It's Gotten Much Worse Dear, Ignore if You Would

[factor46]

we're falling faster than the leaves on those beautiful eucalyptus trees tonight; and i dont know why. could it be we were never a "we"? consider these things while i stroke your hair and watch the stream water flow past the rocks and the trees ever so swiftly. if only i needed a drink..

and i'll pretend i've never cried before.

we've fallen faster than the bird just shot; but it seemed slower than you'd think. who knew time really is of essance? whoever thought to speak before they think is a mastermind in my book. but it's too important to keep our vows of silence tonight; we're mere minnow in white rapids..

and i'll pretend i've never swam before.
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Thanks for the read. Please crit .
:)

[TojesDolan]

Eucalyptus is a nice resource, I like the way it smells. :)

There are better ways to say:

could it be we were never a "we"?

Too obvious, in my opinion.

The rest has a good setting, but the end of it is a little meh...

The second one is amazing.

Overall, it was a great read... I don't know how your writing has been lately... but it's in a good course, apparently. :)

Cheers, man.

critcritcrit
sorry for not being very specific or anything like that.

[deathscreamingsheep]

Simple but effective stuff. By the way, is there a specific reason you've avoided line-breaks in the two main stanzas.

we're falling faster than the leaves on those beautiful eucalyptus trees tonight

Great flow in this little section which I really like. Lots of natural assonance too which makes me think this would sound just as good when read as poetry or sung as a song.

could it be we were never a "we"?

Seems a tad obvious though it has the same effortless flow that the other lines do, very whimsical if that's the right word. I like it.

and i'll pretend i've never cried before.

It fits well and it's a good contrast with the stanza but somehow it falls slightly flat when compared to the beauty of the first stanza.

we're mere minnow in white rapids..

and i'll pretend i've never swam before.

Does this mean what I think it does? Still, it's a nice way of saying so.

Again the second stanza is very good. Luckily the natural imagary doesn't tire. It seems almost romantic in imagary (that's romantic is in the 19th century movement) but obviously not so in structure.

Getting to the end of the poem I don't think I mind the lack of line breaks. It's clearly poetry, but when written like prose it gives the illusion that the poem is happening as you write it.

Overall I liked it. It's a tad obvious in some places but it's very good anyway.

8/10

Can you crit my latest?

[factor46]

Thanks alot to the both of you.

I guess the key word for critiquing this piece is "obvious" seeing how you both gave it that trait.

Hah.
I'll try to be a bit more hidden and mystical next time.
:lol:

Thanks again.
Anymore?

[Sloth]

Perfect.
I love this.
I'd confidently say this is the best piece (that I've read) from you lately (the past few months)

:thumb:

[jb6oclock]

excellent imagery I enjoyed this read, I may sound like a dumba$s here but is this about a guy getting the opprotunity to nail a virgin? If so great job, if not I'm confused. 8/10

[Steerpike]

Thanks alot to the both of you.

I guess the key word for critiquing this piece is "obvious" seeing how you both gave it that trait.

Hah.
I'll try to be a bit more hidden and mystical next time.
:lol:

Thanks again.
Anymore?

Actually, songwriting doesn't have to be obscure and mystical. True, most prog bands do that, but some songs don't need to beat around the bush to make a point.

I particularly liked the natural imagery, though I'd rework some of the phrases in the first stanza.

could it be we were never a "we"?

This one flowed well, but I wasn't particularly fond of the phrase.

If you could give my latest song a critique, I'd appreciate it.
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=443458

[factor46]

Wow, thanks Sloth.

And the rest of you too.
I appreciate all your comments.
:thumb:


And I'm critting yours now Steer.

[lilwing89]

wow... its kindof late for a comment on this but i just read this and i like it. at the end when you said about the pretending not to swim was my favorite. it was really unpredictable! i like it.

[FA]

I don't really enjoy: "could it be we were never a 'we'?". I agree with Toe-Jizz. Anyway, for some reason the line "consider these things...so swiftly" stands out, but in a good way. It's kind of a stream of consciousness rambling and it was a pretty line. There's really not a whole lot that I can say about this piece really, it's simple yet promotes nice language and messages that it works. I like this piece, keep writing.

[Win A Rabbit]

hmm... i get a very calm, gentle vibe from this. one of those scenes in the movies where there's a person under a tree infront of a stream, and the only sound is the water. very very good.

i loved the single lines, especially "and i'll pretend i've never swam before"

i don't really understand the full story behind this, but i still love it.

[sustained_anthem]

the theme of nature gets used so often, and I like the theme although sometimes it gets boring. What I like here more than anything is the fact that you used nature not just as a one off but you filled the song to paint the picture, and you did it well.

Well done