Name me one other point of view and the dictionary doesn’t count

[insanepunkguy]

yeh sorry my last one was abit ****, i don't do lovey dovey very well
anyways, here is my latest piece and i hope you find it better, mr.weird titles is gunna try and impress you now with a new concept. its based on dialogue, as if the whole thing could be said to someone jsut as spontaneous talk
hope u like, crits pls (and yes the last line is part of the song)

Name me one other point of view and the dictionary doesn’t count

Go on, I’d really like to see you try
Define the word “friend” for me
And see what you come up with
Because I know It ‘aint what I think

Damn right, you should’ve said earlier
My real question is why you didn’t
We laugh and we smile, but tomorrow
It won’t happen; I’ll be into the next girl

And that’s just me, that’s my nature
Who cares if you don’t like it?
You’re not my problem anymore
As if you ever were going to be

Damn right, you should’ve said earlier
My real question is why you didn’t
We laugh and we smile, but tomorrow
It won’t happen; I’ll be into the next girl

Were the x’s not a sign
Or are you just seriously dumb
If so be the case, then all I can say
Is thank the goddam lord

Damn right, you should’ve said earlier
My real question is why you didn’t
We laugh and we smile, but tomorrow
It won’t happen; I’ll be into the next girl

Repeatedly conclusive lines, going on and on, no stopping, no resting, it’s me all over; this song is me all over…

[StandardStringReject]

Were the x’s not a sign
Or are you just seriously dumb
If so be the case, then all I can say
Is thank the goddam lord

I like that part alot, i don't know why. it's just catchy and cool. the part you kept repeating is a good part to repeat, its good for emphasis. ...man i suck at this. well the song was cool. good job.

[insanepunkguy]

after 36 views at least one proper crit wudve been nice

[Ruining]

36, is that IT?!?

Here goes.

yeh sorry my last one was abit ****, i don't do lovey dovey very well
anyways, here is my latest piece and i hope you find it better, mr.weird titles is gunna try and impress you now with a new concept. its based on dialogue, as if the whole thing could be said to someone jsut as spontaneous talk
hope u like, crits pls (and yes the last line is part of the song)

Name me one other point of view and the dictionary doesn’t count

Go on, I’d really like to see you try
Define the word “friend” for me
And see what you come up with
Because I know It ‘aint what I think (I like this stanza. Even though they are written as a conversation/lyric, this flows well.)

Damn right, you should’ve said earlier
My real question is why you didn’t
We laugh and we smile, but tomorrow
It won’t happen; I’ll be into the next girl (this is where it starts to get frustrating. Only because it flows so well, I would like it to rhyme. I know what you're going for and that it doesn't need to, but it would sit so much better, imho)

And that’s just me, that’s my nature
Who cares if you don’t like it?
You’re not my problem anymore(I really like this line. It hits pretty damn hard.)
As if you ever were going to be

Damn right, you should’ve said earlier
My real question is why you didn’t
We laugh and we smile, but tomorrow
It won’t happen; I’ll be into the next girl(see above. I just wanted to feel like I was doing more work by commenting.)

Were the x’s not a sign
Or are you just seriously dumb (how well does "seriously" fit into the song? Not sure how well it comes off here.)
If so be the case, then all I can say
Is thank the goddam lord (StandardStringReject thinks it's catchy and cool. it's because you've sold your soul.) j/k

Damn right, you should’ve said earlier
My real question is why you didn’t
We laugh and we smile, but tomorrow
It won’t happen; I’ll be into the next girl (See above. MAN, this part is easy to crit)

Repeatedly conclusive lines, going on and on, no stopping, no resting, it’s me all over; this song is me all over…(I don't get this part. If it fits well into the song, keep it. I wouldn't unless you have a really good, gimmiky idea for it. :)


What would actually impress me is if this was written in ryme. If the rhyme was tight and effortless enough to make you forget that it was rhyming. That's what makes this style truly impressive. As it sits, it's a bunch of stiking sentences that would be effective when used in a conversation, but in a song... I don't know. It seems to hold together well, and I wouldn't mind using some of the ideas. I really like the idea, but if you were looking at this from a poetic standpoint, I'm not sure it would be as effective as you're wanting it to be. It just turns out to be kind of a rant.

Thanks for the read.

[insanepunkguy]

lol, thanx 4 that man, and the last lines are just supposed to be spoken