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View Full Version : Private Thoughts Are My Unsent Messages


skim_01
02-11-2006, 09:32 PM
er...this is my first writing post on here. i like writing but i don't consider anything i write poetry nor lyrics. i dunno what it is. i kinda it though. i've been working with a new kind of writing style, but i might post some older things i've written. truthfully, it's not coming out how i want it too. because i originally wanted to type it up exactly how i wrote it. if you want to get the real way it was written, www.xanga.com/sendinganothermessage ok enough blabbling, here it is.

Scenario:
She makes the beat speed up. I'll sweat bullets as she sits next me. That God-Forsaken silence hits my throat. ....thinking, 'Why can't SHE say something?'
Pushing percentages (90) because I don't know where to meet. (Where's the 10?) Slow and Easy/as we're all told
Happily yet Passionately....I don't want to seem desperate.
What sucks is...
....This night only holds jealousy and loneliness. So don't leave just yet. "but yea, I'll talk to ya later."
Honey it'll never come: Wanting to reply yet no reason or idea how to return messages. Ignore me sure, BUT "ya" could have done the ignoring long ago.

Q: Desire? A: You
Want?
Need?
Who knows?

Problem: Addiction is to watch you
And so, in the end at least I'll watch her smile, (not at me) And thinking, if only I could me...'Cus I'd switch place with any boy who gets that hello, which is where you had me (of course, at first, wasn't to me either).

Solution: N/A

-Skim

ok hope you enjoyed and i don't mind construtive criticism.

omgwtfboogie
02-11-2006, 11:23 PM
The layout and punctuation you used was perfect. It described a feeling well. And I could see it being put into song through certain formatting (spoken word, panning tracks..). Good job.

OnDesolationRow
02-12-2006, 12:48 PM
I think this is a very interesting style, and the writing is suitably stream-of-consciousness. However, "sweating bullets" is a cliched metaphor, maybe you should look for something else.

skim_01
02-12-2006, 09:07 PM
wow it's awesome to receive like compliments from outside opinions. i mostly get my friends to read this stuff so, i dunno for sure. thx