Stranger Than...

[Steerpike]

I wrote this just recently in one sitting. Needs some work, but I really like the concept behind this one.

(Verse 1)
A glimpse
Imagine something was there
A turn
You focus, nothing is there
So weird
And you continue to stare
So odd
Where is this vision, where has it gone?
I need to know

(Pre-Chorus)
Motes of light that dance before your eyes
A glimpse of movement past your shoulder
Bumps at night that creep within your ears
A sound of movement in the dark

(Chorus)
Under the bed
Outside the window
Out of your head
The shadows aglow

Truth is stranger than...

(Verse 2)
The night
Too quiet, it cannot be right
The walls
Are painted with demons of light
Your heart
You're haunted by things out of sight
What's that?
How will I make it, last until dawn?
Against things unkown

(Pre-Chorus)
(Chorus)

(Bridge)
Draw up the covers, hide away
Live to see the light of day
Inside the closet, lurk about
Creatures you have dreamed about

(Chorus)
Under the bed
Outside the window
Out of your head
The shadows aglow

Truth is stranger than...
Truth is stranger than...
Truth is stranger than...
Truth is stranger than fiction

[TojesDolan]

hmm... you dedicate to this stuff now, Steerpike? heh, I had never seen you out of R&M (a lot). Glad to see you chose this subforum to go along and have varied fun. I'll be glad to be of service anytime you need some critique. :)

Overall read, guides me to... some Porcupine tree/steve wilson similiarites for some reason. Call me crazy, but that's what came to my mind. Anyhow, further read, it starts off... I don't know. I get what's behind the idea, but for some reason it's not very appealing. Probably the rhyme, probably the short/long verse way it's arranged.

The prechorus is more like it. Kind of showing off what the poem/song is really about, maybe? Anyway, I dig it up to that point. The idea behind it is indeed interesting, but I guess the verses are too simple. It's a good piece overall, is very well-rounded, in my opinion, but the subject felt a bit... meh. I mean, very well developed, but a little meh.

Hope meh is understood. <_<

If you need any further comment or something contact through here... I suppose. :D

[factor46]

Hmm...not the most vivid & explanitory of all writing, but still nice overall. I liked the line:

"Motes of light that dance before your eyes"

But I wasn't too fond of all the rhyming. It seemed overdone a little bit, but not necissarily forced. The imagery you used was good though. Maybe add some more explicit words in there on occasion, and it'll be a great piece.

Nice work man.
:thumb:


And thanks for the crit on mine.

[DeadReligion]

(Verse 1)
A glimpse
Imagine something was there
A turn
You focus, nothing is there
So weird
And you continue to stare
So odd
Where is this vision, where has it gone?
I need to know
^ I don't like the structure, or the there/there rhyme, since its the same word, and its just a bad rhyme period. The first four lines were nice though, in terms of content.

(Pre-Chorus)
Motes of light that dance before your eyes
A glimpse of movement past your shoulder
Bumps at night that creep within your ears
A sound of movement in the dark
^ Too many body parts, in too small a space. Lovely lines though, if they were spaced out, even better.

Under the bed
Outside the window
Out of your head
The shadows aglow

Truth is stranger than...
^ Stranger Than Fiction! Yeah, not the best album. Anyway. This suffers from Graffinea. Because, Greg Graffin has a lot of great content, word use, blah blah blah, however, the childish, cheap, simplistic rhyme schemes, take the content down several notches. Same thing here, great idea, bad rhymes. If the first two lines were one line, and the last two lines were one line, it might be a bit better, because they'd be rhymes within a line, and just, a tad more clever.

The night
Too quiet, it cannot be right
The walls
Are painted with demons of light
Your heart
You're haunted by things out of sight
What's that?
How will I make it, last until dawn?
Against things unkown
^ Graffinea. Plus, the rhymes are inconsistent, all the long lines rhyme except for the last one. It'd make sense if you only rhymed on accident, or rare occasion, like me, but if you commit to a rhyme scheme, keep it all the way through. Also, "What's that?" was just...dumb, sorry, its a good idea, it just...wasn't done well.

Draw up the covers, hide away
Live to see the light of day
Inside the closet, lurk about
Creatures you have dreamed about
^ Graffinea... Also, just a crappy scheme in general. "Lurk about" should be changed, so about doesn't rhyme itself, and lurk is just an overused word that lost its punch a long time ago.

