Challenge 103 - "Stem" Voting

[DFelon204409]

Go!!!

[deathscreamingsheep]

Sketchyjoe-3rd A nice poem/song though too dragged out and it doesn't engage my interest as much.
silenceevolves- 9th Short and sweet though didn't grab me as much as the rest.
Bigbadbob- 8th Overall a good poem but some of the lines I don't feel really fit.
jurialmunkey- 7th Good again but it didn't seem all that focussed.
Tainted Soul-10th Didn't like the theme to be honest.
RunAmokRampant-5th Good imagary but quite choppy.
deathscreamingsheep- moi
ATC-6th Alright but somehow it didn't seem like much thought went into the writing.
Lowridenn- 2nd Absolutely great, poetic and with some exeptional lines.
DFelon- 1st Kept me going right up the end without getting bored. Also some originality too.
Disco Donkey-4th A few dodgy lines that felt too much like filler but otherwise very good.

[Lowridenn]

Yep.

6 Sketchyjoe - A bit drawn out, but decent content.
3 silenceevolves - Hit me funny, I really have no good reasons for liking this so much.
1 Bigbadbob - The images and the tone of this piece was enough to win me over.
4 jurialmunkey - How I've missed you.
10 Tainted Soul - Didn't really like the format, didn't care for what was said, and the rhyming was difficult to get passed.
7 RunAmokRampant - It was okay, bit seemed to lack substance.
9 deathscreamingsheep - Wasn't awful, but wasn't better than much of the other entries this time 'round.
8 ATC - A little too plain for me. Decent, but too minimalist for me.
X Lowridenn
2 DFelon - Has a lot of personality to it, which kept me reading and anticipating throughout.
5 Disco Donkey - I like your style.

[RunAmokRampant]

Sketchyjoe - I like this more than your other most recent attempts. You have some great imagery and some killer lines but the point your trying to make is beyond breaking point. When I read your work, I feel that I can understand what your're trying to say in one stanza but when I continue to read, I lose track. Maybe you need to try a different approach - perhaps shorter length and some trimming down of excess content. 9

silenceevolves - The last line in the first verse sounds a little stale with the "around a" and "and a" part. Might want to modify that to help with flow. Rest of the peom is simple and nice with the two opposing questions. 7

Bigbadbob - I really liked this especially some of your lines "peel the days like fruit" for example is truly original. Overall an awesome read. 3

jurialmunkey - a little too embellished for my taste but what you have going is well written nonetheless. 5

Tainted Soul - a title would help round off the theme you have going. I'm not too eager of this as some parts I found a little odd but you have a decent descriptive ability. 10

deathscreamingsheep - I actually found the quite good. Some nice imagery "coming onslaught of the day", is rather effective. Not too shabby at all. 8

ATC - Very poetic. Almost idyllic. 2

Lowridenn - Very tight in nearly every aspect. It's poetic, engaging, I really liked this one. 1

DFelon - Although this one is long, I kept on reading right to the end without pausing or becoming bored. That is a good sign. 4

Disco Donkey - Some well written composition. But content wise, just falls a bit short of the pieces I've ranked higher than you. 6

[DFelon204409]

Sketchyjoe - 5.2 - For being a song that depends on a unique style, it's way too long. You have this voice that really cloys about halfway through because of its presumptuous political "savviness." You make no real commentary on anything important because you get washed up in your imagery and phrasing, which is what really saved this poem from being unreadable.
8th

silenceevolves - 2.0 - This poem is empty to me. It's just a philosophical debate obnoxiously rendered in lyric form. It reads like you felt like you had a "neat" idea and instead of just sharing it with your younger brother you had to write a poem about it and it just wasn't enough to make something beyond the initial thought.
10th

Bigbadbob - 7.5 - Dear jesus I love the verb and adjective choices. You really have a delicacy with your wording. I get lost in the philosophy of it all but I really like it despite not having a disinclination towards the genre (?) it's in. I like a lot of the commentary too. Your solid imagery allows the meaning to assert itself beautifully instead of just asserting itself for its own sake, which is too much what sketchyjoe and silence evolves did.
1st

jurialmunkey - 6.8 - Sharp inhale.............okay. You, for me, were always succesful in your imagery. This piece has successful imagery. You were always successful in your saturation of imagery. This piece has supersaturated imagery. However in your other pieces, even if they got a little violent in the presentation of your imagery, your poems always read midtempo. I loved how every line could be said aloud and it'd resonate in the room I was in and sit wonderfully on my tongue and in my ears. However here, your frantic pacing provides a paining hurry to otherwise tight imagery. I wish you wouldn't let CTTS rub off on your pacing so much. You could let that influence affect your imagery and the way you connect ideas but I feel everything is getting lost in the fact that these lyrics were meant to be screamed over a 2:55 "Crowquill" instead of pondered over and hummed throughout a 9 minute epic.
3rd

Tainted Soul - 3.5 - Did you really just pun "mourning?" You're not Matt Skiba so stop trying to be morbid and psycho for the sake of it. The language is trite.
9th

