untitled poem. please crit.

[holy_roller99]

this is just some poem that i wrote the other day while trying to make up a song. it seem a bit generalized but lets see wat everyone else thinks.

I catch the paper
feeling if it was caught
i would put it in my pocket
and let it fly
And carry me away
To a path of better days
I'd Flow silently over
the raging oblivion below

During midflight
i try to discern
About better days
with ages well worn
of sights not within my grasp

Though released
By my hand alone
And sought
For the freedom
The thoughts represent
of better days

Logic tells me
of the grand mosaic
Life represents
But cannot follow the meaning
Of broken bottles, broken days
and broken smokes.

enjoy. for the record i was just freewriting some stuf and this is what came out.

[DeadReligion]

Separate this into verses/stanzas, and I'll crit it. I did notice one thing, "'tis" was used very poorly, and should be changed.

[holy_roller99]

it was meant to be a poem that was written in free verse. to be honest i would rather it was not cut up but this was the way it was written i also went and did soem revision and fixed the "'tis" thing. it kinda screwed up my scheme though i would think.

[holy_roller99]

i went and did soem revisions and will repost it soon.

[Crimsonpunk]

I catch the paper
feeling if it was caught
i would put it in my pocket
and let it fly
And carry me away
To a path of better days
I'd Flow silently over
the raging oblivion below

This creates a fairly strong picture in my mind, if a wholy confusing one, but it does open up for the rest of the piece

During midflight
i try to discern
About better days
with ages well worn
of sights not within my grasp

Not as good, better days used again, although it get's across fairly well the subject of reminising

Though released
By my hand alone
And sought
For the freedom
The thoughts represent
of better days

much of the same

Logic tells me
of the grand mosaic
Life represents
But cannot follow the meaning
Of broken bottles, broken days
and broken smokes.
I liked this stanza, not sure about the last line though

Pretty average piece altogether, though I can imagine it means alot more to you than it did to me
6/10

[fr3quency_]

Personally I really like this. Good Job :)