Pretty Much a Waste of Breath

[deathscreamingsheep]

A quick poem I wrote today. It's based on a sermon that I remember a chaplain giving (back at the time when I still went to Church).

Not sure it's really at the same par as the rest of my writing but I personally liked some of the lines within it.


I grip my pen in the right hand
Scrawling a tear-stained note.
Smudging ink, the dark smears say more
than my own poor linguistic skills could.
They say goodbye.

Proof-reading one might point out
Syntax that leaves much to be desired.
What can I say? Scholarly pursuits are meaningless
In the scheme of things, things that I measure.
So I say goodbye.

Offering a prayer to some benevolant being with whom I have shared
Not a single moment of acquaintance
for now in tear streaked state
I am a hypcrite
And on that note I say goodbye.

[jb6oclock]

boring is the first thing that comes to mind for me, it's like the same part of ten different poems have been meshed together here. I don't think this would be a good song, and I don't don't think it's a good poem either. On a positive note however here is what I did like....

Offering a prayer to some benevolant being with whom I have shared
Not a single moment of acquaintance

^^well written

What can I say? Scholarly pursuits are meaningless
In the scheme of things, things that I measure.

^^ditto

3.5/10

[DeadReligion]

I grip my pen in the right hand
Scrawling a tear-stained note.
Smudging ink, the dark smears say more
than my own poor linguistic skills could.
They say goodbye.
^ Barring the last line, this was exquisite.

Proof-reading one might point out
Syntax that leaves much to be desired.
What can I say? Scholarly pursuits are meaningless
In the scheme of things, things that I measure.
So I say goodbye.
^ Same as the previous stanza, with the exception of "things" twice, in a row.

Offering a prayer to some benevolant being with whom I have shared
Not a single moment of acquaintance
for now in tear streaked state
I am a hypcrite
And on that note I say goodbye.^ It's "benevolent", and its also a pretty bad word choice I think, because its used so much (How interesting, since I used it in what I posted). "Hypocrite" is spelled wrong, and the last line, like in all the other stanzas, is bad.

9/10. This would be an excellent poem, but not such a great song. Can you critique my "Yin Yangs On Sweet Caustic Winds" PLEASE, because, I've asked like 3 or 4 people, and gotten one response.

[deathscreamingsheep]

Er... I've already critted that song but I might be able to add to what I've said if I read through it again.

Anyway, thanks for the comments. Hmmm.... one likes it and one doesn't.