Okay, the stranger than fiction thing is overdone, so, yeah...at least phrase it differently. Plus it reminded me of what may be (aside from Into The Unknown) the worst Bad Religion album ever (One of two bad ones). 7.7/10. Can you crit my "Yin Yangs On Sweet Caustic Winds"?

[jb6oclock]

first off thanks for the extremely short unhelpful crit.


Stranger Than...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wrote this just recently in one sitting. Needs some work, but I really like the concept behind this one.

(Verse 1)
A glimpse
Imagine something was there
A turn
You focus, nothing is there
So weird
And you continue to stare
So odd
Where is this vision, where has it gone?
I need to know

^^this structure seems to be written to a particular musical arrangment but reads very poorly without it

(Pre-Chorus)
Motes of light that dance before your eyes
A glimpse of movement past your shoulder
Bumps at night that creep within your ears
A sound of movement in the dark

^^the first line here is cool, good imagery but then the rest kind of sounds like a "bump at night" (just doesn't flow well)


(Chorus)
Under the bed
Outside the window
Out of your head
The shadows aglow

Truth is stranger than...

^^ this chorus is way too short to catch on and doesn't really say much. Also what's with the stragling line afterward?


(Verse 2)
The night
Too quiet, it cannot be right
The walls
Are painted with demons of light
Your heart
You're haunted by things out of sight
What's that?
How will I make it, last until dawn?
Against things unkown

^^ there is that odd structure again this stanza is pretty good except for the last line


(Pre-Chorus)
(Chorus)

(Bridge)
Draw up the covers, hide away
Live to see the light of day
Inside the closet, lurk about
Creatures you have dreamed about

^^ I don't like this bridge at all seems very generic

(Chorus)
Under the bed
Outside the window
Out of your head
The shadows aglow

Truth is stranger than...
Truth is stranger than...
Truth is stranger than...
Truth is stranger than fiction
^^ very generic/trite if I had a dollar for everytime I heard this I'd be rich....Ironic eh?

Overall I'd say that if you want to keep this concept for a song your going to need to put in some long hours revising,on the positive side I think you know how to write fairly well, I would probably write about something else though. for this song 4.2/10

[Steerpike]

Well, I asked for constructive criticism.

This is a pretty big departure from my usual writing style, so I shouldn't be too surprised. Those who didn't guess it already, the whole concept is the perspective of a child afraid of the dark.

I guess I'll rework to sort of a spooky-sounding nursery rhyme.

[groomits]

mm yeah, ''truth is stranger than fiction''... I think you were really inspired by bad religion's song called ''stranger than fiction'' no? where the line ''truth is stranger than fiction'' is in the chorus. your song is based on the same type and theme of lyrics.

don't try to do ''bad religionesque'' lyrics. And if you don't even know bad religion and that's a big coincidence, then excuse me. but come on, you put in the exact same lines and the title is really near the same, you can be more original.

[Steerpike]

Actually, I like Bad Religion, and I know the song. But I was not thinking of it when I wrote this. I've actually been listening to a lot of Edguy and Slough Feg lately, so I was thinking in terms of experimental metal.

[DeadReligion]

don't try to do ''bad religionesque'' lyrics < Why not, as long as you don't copy? The only stolen line is "Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction" However, it is EXTREMELY similar.

[groomits]

I meant, you can't write lyrics in a bad religion style if you don't got enough talent. Graffin and Gurewitz are the best writers I know, I find it bad that people take some of their lines or ideas to make their own song.

[DeadReligion]

Heh, I sometimes use general ideas, or get influenced by them, but I don't steal. "There is an endless disposition and it doesn't mean a goddamn thing, there is space for a paper-airplane race, in the eye of a hurricane. If pigs could fly, then surely so could I, and my divinity is caught between the colors of a butterfly" < The best verse ever written, in my opinion (All There Is). Yeah, they are extremely talented writers. Anyway, its been a long time since I've seen you around these parts, not since was an angsty noob, in fact. You n' I should trade AIM SN's, if you've got one.

[Steerpike]

Again, there is no Bad Religion influence here at all. I was thinking more of doom/power metal than anything else.

[groomits]

to deadreligion, my AIM is ''groomits'' but I'd prefer if you have msn. if you got msn, add me. my adress is max_delangie@hotmail.com