Be A Memory (f**k Off)

[linamarquez]

Be gone, be foam
Be exempt from this bond
Be chalk smeared on stone
Be paper, be coal
Be a memory, just that
Be a stain, just that

And when you comeback
And say to me "baby
Forget what’s behind
And open up your heart’s blinds"
I will say
I will say

Be a picture on the wall
Be a burn on my tongue
Be a bear on a shelf
Stay away from my veins
Be a memory, just that
Be a stain, just that

And when you comeback
And say to me "baby
Forget what’s behind
And open up your heart’s blinds"
I will say
I will say

Go travel her hair
And choke on her melons
Go suck her dark smile
And blend with her a night
While I start a new life

And when you comeback
And say to me "baby
Forget what’s behind
And open up your heart’s blinds"
I will say
I will say

Be gone, be foam, become
a stain on the floor

http://www.linamusic.com/bannerLina.gif

[OnDesolationRow]

Be gone, be foam
Be exempt from this bond
Be chalk smeared on stone
Be paper, be coal
Be a memory, just that
Be a stain, just that

And when you comeback
And say to me "baby
Forget what’s behind
And open up your heart’s blinds"
I will say
I will say

Be a picture on the wall
Be a burn on my tongue
Be a bear on a shelf
Stay away from my veins
Be a memory, just that
Be a stain, just that

And when you comeback
And say to me "baby
Forget what’s behind
And open up your heart’s blinds"
I will say
I will say

Go travel her hair
And choke on her melons
Go suck her dark smile
And blend with her a night
While I start a new life

And when you comeback
And say to me "baby
Forget what’s behind
And open up your heart’s blinds"
I will say
I will say

Be gone, be foam, become
a stain on the floor

http://www.linamusic.com/bannerLina.gif

I like the syntatic pattern in the verses, giving it a strong forceful rhythm. the imperative "be" makes it commanding, projecting the words. the imagery used is good, but I feel that due to the nature of the song, with a new image each line, none of the metaphors are developed as fully as they could be. Additionally, the last verse seems odd, and jarring with the tone built up. I'm not sure exactly what you mean by "go travel her hair", and if "choke on her melons" is intended in the way I took it, then it doesn't really fit with the tone, seeming too jokey.

But overall I like this. A bit of fiddling could make it a really good set of lyrics.

[TojesDolan]

For a second there, I though we had signatures back. :o

Musically this could work. The rhythm is quite blending and flowing, however, if I rated this for the content, is pretty much angsty teenager stuff. Probably not teen stuff, but it's like teen stuff, minus about 30% of the anger.

Anyhow:

Go travel her hair
And choke on her melons

That made me laugh.

On a brighter side, I'd say it's pretty obvious you either have experience, or are dedicating to this business for real, like, you are giving this a chance to be what you'll do your whole life.

So, lyrically this isn't appealing a lot, but it could work with music, as a pop song.

[deadwith0utmusic]

And choke on her melons



bwhahahahaha

i thought it was alright, but some of the metophors or imagery or what ever you want to call it was really stupid

[linamarquez]

i appreciate your feedback. thank you

can you please take this poll? it will only take a couple of minutes. my songs are all pretty short.

http://www.linamusic.com/poll.html