play around with the language a bit, it'll add alot to the stanza.

I really like this so far, by the way. Much my style.

It's not as if I can see your face.
No longer believe in the human race.
Simplistic love gives birth to complexities
And I can no longer live with me.

Again, same suggestion. You've got a great flow and ryhme scheme, but I would suggest dividing up that space with grammar and punctuation as well as syllables. Semicolons, commas, line breaks, etc. You get the point.

Simplistic love gives birth to complexities
And I can no longer live with me.

****ing love that line.


I'm not the man you believe me to be.
Not the one to bring God's wrath to thee.
I allowed you to run and you went.
Blinded by love, so I'll hunt by the scent,
You will be mine.

Here you did a great job with what I was mentioning before. Not much to change. Great stanza, by the way.

I don't know what I'm doing.
I just know I can't do it alone.
Was it something I said on the telephone?
"Don't you ever leave me, you won't believe
Who I am!"

Dr. Love-you-to-pieces, Mr. Crush-you-to-bits
Who I am!

The way the "Who I am!" line works into these last sections is a great finish for this whimsical, sort of intentionally cheesey and introspective piece. I wouldn't change much here.

Overall, not bad at all! It's actually pretty refreshing, I must admit. I'll look forward to seeing more from you. This piece has very much so brightened my lyrical day with it's quirky introspect.

[Sade]

^And if you wouldn't mind taking a peek at: http://musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=449931

Thanks. :thumb:

[Ruining]

Thanks a TON, Sade... That was some kick-*** info. I'm now inspired to get the headphones on and start cranking this one back out. Great ideas, and yeah... no problem returning the favor.