Wax Seal (maybe?)

[jade858907]

Lets cut a deal,
Lets act fine.
Mash on a wax seal,
Forget you crossed the line.

Who ever mentioned this,
Was, love after all.

You cant fix this with a kiss,
This never should have been, at all.

You’re the reason,
I stay home, dream of a brighter day
Talks of marriage and birthing a son
Now in a puddle of blood and tears I lay

What ever happened to this,
Started so perfect baby,
It use to be bliss
It never should have been, maybe?

-----------------------------
Ok, I am trying but it all seems to sound like all those e*o songs. The only part I like is the first verse, I think it went down hill from there. What do you think?> ~Jade

[DeadReligion]

suc big hairy monky balls < What a warm hello. Your rhyme scheme blows.

[jade858907]

well that was definately a 'warm welcome' for you! thanks for your input have a nice day

[DeadReligion]

When you said "for" did you mean "from"? Lol...that reminds me of the Xmas episode of Family Guy. This was bland, blunt, and overall just boring. The title was the best part, and portrayed a good idea, but the verses (or stanzas...depending) didn't hold up to the potential the "wax seal" idea had.

[KillaBink]

The only part I like is the first verse, I think it went down hill from there. What do you think?> ~Jade

Why bother posting when you know yourself it's sh*t. Try keeping it under your wing (and others that you write) for six months, at least, fine tuning, tweaking, ironing it out, etc. Don't write something and post it five minutes later (poems are exceptions, there's no right or wrong, and we don't want to upset the poets!!), because then you're asking everyone else to do your dirty work by cleaning it up. Redo the song with some effort. There are plenty of great songs in this world to reference and gain a consensus on how a song should be put together.

[shayne_122]

Why bother posting when you know yourself it's sh*t. Try keeping it under your wing (and others that you write) for six months, at least, fine tuning, tweaking, ironing it out, etc. Don't write something and post it five minutes later (poems are exceptions, there's no right or wrong, and we don't want to upset the poets!!), because then you're asking everyone else to do your dirty work by cleaning it up. Redo the song with some effort. There are plenty of great songs in this world to reference and gain a consensus on how a song should be put together.

Six months is a f*cking long time to keep editing a song. At that point, the song will have lost it's original emotional value and meaning. Sometimes keeping the song in it's original state isn't always bad. It's a hell of alot more honest.

Personally, I think the piece was really quite good, except for the rhyme scheme, the habit that will fix itself with time if you explore and experiment.

[jb6oclock]

Lets cut a deal,
Lets act fine.
Mash on a wax seal,
Forget you crossed the line.
^this is good, kept me reading, set the pace for the song


Who ever mentioned this,
Was, love after all.
^starts slowing down, losing intrest.........


You cant fix this with a kiss,
This never should have been, at all.
^I understand what your saying here, perhaps because it's written so obviously.....Lame


You’re the reason,
I stay home, dream of a brighter day
Talks of marriage and birthing a son
Now in a puddle of blood and tears I lay
^This stanza is awful it's very forced, and whiney ruined any previous worth


What ever happened to this,
Started so perfect baby,
It use to be bliss
It never should have been, maybe?
^again this is junk

If this were my lyric I would keep the title and opening stanza and try to rework the rest (as in totally rewrite it) it seems as if you forgot what it was you were writing about or lost inspiration after the first stanza. Goodluck.1.3/10

[Steerpike]

Lets cut a deal,
Lets act fine.
Mash on a wax seal,
Forget you crossed the line.

Everything below this was rather banal, unfortunately, but I like this intro. There are so many different directions a song could go with this first stanza.

Perhaps fix up the rhyme scheme to something less cliche, or a different choice of words.

But hell, keep the idea. This one piece can segue into any number of lyrical topics, and as long as the imagery is kept consistent, it should provide a very unique tone.

If you (or anyone else reading this thread for that matter) could be so kind as to give my latest piece a once over, I'd appreciate it.
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=443458