Help me yo. Crit for Crit

[Littlejohn]

I've been messing around with this for a couple of days, I still have a long way to go with it so I'll be updating it a lot on here, but help me out if you can.

I met a man down on his luck
Out of work and out of home
I bought him a warm meal
He asked if I ever felt alone
I did not know how to reply
I just stared at the floor
Until reluctantly I said always
As we both walked out the door
He thanked me for my kindness and company
I said, “Kind sir you don’t realize how much
You have helped me.”
So I learned that day not to get lost in proprieties
Because this man that has so little, has so much more than me

I didn’t want to forget this
So I took a snapshot for myself
Framed it in irony
And hung it on my wall
So when I wake up
It’s there to greet me
Like a snow-capped mountain
That I misplaced in the fog
So I never again took anything for granted in life
Because I saw a whole new world
Through someone else’s eyes

While society was busy pointing guns and shaking their fists
I realized, the point in life, is to be content to just exist
Because nothing that I say or do could ever amount to this:
“Don’t let yourself die, realizing that you’ve never lived”
“Don’t let yourself die, realizing that you’ve never lived”

[jb6oclock]

I don't see this flowing very well in song format it's a decent story but you're right it needs alot of work, Even though you typed it in somewhat of a song format it still didn't work for me. I can't really pick out particular parts to give you critisizm on because it just reads like a short story to me. I like the message and think you should definately stick with the storyline just needs to be fit into time with music. 6/10

[Littlejohn]

it fits great with music

[StandardStringReject]

i kinda agree with jb6oclock... it sounds like a short story. its gotta good message tho. it just doesn't seem like it'd fit with music, what genre of music is it? i do see the flow though, im just not used to songs with that little ryhme, it throws me off a bit. sounds like it needs a good chorus, something that'll sum up ur message that u can repeat throughout the song... but keep goin with it, its prettyful.

[PunkyMcEmo]

Uh. This will flow pretty well actually. The message is decent, but blurry. You've got some good ideas, but they seem underdeveloped.
Example:
He asked if I ever felt alone
I did not know how to reply
I just stared at the floor
Until reluctantly I said always
^ Very vague and oddly worded. People don't say 'I did not' It's usually just 'I didn't.' Also, try and use more concrete detail. You know when your english teacher just says 'Show not tell', for essays? Okay, well essays are english like songs are english, like poems and stories and theater is english. I wanna feel where you are, and I don't feel it in that little bit.

Places where you show and don't tell:
It’s there to greet me
Like a snow-capped mountain
That I misplaced in the fog
So I never again took anything for granted in life
^ I like this a lot, except the last line has that awkwardness. The metaphor is good, and even the more subtle 'it's there to greet me' is a little cliche, but it's still good personification.

Overall, good, but it's been done before. It reminds me a lot of 'A Bowl of Oranges' by Bright Eyes. Try to avoid generalities, and work on your diction.

[Littlejohn]

thanks man. It orinally sounded WAY too much like Bowl of Oranges so I changed the guitar part to something less folky. The awkward parts are still really rough, I agree, but I just wanted to get down an idea before I lose it. Thanks again.

[PunkyMcEmo]

No prob, bud.

[FA]

this song sounds eerily like bits of Bright Eyes songs that you've turned into something of your own.

[Littlejohn]

two bright eyes allusions:

1) "Pointing guns" - direct quote of a single phrase. Its okay. I don't think he was the first person to say it.

2) well... I guess the idea of learning something from anothers point of view, like in bowl of oranges. Not really an allusion, just a very broad idea.

Okay there. So stop calling me an Oberst-imposter.