"Deft" please crit for crit.

[atrusmyt]

Heres a song i wrote a while ago. We recorded it with our crummy basement setup, you can find the file here, if you want to hear how the lyrics sound in the song.

http://www.wearepi.com/stuff/defty(mixing).mp3

"Deft"

blue skies green light
no exit for you fear your life
take a deft turn in succession with a right
the posies are pushing as the ground dries up
the dragons are snapping as the sun gives out

theres an awful lot of racket when she gets off the plane
watch out
your straw's a cigarrete and she just lit it up
yeah there's hail on the runway when she takes off in her plane
and shes leaving me in style
yeah her tears are on the window and she tries to wipe them off
but her hands are in denial

false regret its the cherry on the top
try to feel sorry for your own sake
its all conjecture in the end... maybe.

its like a car crash in the morning light the engine of fire
and make an offer to the sun
make sure you make a
plea to the rays that are bouncing off your face that they dont let you die alone
cuz there's an awful lot of places in the world I'd like to be
and right now none of them are home

turn your head to the west and you'll find the girl in red
and she'll tell you she respects... your strength.
well if I wanted pity i would buy myself a card
it wouldnt get me very far
oh but it tastes so sweet from her.

they say denial leads to growth
a claim that we have just disproved
and im sittin in the backroom
im like the plant in the corner where the sunlight doesnt shine
i will grow in time...
all i need is time...
just give me time...
I'll make a deft move to the right of the city
oh red you would be so proud of me...
oh red...
you would be so proud of me...

[jb6oclock]

sounds pretty good I don't know if you are the one singing or not, I don't want to offend you if you are but there wasn't really any intensity in the vocals it sounded rather monitone, but definately has great potential. As far as the lyrics go I found them to be quite interesting, abstract even, I give the lyrics an 8/10 KEEP IT UP!

[Ruining]

Uh... some nice imagery, but it's way too abstract to really make any sense of the story, which works with the song, (oddly enough). The lyrics sound fine if you don't really care if no one know what the hell you're talking about.

I was trying to imagine how you would make them work with a rythm before I listened, but you managed to cram them all in. Not my style of music, but your lyrics are working fine here. Sorry I'm not too much help.

I guess if I had to give some advice, it would be that these are too abstract to make sense and the lyrics feel as though they are being forced into a rhythm that doesn't support the flow of the song. It may be a little too wordy. Nice imagery, though... keep it up!