No title.

[artificialhigh]

I crit a lot, but never post anything, which, in a way, I don't think is fair. Here's a broken flow I've been struggling to save. Crit away.
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A flight of stairs grounds my heart again
It’s just a shame to cut you down in such a beautiful dress
Found all of your hiding places
Given away by the contrails from your fingertips

Leading to a riddle, hidden in a riddle
Waiting in a box under your bed
Full of memories a fire could never have burned out of your head

Seven years spitting alibis
Identifying with words that I’m mishearing.
Poking holes in the insulation under your tongue
A mistake I’m repaid by haunting thoughts

What’s the half-life of a lie?

[Ruining]

Some nice imagery, but I'm not really clear on what you're saying. I'm a bit of a dolt that way. You'll have to excuse that.

At first I thought that this was about you finding someone that had been killed and chopped up and the body hidden and scattered. Then it looks like you killed them and are "repaid by haunting thoughts".

Assuming that, here we go.

I crit a lot, but never post anything, which, in a way, I don't think is fair. Here's a broken flow I've been struggling to save. Crit away.
_____________________________________


1A flight of stairs grounds my heart again
2It’s just a shame to cut you down in such a beautiful dess
3Found all of your hiding places
4Given away by the contrails from your fingertips

5Leading to a riddle, hidden in a riddle
6Waiting in a box under your bed
7Full of memories a fire could never have burned out of your head

8Seven years spitting alibis
9Identifying with words that I’m mishearing.
10Poking holes in the insulation under your tongue
11A mistake I’m repaid by haunting thoughts

12What’s the half-life of a lie?


1. The flight of stairs is a nice scene, but how can it ground your heart? I'm not usually ripping people for being abstract, but this has great possibilities, so I'm really wanting to understand.

2. I like this line too, but it gets kind of wordy. I'm wondering if there is a way to trim it down, like "and to cut you down in such a beautiful dress" might make more sense from a lyrical standpoint, though it may not say what you want it to say. Just a thought.

3/4. Cool idea. What are the contrails? A trail of blood or another evidence or is this person alive and leaving streaks with fingers?

5/6. Really cool feeling groove on these lines, like something you would expect to be whispered in a Perfect Circle song or something. Nice.

7. Is a bit abstract, but it seems to work because of the cool flow you've started with 5/6.

8-11. I'm not really getting this whole stanza. It seems to be the only part that really doesn't seem to flow that well. It's hard to make it work when you start out with words like "identifying".

If you could explain a little, what the stanza means I may be able to help out a little more

8. You've been giving alibis for 7 years?
9. but you're identifying with words that you aren't hearing correctly? I thought you were spitting the alibis.
10. what is the insulation under who's tongue?
11. did you "cut her down in such a beautiful dress"? If so, this makes sense.

12. Good finish.


Keep in mind that none of this is supposed to be ironic or sarcastic, but actual questions because I'm not getting it, but I want to. It's good enough to save. The only real part with a problem flowing are in a couple lines. It really shouldn't be that hard to get rid of some of the abstractions and make it solid. My first crit... hope I didn't kill it.

[artificialhigh]

The biggest problem for me was to give perspective while keeping the flow of the song. That's what I've been struggling with - keeping the melody I like, while trying to give perspective using sentence fragments.

I like your interpretation of it a lot, actually - it's a lot darker and cooler than the real inspiration. In the end, the idea of writing this song is from the viewpoint of being in a point of time between knowing something terrible about someone you love, and confronting them about it.

1) The flight of stairs "grounds" my heart as a play on the word "flight," but also, from the sick feeling of approaching a once-hallowed place in a different light. The stairs could, say, be her front steps.

2) I agree. This is the line I've had the most trouble with - it's mostly to fit a melody, but I'm glad to see that I'm not crazy.
Edit: Just to explain, the image I got when writing the line was to look at the person, realize how much you may still love them, but almost regretfully attack them (verbally). I just through this was the sharpest way to say it.


3/4) These are the first lines that popped into my head and gave me the idea - it's generally from the idea of putting somebody on a pedestal, or "flying high," - or, as a twin of that same idea, but from the other person's point of view, that person is somewhat full of themselves from your "lower" point of view - they're "above everything".

5/6) Thank you very much. The original line was "There's a riddle, hidden in a riddle, hidden in a box under your bed" - I didn't know whether or not there were too many riddle/hidden instances, and although the melody supports it and I like it, I was self conscious.

7) The "box under your bed" is, quite literally, a container that an ex-girlfriend of mine kept under her bed of memories from past relationships. The "riddle" is, in a way, if you have something good now, why do you have to remember the past? This line specifically is more straightforward, and a bit of a forced rhyme - but mainly deals with the fact that for the important things, you don't really need pictures and gifts to remember them.. you can't escape them. If this song were a galaxy, I suppose, this idea would be the black hole.

8-11) This is probably the biggest mess of the entire song. The general idea is - that person has lied, or glossed over the past, for as long as you've known them, but you take their word as the truth. It's not readily apparently from line 9, since I'm not really "mishearing" them - what they've said was intentional - but even though there's a hint of doubt in what they say, you take it to heart anyway.

The "insulation" line is a metaphor for the other person - the "insulation under their tongue" is what keeps the lies from being told. When I "poke holes" in it by questioning them and confronting them with the truth, that affirmation by the other person forces the situation to sink in to the main character. I should have said "a mistake repaid with haunting thoughts."

Taking what you've said to heart, I definitely have a good starting point to rework it, and make it a clearer front-to-back story.

[Ruining]

Cool. Now that I know what's up I can have another go at it. I'm really happy to see that you had a specific idea for each line that didn't make a whole lot of sense to me. That makes it so much more worth while to crit than someone that just say, "I don't know... I just thought it sounded cool."

I'm going to take another look at it and see if I have any other input, if you don't mind. Also, please post up the revision once you get it closer to where you want it, so I can see it. I like the idea and would really like to see how it comes out.

thanks.