Story from a sterile room

[jb6oclock]

this was fun it's....well a musical story I guess you could say


Inspiration from the pebbles of glass strewn about the seat of my car
I stare through the void of transparency that once was there
the smoke bellows thick and rank
I cant react, no time to think
the loping whine of sick machines,
who belongs to those peircing screams?
am I alone? Is someone there?
movement pointless, or rather impossible
mobility comes from only my eyes,
they've become dull, searching for feeling
heart racing, mouth dry, my nose a chimney with no outlet,
the only light orange, flickering feverishly,
warming this steel casket, so cold,
eyes closed now can't feel a thing,
the warmth, the fear, the certain pain.
A flourecent freeway like rails of neon,
mock my thirsty eyes, voices, not mine, not in my head
turn the corner on my back effortlessly,
through stainless doors,
cords, and machines with a new whine
the good kind,I'll be okay just relax now,
escaped from hell now I'm back somehow.

[DeadReligion]

Once you organize this, I crit it, as long as you promise to return the crit.

[OnDesolationRow]

Inspiration from the pebbles of glass strewn about the seat of my car
<the image of glass as pebbles is good, but this is quite disconnected. you refer to this "inspiration" you draw but then don't link it.>
I stare through the void of transparency that once was there
<this is quite muddled. a "void of transparency" makes sense, but if its not there any more how are you staring through it? unless you mean that you are staring through the void where there used to be transparency, which doesn't really make sense>
the smoke bellows thick and rank
I cant react, no time to think
the loping whine of sick machines,
<i like this image>
who belongs to those peircing screams?
<nice inversion>
am I alone? Is someone there?
movement pointless, or rather impossible
mobility comes from only my eyes,
they've become dull, searching for feeling
heart racing, mouth dry, my nose a chimney with no outlet,
the only light orange, flickering feverishly,
warming this steel casket, so cold,
<the concept of orange light "warming" the "casket" is a good use of synaesthesia - the colour of heat becomes the sense of it, fire>
eyes closed now can't feel a thing,
the warmth, the fear, the certain pain.
A flourecent freeway like rails of neon,
mock my thirsty eyes, voices, not mine, not in my head
turn the corner on my back effortlessly,
through stainless doors,
cords, and machines with a new whine
the good kind,I'll be okay just relax now,
escaped from hell now I'm back somehow.

Overall this has good imagery and develops well, but some of the imagery I find to be a bit muddled.

[jb6oclock]

Thanks for the crit, in reference to the first and second lines.....

Inspiration from the pebbles of glass strewn about the seat of my car
^^this represents where he got his inspiration to tell the "story from a sterile room" hence the title, I guess it's kind of tricky.


I stare through the void of transparency that once was there
^^ this is fairly simple I thought, at first glance it does seem muddled hell I had to read it twice myself but, basically I just replaced the word "window" with "transparency", example; "I stare through the void of the window that once was there" I thought this was clever, but then again perhaps it's too clever ,I don't know. Anyway thanks again.

[jb6oclock]

Anymore critics out there wanna take this one for a spin?

[kerazay]

Inspiration from the pebbles of glass strewn about the seat of my car
I stare through the void of transparency that once was there

I like this but the only thing that bothered me was the length of the lines-I know, pretty pathetic but I like to read something that's visually appealin, if that makes sense. They're the longest lines in the whole piece and I'm just trying to imagine how you would manage to sing them, if it's a song, and make them fit in with the rest. As a poem I don't think these two fit in with the flow of the rest of the piece.

the smoke bellows thick and rank
I cant react, no time to think

Do you have to think to have an instinctive reaction? In my mind this seems a bit confusing...

the loping whine of sick machines,
who belongs to those peircing screams?

I thought that was GREAT! the fact that the person belongs to the screams and not the other way about... kinda enforced an idea of real insanity into the piece. If that's what you were aiming for, nice work.

am I alone? Is someone there?
movement pointless, or rather impossible
mobility comes from only my eyes,
they've become dull, searching for feeling

No problems here, it's all good...


heart racing, mouth dry, my nose a chimney with no outlet,
the only light orange, flickering feverishly,
warming this steel casket, so cold,
eyes closed now can't feel a thing,
the warmth, the fear, the certain pain.

I took this section together because I noticed that there were a lot of punctuation marks. Ha ha I guess I sound like an english teacher right now but the things you're saying now seem more urgent, as if things are just getting increasingly worse. They seem "jumpy." This is a good touch, but saying that, I think it might read better if they weren't all thrown together in the same lines, particularly with the first. Try breaking it up into two.

A flourecent freeway like rails of neon,
mock my thirsty eyes, voices, not mine, not in my head
turn the corner on my back effortlessly,
through stainless doors,

The only thing I can saya bout the first two lines is what I said before, about breaking it up into two... but that only applies to the second one. And sorry to sound like an old english professor again but shouldn't that be "mocks my thirsty eyes" because the rails of neon are only a similie and not the actual thing you are telling the reader is mocking your eyes? Sorry, I'm an English major at college, I'm always doing this....

cords, and machines with a new whine
the good kind,I'll be okay just relax now,
escaped from hell now I'm back somehow.

I don't really understand this part. Do you mean that you're back from this inner dementia where you were captive?!

All in all this is pretty good, it actually reminds me of the book "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest,", there are a lot of similarities between the two. Good work man, I give you an 8/10. Just try and tidy up the structure a bit because even though it might sound well in your head, this is a lyrics sight-lol well done fiona, state the obvious here-but it needs to be visually appealing for people to be able to give a proper crit. Well, that's my thinking of it.

PS if you're interested in seeing some of my "serious" work as you said my latest post WASN'T :) take a look at some of these, give me a few crits if you want and all! Some of these may be closed but I just want you to see I can be serious :P

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=416427
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=299823
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=255594
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=247261

[shadeddakotabassist]

I don't know about the rest of you...but this screams car wreck to me...I'd do a critique in detail but there are only a few things I have a problem with. first of all is the use of punctuation...it makes me feel as if this is all one big sentence. and I can't help but try reading it as such...it throws me off. throw a period in there (where appropriate, of course) just to slow things down a little bit. I realize that the thought process of the character is supposed to be a bit jarbled but when I got in my wreck I wasn't a panicked mess like this person seems to be. I dunno...might be a different scenario...might not even be a car crash...and then the last line..I don't get it...you've just been rescued...and yet you've returned to hell somehow? how so? eh...that's it from me...thanks for your input on "Part of You." much appreciated. adios

[bassaholica2004]

This was really good IMO. It has GREAT imagery, which I think is one of the most important pieces to a song, and it flow very well. I heard it in my head being played at a fast, hurried pace, and it flowed very nicely. Overall, very good work. I like it a lot. Keep writing!

[jb6oclock]

thanks bassaholic I just did your newest a second ago, you keep writing too!