Last Lines

[OnDesolationRow]

So this is the first serious set of lyrics I've ever written. Constructive criticism will be much appreciated. I want to get better. The structure is not a formal verse/chorus, but rather a long narrative section, an interlude with faster rhythm, followed by a return to the original rhythm with a short reflective verse.

I write out the last lines to all my favourite songs
cut them up, drop them in a bowl, pull them back out one by one,
speak aloud each syllable and attach it to a thought,
now these songs lie like cages filled with the memories that I've caught.
you light a cigarette and blow smoke against a mirror,
with face obscured you talk about a hibernated winter,
a sleep so long and graceful, no traces will remain
of a life so quick and awkward when you wake back up again.
because every time you see yourself reflected and reversed
you hate the body that imprisons every momentary urge.
I buy books on mnemonics, strategies of dream,
say "each image that you hold on to is another thing set free
from the fading that you fight against, the impermanence of truth"
you smile and say that memory is a theory with no proof.

At night we lay and you turn away,
press your face up to the wall,
let your words absorb to the wooden floors
and the carpet in the hall;
as you whisper how this house is now
another part of you disgorged.

Now you are just a face, and some lines that i have rhymed,
and I wonder if you'd be happy with how I hold you in my mind:
trapped inside a melody, the cracked pitch of my voice
a hymn to an idea, and the girl who brought it forth.

[OnDesolationRow]

I don't know whether bumping is frowned on here, but I'll give it a go til someone tells me it is...

[jb6oclock]

bumping is acceptable once...but heres another black dot for ya. Thanks for the crit. I had a hard time doing this one because as you said its not in formal structure, but here goes.. This is an interesting piece that kept me reading, there were a couple things I would like to point out;

let your words absorb to the wooden floors
^^did you mean into the wooden floors? cuz if not it sounds horrible.

with face obscured you talk about a hibernated winter,
a sleep so long and graceful, no traces will remain
of a life so quick and awkward when you wake back up again.
^^this is cool because winter does disappear without a trace, I really like this part.

trapped inside a melody, the cracked pitch of my voice
a hymn to an idea, and the girl who brought it forth.
^^this is a good ending but the "brought it forth" words don't seem to fit, the point and meaning obviously does but the actual words you used just rubbed me the wrong way. Perhaps there is another way to say this and mabye rhyme with voice?

And to end this crit....my rating 7.9/10

[OnDesolationRow]

I did mean into, yes. I suppose I wrote it as it would be sung, skipping mostly over that first syllable to help the flow. And I agree that "brought it forth" is quite a cumbersome phrase. Thanks for the crit.

[Tonys_Theme]

I liked this piece. I couldn't imagine these sung as lyrics, to me, this is a very nice poem though.

The first stanza could use a little work though, at times it felt like a pill.

8/10