"Midnight Serenade" Crit for Crit

[Zjanarhi]

This is a very recent song. Please critique constructively, no insults, hate mail, bomb threats, or anthrax in my morning tea... Thank you.


Midnight Serenade

Serenade,
Outside my car window,
Strange, A dark violet light,
Blankets the morning snow

Driving, Cruising,
An Ice cold siren’s voice,
Why such wonder I stir,
Wasn’t ever my choice

Haunting, chilling,
Wind howls curdle my blood,
But it’s a loving scare,
Made me reach out to feel the ether,
And the curious traveler inside leaves like a spirit,
To survey the midnight sky

Fly far, farther,
‘Til you reach the Heaven’s base,
Smile down on Earth,
Admire the half-world shadow,

Humbly, Wake up,
Back inside this warm vessel,
The wind chill intrudes still,
Let the ice sold siren in,
She fell pray to me, instead,
My serenade in her head

[Zjanarhi]

Things that go BUMP!

[real_low_mind]

the idea is good but i can't hear it with music. i especially like "Fly far, farther,
‘Til you reach the Heaven’s base" but it does need work.

..would you critique my song (http://musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=450913) for me?

laura

[insanepunkguy]

the idea is good but i can't hear it with music. i especially like "Fly far, farther,
‘Til you reach the Heaven’s base" but it does need work.

..would you critique my song (http://musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=450913) for me?

laura

lol thas hardly a crit

[deathscreamingsheep]

Serenade,
Outside my car window,
Strange, A dark violet light,
Blankets the morning snow

It's a nice image in the first two lines though I think blankets and snow are used together too often. Plus, I usually prefer openings to have some defined focus where as this does not.

Driving, Cruising,
An Ice cold siren’s voice,
Why such wonder I stir,
Wasn’t ever my choice

I liked the first two lines but I don't think the fourth really makes any sense and seems to be added to just make the rhyme. The wording threw me in general.

Haunting, chilling,
Wind howls curdle my blood,
But it’s a loving scare,
Made me reach out to feel the ether,
And the curious traveler inside leaves like a spirit,
To survey the midnight sky

I liked from "But it's a loving scare... to leaves like spirit"- general good images again. You seem to have gone for a little too much textbook image and poetic device though which means the song lacks the querkiness that I really pick up on and makes me want to read on.

Fly far, farther,
‘Til you reach the Heaven’s base,
Smile down on Earth,
Admire the half-world shadow,

Better.

Humbly, Wake up,
Back inside this warm vessel,
The wind chill intrudes still,
Let the ice sold siren in,
She fell pray to me, instead,
My serenade in her head

A nice conclusion.

Some good ideas but I feel that sometimes you lose focus in your writing and maybe some revision could clear up this song.

[real_low_mind]

lol thas hardly a crit
i'm not good at it. i try.

[DeadReligion]

Serenade,
Outside my car window,
Strange, A dark violet light,
Blankets the morning snow
^ I'm not diggin' the structure here, short lines, few lines per stanza. Merely personal preference. The problem with such short stanzas is, you can't say much. The imagery here is very....well, it evokes something of a picture, but it isn't vivid or creative, no clever word usages either.

Driving, Cruising,
An Ice cold siren’s voice,
Why such wonder I stir,
Wasn’t ever my choice
^ "Driving, Cruising" Bitch please. Lol. But seriously, that isn't creative, also, improper use of capitalization. The second line is by far the best line as of yet. The third line is incoherent, rephrase it.

Haunting, chilling,
Wind howls curdle my blood,
But it’s a loving scare,
Made me reach out to feel the ether,
And the curious traveler inside leaves like a spirit,
To survey the midnight sky
^ Apart from the first line, this is a big improvement. The third line...if you took out but, it'd be better, If you replaced "but it's" with just, that sound even better. The fourth and fifth are great lines, the best so far.

Fly far, farther,
‘Til you reach the Heaven’s base,
Smile down on Earth,
Admire the half-world shadow,
^ The first line is good *sigh* if only it were original. I didn't like anything here, bar the last line, of course. Also, Heaven is ALLEGEDLY in the clouds, you can't observe Earth from the clouds, only from space can you see the entire Earth.

Humbly, Wake up,
Back inside this warm vessel,
The wind chill intrudes still,
Let the ice sold siren in,
She fell pray to me, instead,
My serenade in her head
^ Hmm, okay, not great though. Lacking in description.

6.5/10. I'll be posting "The Female Blade and The Heart Artistry" later. I'm sure you understand the implications I'm making? Good.