Yin Yangs On Sweet Caustic Winds

[DeadReligion]

Yin Yangs On Sweet Caustic Winds...

(Stanza 1)
Benevolence whispers; cold in night. Like winter’s sweet fumigatory wind.
A faint moan, a window tinted in winter breath.
Standing outside a house, inhaling. Watch your breath slowly float away.
And we’ll fall down in the night, catching oxygen.

(Stanza 2)
Malevolence caustically mutters back, what a monotonous duet.
Tied and twisted inconsistency reeks off this page.
Generic contradictions loom in ere of written words.
Xylophones clink a malevolent tune, in a room, sounds inset.

(Stanza 3)
Twisted in two strands; a melodic double helix.
Split-ends’ chaotic writhing rock, on the edge of a symphonic clink.

[TojesDolan]

Hi sweetie. I'ts my pleasure to help you. :D

Benevolence whispers; cold in night. Like winter’s sweet fumigatory wind.
A faint moan, a window tinted in winter breath.
Standing outside a house, inhaling. Watch your breath slowly float away.
And we’ll fall down in the night, catching oxygen.

very long words that may slow down the speed and the flow of these lines. The next is quite outstanding. I like the way it's put.

(Stanza 2)
Malevolence caustically mutters back, what a monotonous duet.
Tied and twisted inconsistency reeks off this page.
Generic contradictions, loom in the ere of written words.
Xylophones clink a malevolent tune, in a room, sounds inset.

Again, pretty long words that slow down the flow of the poem. I'm split on what to think about it. on one hand, I think it's quite complex, and sometimes these words are the ones recquired to achieve a certain... context, but then again., they are usually pretty tough to mix around with other stuff and make it euphonic.

(Stanza 3)
Twisted in two strands; a melodic double helix.
Split-ends’ chaotic rock, on the edge of a symphonic clink.

Yeah. I think it's a good poem, however, as I said before, the complexity of the words can slow it down a bit, but I guess it can be saved... you know, I think of the mars volta/at the drive-in with this kind of lyrics, and I suppose that adding a rhythm to the whole thing can be difficult, but not impossible. Hope I helped somehow.

[deathscreamingsheep]

Benevolence whispers; cold in night. Like winter’s sweet fumigatory wind.

Nice and poetic. I'm certainly interested.

A faint moan, a window tinted in winter breath.
Standing outside a house, inhaling. Watch your breath slowly float away.
And we’ll fall down in the night, catching oxygen.

I like these lines, but in line 4 the catching oxygen seems a little out of place: it's slightly redundant when used with the previous line and also the vocabulary seems almost like your struggling to find a different word to say essentially the same thing.

Malevolence caustically mutters back, what a monotonous duet.
Tied and twisted inconsistency reeks off this page.
Generic contradictions, loom in the ere of written words.
Xylophones clink a malevolent tune, in a room, sounds inset.

And the beautiful image is shattered. In a good way. I loved the opening line again, and it certainly helps me understand the title (at first I was slightly puzzled by that).

I didn't really like the 3rd line. It seemed out of place against the rest of the stanza.

Twisted in two strands; a melodic double helix.
Split-ends’ chaotic writhing rock, on the edge of a symphonic clink.

You've only just used clink in the last stanza so maybe try something different. Other than that I liked this couplet a lot: "Split ends' chaotic writhing rock" was a particular favourite line.

8/10

[DeadReligion]

Bump.
Clink was used twice for a reason, thanks for the crit, man.

[DFelon204409]

Yes and no. You seem to have established your imagery sets very convincingly but I don't think you know how you want them to work together. There's a coldness and disgust with the monophony and the synthesized qualities of the imagery but I wish you would say more with that. Maybe turn on that idea. It seems predictable that you're tying together coldness with machinery and/or monotony. You know? Maybe through in some lush green things just to detract and make the poem more interesting and create stronger contrasts. Also, it reads like you're trying too hard. The "big words" aren't so much obnoxious in that they're big but they're cumbersome in the course of the lyrics. They should be weilded lightly as if they're nothing at all.

5.9

[Varment]

This is one of the rare really good songs I find on theese forums, the second stanza is lush, in fact they all rock nice job.
Sorry I didn't write much but could you please write a little bit on my song?
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=443780
cheers,