RunAmokRampant - 7.2 - Beastly. I got pissed off at the moments when you tried to be clever ("excuse the pun" "gastank half empty of half full") but on a whole you moved interestingly through a cool magical idea of evolution, which was tight.
2nd

deathscreamingsheep - 6.5 - There's nothing wrong about it but there also isn't anything that really clings on to me. Too opaque. I wish there were more concrete moments other than the woefully cliché message in a bottle.
4th

ATC - 6.2 - Tender at moments but nothing special.
6th

Lowridenn - 5.4 - I really wish people would lay off the Icarus allusions. The last two bands to not piss me off with it were Hopesfall and Thrice. I sense it comes up in writing too much. On a positive note I did like the originality of using Chris Columbus. Who the hell does that?
7th

DFelon - no

Disco Donkey - 6.3 - Okay, so you're smart enough to tie together a lot of cool images and phrase them interestingly. But if you're so smart, why would you write about such a dumb subject? Drugs. Blahhhhhhhh. I respect that you take a different perspective in the last stanza but the whole perspective of a user is all boring and done before.
5th

[silenceevolves]

Sketchyjoe
silenceevolves
Bigbadbob
jurialmunkey
Tainted Soul
RunAmokRampant
deathscreamingsheep
ATC
Lowridenn
DFelon
Disco Donkey

[sketchyjoe]

Sketchyjoe
silenceevolves - Good piece. A little on the short side but I enjoyed what was there. 3rd
Bigbadbob - Some very nice lines but also a few clunky ones. Nevertheless, it was pretty good and established a definite tone well. 5th
jurialmunkey - This is filled with great lines and you real pile on the imagery which I really like. However, it does list towards excess verbosity at points and the end of the verses were slightly too cheesy for me. 2nd
Tainted Soul - Patchy but picks up towards the end. 7th
RunAmokRampant - A bit too disjointed for me though the imagery was generally pretty tight. 6th
deathscreamingsheep - It's a cohesive piece but it just feels stale to me. 10th
ATC - It's good but it just seems incomplete. 8th
Lowridenn - Technically well constructed but the overall tone is a little too sterile. 9th
DFelon - Very well done. It balances personal minutae with big themes, something that's hard to do. Excellent. 1st
Disco Donkey - It had a strong start and a strong finish but the rest left something to be desired. It was a beginning, a muddle and an end. 4th

[Bigbadbob]

6/10 sketchyjoe; I think I've read this before. I really fail to see the point. Seems very "current events" driven but too non sequitur in presentation for my tastes. 10th

7/10 silenceevolves; I like these simple ponderings. Somehow I think the final stanza should've been crafted for more impact and I dont like "the masses". The focus is to immediate and singular to bring the masses into it. 5th

BBB decisions decisions Resignedly vs resigned & existence vs our existence

6/10 jurialmunkey; You have the strangest relationships. If nothing else this accentuates my ADD...but I'll keep trying7th

7/10 Tainted Soul; I'm not so eager to dismiss this one. There are some nice lines... original.... introspective. Maybe a title would give it a theme cuz I'm not sure how the beginning relates to the ending.3rd

6/10 RunAmokRampant; This was a bit odd. Felt more like a narration to a documentary. 9th

6/10 deathscreamingsheep; I think it's the 3rd stanza that loses me here. The scene/mood is set and I'm ready something to idendify with, something to make me care....something at all. But it just doesnt happen. 8th

7/10 ATC; I would like to see more. Not because its lacking...just because I like it.2nd

7/10 Lowridenn; "And yet they seem to shut every time I get close enough to taste them" can we make this line a little more poetic? Seems to upset the flow. I think there's a certain amount of poingancy you're striving for but failed to achieve. But its an ambitous piece none the less. 4th

7/10 DFelon; I like parts of this, I think because I've come to the same conclusions. The personal childhood passages are... I dont know....a bit to specific (Did you have to say Paul sucks?) and in diary format. 6th

7.5/10 D-Man; Why you're nothing but a crack head!?! A disco druggy. Guess I expected something more earthy from Iowa. You really bring vivid images to life with this one. Kinda makes me wish you'd look under a skirt 1st

[jurialmunkey]

#7 Sketchyjoe (***) - it's all a bit too much like a riot squad or a protest rally. It sounds too much like your trying to make a statement that has already been heard a million times before.

#10 Silenceevolves (**) - As full of comment as this is... its lacking substance..

#2 Bigbadbob (**** 1/8) - I really enjoyed this. A Brilliant example of your work and what I love about it.

jurialmunkey (ME)

#9 Tainted Soul (**1/2) - Ooooo.... You made a comparison between morning/mouring.... boring.

#5 RunAmokRampant (***3/4) - A bit too cliche-filled and analogy driven... thats what stops this from going further yet makes the piece work. Also what stops it from getting a higher ranking. No space for improvement really... I like the ending line.

#8 deathscreamingsheep (**3/4) - "A Message in a bottle..." Come on now... some interesting ideas but the theme was a little tired.

#6 ATC (***1/4) - Pretty... I liked it. Not awesome or awe-inspiring but very pretty none-the-less.

#1 Lowridenn (****1/4) - Mmmmm....

#4 DFelon (***7/8) - I'm not sure if I like the form or not yet.... some of it is a bit too dialogue-like for me.

