Fragrant poison, my dear

[TojesDolan]

Hey, I'm tojes. You may recognize me for my varied, yet pointless and usually bad poetry, and as well you may know me for making advice threads referring to breasts or so.

Anyhow, I'm getting back on track with writing. I've started an idea, named "it's not that you are a slut, my darling" but you know... it's far more interesting than that. As for what I bring you today, you can have a little quasi-sonnet by me, with an idea surrounding a medieval, castle-like vibe going on. It's pretty rough and simple, yet I'm just making an act of presence around here.

All said and done, I start:

Fragrant poison, my dear: That's what we deserved in the end...

In the solitude of her alcove
She weeps, Clad in sorrow tears,
Embellished in coral drapes
Princess stares at dismal shades.

In bleak laments, she drowns
in a lake of ink, by paper's shore,
As a murky river streams
along Princess' blushed cheek.

By the side of her bed,
Lies the crucifix of her valiant knight
Where the creator holds him in his cradle.

Now, the waxing moon lights
the atonement dagger.

The castle's left in Silence.

***

Sometimes my lack of direction surprises me. :|

Discuss what I just did.

[slack]

This creaks along, literally. Mostly because a lot of your word choices sound like relics; i.e., solitude, alcove, weeps, 'clad in sorrow tears', 'bleak laments', valiant, atonement. I suppose it's fitting given the subject matter, but at the same it feels over-blown.She weeps, Clad in sorrow tears,This is redundant, isn't it? As is thisAs a murky river streams
along Princess' blushed cheek.It's already been established that she's mourning, so this is unnecessary. This, however, is quite goodIn bleak laments, she drowns
in a lake of ink, by paper's shore,'By paper's shore' has a very nice ring to it.

So, overall, I think the language reinforces the subject matter, and it's great you drew that connection, but it's a double-edged sword I'm afraid, and gives your work an antiquated feel, and could probably be lumped in with all the other stereotypical goth lyrics. Blame the language. :)

[DeadReligion]

In the solitude of her alcove
She weeps, Clad in sorrow tears,
Embellished in coral drapes
Princess stares at dismal shades.
^ I like how solitude/alcove has an odd sound together...almost a rhyme, but not. The second line is redundant, replace "weeps" with something not having to do with crying...like standing, only a more interesting word. The third line is lovely, as is the third, except when you say princess, as if its her name...which, if it is, is just a bad idea, in my opinion.

In bleak laments, she drowns
in a lake of ink, by paper's shore,
As a murky river streams
along Princess' blushed cheek.
^ I've heard "bleak laments" together too much, so that line didn't catch m' fancy. The second line, however, was a stroke of brilliance. I like how the tears are described as murky, they are usually described as clear, in my experience. The last line refers again to "Princess" which I didn't like, and there is probably a better word for "blushed".

By the side of her bed,
Lies the crucifix of her valiant knight
Where the creator holds him in his cradle.
^ valiance in reference to a knight, is used too much, but I like the sound of it, so if you do change it, another word starting with "v" might be a cool idea. Apart from that, I loved this.

Now, the waxing moon lights
the atonement dagger.
^ The way this sentence is put together was not that great, however, I loved the word choice here.

The last line seemed too anticlimactic.

8.5/10. Glad to see you're back. Can you critique my "Yin Yangs On Sweet Caustic Winds"

[factor46]

I really liked the first stanza Tojes. I really, really did.
:thumb:

I also liked how it ended.
You used good wording throughout the piece, no matter how short it was. (Short lyrics are often better in my opinion anyway)

And you say your writing is pointless and bad..
..I hate it when people put themselves down like that..
Especially when what they do, they're very good at.
Just like you.

No, I'm not sucking up.
:lol:


Have a nice day man.
(Sorry, I know my comments probably didn't help you much.....but that just tells you I liked the writing and have no complaints)

[TojesDolan]

Yeah sure factor, we all know there's a little writer's thing going in here, you know, so it's OK feeling attracted like that.

<_<
>_>

Senseless rambling. And joke sentence. :D Anyhow, thanks for your comments guys, However, I was a bit rusty when writing this, It took me a good hour or two finding something that was somewhat nice. I also was thinking of the redundant stuff, especially with repeating "Princess" too much, but I guess I still have to work on the idea. hmm..

I'll make convenient crits for the ones who haven't gotten one and more like being around and commenting and having fun. Cheers. :)

[factor46]

But I like the "princess" repetition..

[Sloth]

Tojes, good to see your writing again.. it's good to see that you're still writing!
I was starting to think for a second that I'd never see anything by you again.

Overall- I really like this, especially after the first 4 lines.. those first 4 don't do too much for me.
As far as a crit goes, I can't offer up any more advice or critique than what slackjaw already has... I'd agree completely with that

Keep on keepin' on.
cheers :chug:

[TojesDolan]

Thanks sweetie, I'll check your stuff as soon as i'ts up. :D


And welll... yeah factor. I mean... yeah. Thanks. :D:D