This Is Goodbye

[XDivineFireX]

tired eyes, beyond belief
the soreness burns without relief.
everytime i see your eyes
i watch your soul hurt inside.

nothing more that i can do
but watch the struggle you go through.
as you dream, i'll stay awake,
i can't live in your world, so fake.
so hard for it to be this way
just close your eyes, it'll go away.

i've known you long enough to see
what you say when you look at me.
your lips quiver as you say goodbye
turn around, let the tear fall from your eye.

you'll faulter, you'll crash,
you'll trip, and you'll fall,
but no one will see
because of this wall
that you've built all around you
that scales so high.
good luck, i'll miss you
this is goodbye.

please give me your suggestions! :thumb:

[StandardStringReject]

that was awesome. theres nothing bad i can say about it. its got good flow, and it doesnt sound fake to me. it sounds like it'd fit great to music. maybe you should try to work on the length though, it'd be a pretty short song.
all in all-good job.

[PunkyMcEmo]

Don't listen to that kid, at all. If you're gunna get good, if you have to realize what sucks and what doesn't.
For one, it wouldn't be a short song. It's all how you sing it. Radiohead's "Everything in it's right place" is like, three lines, and it's four minutes long, and genius. If you're done writing, yet the songs not to your liking lengthwise, forcing will usually just yield a crappy stanza that sounds like it's filler.
Secondly, the entire basis of your song is cliche and tired. Read poetry, try to come up with original ideas. Listen to giood lyricists and emulate them, or even take another spin on the same topic. Example: Say Yes by Elliott Smith. Probably the oldest idea ever, finding a girl who makes you happy. It's been done too many times to count, yet Elliott Smith manages to use repetition, catchy, intelligent lines and flow to make it sound original.
Third. Every word in that is someone else's lines. Listen to more music, read poetry, and books, and this'll remedy itself. You can't write original stuff unless you start thinking original thoughts, and you can't think original thoughts listening to the same three CDs and watching MTV. Your brain needs stuff to jump start it.
You've got good rhyme and flow, but it's a little overdone. ABAB with the same iambic meter makes it sound too sing songy. Again, read more, and if you're serious about songwriting, read poetry. William Blake is a master of the lyric poetry. Study his stuff.

I don't mean to tear your **** apart, but I'm not going to lie to you and tell you you're a genius if your stuff sucks. If you wanna play major league baseball, and people tell you you're amazing in little league and don't need to work on anything, do you think you'll ever play in the Majors? I wish you luck, and hope you blossom into a beautiful song-writer of magic someday.