Misshapen Duality

[DeadReligion]

This was a near complete revamp of something formerly called "Bittersweet" that I wrote. It's a bit cliche, I suppose, at least the topic is...anyway...rip into it.

Misshapen Duality

(Stanza 1)
Misshapen duality, created by a plastic stencil; synthetic.
Coned lead, that was nearly flat, wrote our vows, before we knew how.
Was that a crack? My spine went spiraling into a serpentine eternity.
I tried to totter away, and my body imploded.

(Stanza 2)
You were the tine of my spear,
The end of the world,
The pinpoint of technology,
The arrow in Cupid’s rusted and spider-webbed bow.

(Stanza 3)
When my spear breaks, so will your heart
And when the world ends, you’ll have no purpose
When technology is no longer needed you won’t be either
And, my friend, when love ends, so will you,

(Stanza 4)
And I’m pretty sure I don’t care
Minds are so hard to make up…
Though stabbing is always an easy decision…
Did I read this billet-doux with the right diction?

[OnDesolationRow]

The "spear" metaphor is quite well-developed, though how it ties in with the repeated "technology" image is unclear to me. the nature of the image would make it suited to a metal song I think.
Also, "my spine went spiralling into a serpentine eternity"? I don't really understand what you're getting at here. Why would eternity be serpentine? Why would your spine go into it, spiralling?

[jb6oclock]

I apologize but I have a very difficult time reading these posts when you print them in black. I'd love to crit some more of your work but I can't see it.

[DeadReligion]

Basically its saying its twisted, which usually implies bad/evil/painful. I'll change the font to white, sorry about that. It's about former love, so they serve as a metaphor for importance.

[holy_roller99]

man it is very hard to read in a white font. i prefered the black but if it made it easier for someone else then whatever.

[DeadReligion]

Anyone feel like critiquing?

[kerazay]

Hello, hello HELLO! **** man i did like this a lot. Like's not even strong enough a word... I can't say love either unless I'm referring to it collectively and not the words on there own-which I am, i ****ing LOVE this! I'm gonna go through it stanza by stanza because I know how much I appreciate it when people do that for me. God there's nothing I enjoy more than critiquing a song that I like so much. okay, i'm lying... I can think of a lot more things I enjoy more than this :P OKAAAAAAAAAAAAY back to the song!


(Stanza 1)
Misshapen duality, created by a plastic stencil; synthetic.
Coned lead, that was nearly flat, wrote our vows, before we knew how.
Was that a crack? My spine went spiraling into a serpentine eternity.
I tried to totter away, and my body imploded.

This is really, really good. The kind of lyrics that would keep the listener/reader whatever hooked from the word go. I just hope that you have striking music to compliment these words! My favourite part would have to be "My spine went spiraling... and my body imploded." This was soooo good I can't even put into words exactly what I think of it. Bleedin' fabulous!

(Stanza 2)
You were the tine of my spear,
The end of the world,
The pinpoint of technology,
The arrow in Cupid’s rusted and spider-webbed bow.

I wasn't as keen on this as I was on the first stanza, which was just so powerful and compelling. This seemed to pale in comparison seeing as the imagery in the first stanza was just so strong. I'm not saying that anything here is weak, I'm only giving my opinion. However, I loved the last line. Totally stampedes all over the image of Cupid as all cute and sweet... so wonderfully cynical!

(Stanza 3)
When my spear breaks, so will your heart
And when the world ends, you’ll have no purpose
When technology is no longer needed you won’t be either
And, my friend, when love ends, so will you,

Really, really good. But I don't understand how this girl/guy will have no purpose only when the world ends-surely that's a long time away yet? I'm sure you have an explanation for this and I'm sincerely looking forward to having this explained to me!

(Stanza 4)
And I’m pretty sure I don’t care
Minds are so hard to make up…
Though stabbing is always an easy decision…
Did I read this billet-doux with the right diction?


Wow. Like it, love it. And there was me saying earlier that I wouldn't use the word love in this. Very, very good. I like the first line... you're nearly completely sure that you don't care but you're unsure of whether you're totally over this person? Well, that's what I took it as. If I'm wrong will you clarify this for me?

Overall, very very VERY nice ****ing job. I wish I could write like you! Would you mind taking a look at some of mine? (NOT bittersweet facade, it's bad and I know it is!) Here's a few links-and I would really appreciate it, I think that you would be able to help me out a lot on some of my stuff because this is just really so good! Some of these posts may be closed but if you feel like saying anything on them will you include it in your critique of my more recent work?

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=444117
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=416427
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=247261
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=299823

You don't have to check them all, these are just a few. If you want to leave any links for anymore of your work please do, I'd gladly check them out!

Again, great ****ing job on this. 10/10. I'd buy you a drink if I knew who you were and if I lived near you lol but unfortunately this will have to do :chug:

[DeadReligion]

Stanza two is metaphorical. They all show importance, though the last line shows more love than importance I suppose. But the technology, the end of the world, and the tine of the spear, show importance.

[jurialmunkey]

The opening line is really great. I like the flow of the syntax. I love how the "synthetic" bit is dumped on the end like an afterthought... sort of a quick summary for the line, great use of that technique (is there an actual word for that technique??)

Stanza 2 is a nice sort of sum up stanza about the main theme. I understand the flow from Stanza2 thru Stanza3 BUT... I don't really like Stanza3, it feels a bit rushed and unnessicary.

The use of "My Friend" makes me cringe, but maybe that's the effect implied. Stanza3 feels a little contrived and superficial.. I get what it's digging at but I don't feel like it "sings" the words with emotion... it feels a little tired. The spear breaking/heart breaking metaphor/symmetry is a little boring and obvious.

The only line I feel is going anywhere in Stanza3 is When technology is no longer needed you won’t be either << That's a great line that says something a bit more than the usual and expected.

That last line in Stanza4 works great.. I'm not too sure if the pronuciation of billet-doux would work but I love what the line says. It sums up the frustrations in a trying analysis of someones advances etc etc.

Overall this is a really interesting piece with some great thought put into it. Although I may have seemed to be negative in my dealing with it, I do, overall like it very much.

[dustmouth]

once again ive wandered upon deadreligion by accident. i really do despise the critical grammar cops who have no imagination. a great poem which i look up to and envy. i still dont understand the random forum thing.........dammmit.