#3 Disco Donkey (****) - Was tempted to score higher but the last bit was a little too blunt for me.

[Tainted_Soul]

Sketchyjoe- very hippie vibe, protests and all that. However, there were a lot of really solid lines I loved (especially having too much to dream) (brilliant, that) but overall it was long enough to lose my interest pretty quick, especially on a theme that never really grabbed it anyway. #5

Silenceevolves- Hmm..I can’t really make up my mind on this one. It’s definetely got a very poetic, visual feel. But I guess that doesn’t make it good. I like the way you expressed. But what you expressed I wasn’t impressed with. Kind of a generic theme to me. #6

BigBadBob- Brilliant. The feel of the song really shines through. And the amazing ending paragraph totally cancels out the not so amazing intro. I really like this one. #2

JurialMonkey- They were right. You DO write a lot like Dean Young. That aside, excellent song. I won’t like, I didn’t get a lot of it, which is why I didn’t score it highest. It was too long for something I don’t get. But the parts I DID get were great. This scoring was close. #3

TaintedSoul- (me) ...hm...I need to stop posting things the same day I write them. It really looked a lot better when I was writing it.

RunAmokRampant- Who is father Jed? Shiny language in this song...but it feels like a paper bag. It’ll hold things, but its not why you go to the supermarket. Catchy title. #8

DeathScreamingSheep- Ah, the old message in a bottle approach. Not a good start man. Amazingly, it gets better instead of worse, which is good. Lots of emphasis on communication, which is ironic because I’m not hearing your message. #9

ATC- Brilliant. I felt like I was sitting on some front porch, singin the blues. (happy blues?) very good. #1

Lowridenn- Are you one of those people who licks eyeballs? I’m not too crazy about mixing physics class with music, but if you can make it work, cool. #10

Dfelon- I liked it a lot, but it felt kind of like I was reading your diary. I prefer a more detached approach usually, but I guess that doesn’t make it bad. Definetely one of the most interesting pieces. #4

DiscoDonkey- I really liked the way you expressed yourself in this song. Kind of a religious theme, eh? Well done. #7

[ATC]

Sketchyjoe - I like the anthemic quality of this but you stretch it far too much. With some paring down, this could be tight. 7

silenceevolves- I like the first two verses. I'm not a fan of rhetorical questions, especially when placed at the end and consecutively. 10

Bigbadbob- I quite enjoyed this. Piggish sounds out of place in such a departure piece. You've made your point beautifully. 2

jurialmunkey - Unfocussed with moments of brilliance. Gets good from the middle on. 6

Tainted Soul- The because she smoked pot line ruined this for me. I liked a lot of it but the exclaimed pot smoking thing minimized your message. 5

RunAmokRampant- I enjoyed this. You've got a lot of your old technical issues fixed. I'd suggest bringing Father Jed in earlier in addition to where you have it. 4

deathscreamingsheep - Cool from stanza 3 on. That's one hell of a huge cliche in the first line. 9

ATC - It's me, not you.

Lowridenn - This song is like Icarus. Stretched too far and wandered into the wrong territory, especially in the last line. I love the first verse. 8

DFelon- I critiqued this earlier. Nothing new to add. 1

Disco Donkey - Very cool storyline. Some faults with execution but I enjoyed it. 3


It's been awhile since it's been this competitive. None of the entries sucked. Sweet.

[Disco Donkey]

4 Sketchyjoe – This starts out with a bang but ends with a “bleh.” The couplets get to be excessive after a while and detract from the rest of the song (especially the “Waiting for the bomb blast…” couplet). Still, the first half has some pretty powerful wordplay.

8 silenceevolves – “Simple” is the word that needs to describe this. You pose a good philosophical question, but not really enough for me to sink my teeth into.

1 Bigbadbob – A couple of silly words scattered throughout made me unintentionally chuckle (“piggish,” “sinew”), but you get this challenge’s award for best analogy (“No longer to peel the days like fruit”).

6 jurialmunkey – A bit long-winded with an overuse of adjective/noun combinations. Still, how can I not like a piece that uses the words “violent vomit” together?

7 Tainted Soul – Jimi Hendrix did a better job of writing about the effects of smoking pot. You did, however, use some good imagery there in the beginning.

9 RunAmokRampant – It seems like you tried to make this all into a big conglomeration of analogies and metaphors. But there’s not enough substance to tie it all together.

10 deathscreamingsheep – I was let down a little by the plain ending. Other than that, there wasn’t anything that stood out in a good or bad way.

5 ATC – Oh, the joys of being on the road. This was a nice little piece, but nothing spectacular. However, I think trying to be spectacular with this topic would have defeated the purpose anyways.

2 Lowridenn – One question: why are you trying to taste someone’s eyes? Weird. Very cool idea mixing the Columbus and Icarus stories from the first-person perspective though. Solid storyline and great word choices = good song.

3 DFelon- This starts off incredibly strong but, but towards the end sounds too self-important. Tossing in random names didn’t help me get into the story any more. Still, you had terrific wording in parts.

Disco Donkey – I want your body.

[DFelon204409]

Closed